How do you manage your anxiety?

mine is out of control...

Discuss any questions, problems or share your solutions here...

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Re: How do you manage your anxiety?

Postby msimon » 19 Aug 2014, 14:59

Thanks everyone. You are all so kind :) I too am losing weight asdf and am not happy about it. I have always prided myself on being active and am finding it really hard to keep it up now as the botox makes me feel too unsupported to move around much. I am getting horrible back and hip pain from waddling around. I really hope that changes really soon. I have suffered from chronic pain for many years now and haven't been able to work and this happening has just made that all seem completely impossible now :( I really hope there is light at the end of the tunnel but to be honest I don't know if I can even wait that long. A few days ago I was ready to kill myself. I spent the whole day googling methods and am pretty close to a plan for if it gets unbearable :(
Dec '13 Fissure from anoscope
3 X internal sphincter botox
'08-'15 Botox for pelvic floor dysfunction
Nov '14 LIS/sentinel tag removal
Feb '15 Deroofing of recurrent infection from LIS
summer '15-healed but still ongoing muscle dysfunction/pain
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Re: How do you manage your anxiety?

Postby asdf123456 » 19 Aug 2014, 15:25

I do that almost daily at this point. I can't believe that the human race hasn't figured their shit out enough to fix a 1 centimeter cut just barely on the inside of my body. I also go to a shrink now too but i find it absolutely worthless. If 9 surgeons can't heal a paper cut then some ph.d. shrink is never going to convince me to look on the "bright side" of anything. The whole ordeal is just so depressing and made worse by the fact that I can't share this with anyone except my horrifically worthless family members who I haven't spoken to in months. I would love nothing more than to heal and never see them again. At this point, I figure I'll keep trying to heal while I run my finances and relationships into the ground, and one of these times one of these surgeons will just fucking kill me. Then my family will sue and amass even more underserved wealth off of my misfortune, just as nature intended.
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Re: How do you manage your anxiety?

Postby msimon » 19 Aug 2014, 15:41

Awww asdf. You sound like this has really taken everything from you. I really feel for you. That really sucks that your relationships are faltering too. My family is supportive for the most part but I just feel that they really don't get it, you know? DH wants me to get therapy and meditate but I just can't let go of the fact that if my physical problem were fixed everything else would be great. We are very different in that he thinks I should have faith that this will turn out. I am not one of faith so it is causing a rift and my marriage is suffering, badly at times.

You've been to 9 surgeons? Wow. I think I read that your surgeon caused your fissure? Mine did too. I went in for a routine hemorrhoid banding (which I have had several times before) and he tore me 8 months ago. I now have 2 fissures and just can't seem to heal despite having had my 3rd round of botox. I have a weak pelvic floor (from botox for pelvic floor dysfunction) so I really don't even think I would be a candidate for LIS at this point. Don't you just wish you could get a colostomy bad and do away with that part of your body altogether? I wonder if it's ever been done...
Dec '13 Fissure from anoscope
3 X internal sphincter botox
'08-'15 Botox for pelvic floor dysfunction
Nov '14 LIS/sentinel tag removal
Feb '15 Deroofing of recurrent infection from LIS
summer '15-healed but still ongoing muscle dysfunction/pain
msimon
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Posts: 1343
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Re: How do you manage your anxiety?

Postby asdf123456 » 19 Aug 2014, 16:10

Actually 8 surgeons technically at this point. Yes, I had a hemorrhoid operation as well that caused stricturing and non healing wounds. I had 4 rounds of botox for a total of 370 units in under a year, plus LIS in between, plus an advancement flap, plus that kenalog bullshit, plus 56 rounds of hyperbaric oxygen at 2 hours a session. Still got an open wound in my ass that drains and bleeds and hurts. One surgeon actually suggested colostomy to me 2 months ago. I am going to do it if my next operation fails. I would fully expect that operation to either kill me or for the surgeon to mistakenly amputate my leg because they're so fucking moronic, but I could genuinely care less.

Your story is very similar to mine. I strongly suggest you should be thoroughly inspected under anesthesia for a mucosal stricture, as it may very well be the source of your fissures. It took my genius physicians a full year to tell me that I had a severe stricture from the hemmie surgeon, and that no amount of botox would have allowed me to heal because my problem was scarring and lack of tissue, NOT muscle spasm. You may very well be suffering from the same problem if your banding procedure removed too big a lump and now your butt can't recover. Is it difficult to poop, or are your stools thin at all? From your description you should probably be flapped- have you considered it?

I share your sentiment on the family divide. My family used to say the same shit, not religious but that usual- "it will be alright blah blah." They say that my poor attitude somehow contributes to my problems, when it is actually the exact opposite. My butt is giving me a poor attitude when it fails to heal for 2 fucking years. Surgeons give me a bad attitude when they exhibit the competence of cattle. My family gives me a poor attitude when they tell me to see a shrink instead of doing one fucking constructive thing to actually address the very real anatomical, physical problem. It makes me sick honestly. This is a physical problem, as you say. Prayer and meditation in my opinion is a diversion from reality.
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Re: How do you manage your anxiety?

Postby msimon » 19 Aug 2014, 18:01

Wow! That is a lot of botox! Do you feel unsupported and weak down there? Incontinent? Had your tone come back? I have gotten botox about every 6 months (average 100 units) for about 6 years. I feel very weak down there. It sucks really bad. Yes I have a lot of tightness at the very bottom. I feel like things come down far too easily/quickly (surprise me) but then can't get it out the opening. Also have a lot of trouble even passing gas. I really think this is an effect of my pelvic floor from botox oever the years though as it seems to get worse when I get more. I always hope they'll get the right muscle but it hasn't been happening for a long time now :( Everything I have done for this fissure seems to make it worse.

I too had a hemorrhoidectomy but about 11 years ago now. I was checked out before and don't think it is scar tissue or an anatomical stricture. I have a terrible muscle imbalance. People remind me that botox is temporary and to just wait for it to wear off but the thing is that after you get it for so long it degrades your muscles and they may never come back fully again!

Where are you located that you have encountered so many awful surgeons?

I get the same about the attitude etc. My attitude would be great if I didn't have this to deal with! I really wish I could look at things from a rainbow perspective as some can because it probably wouldn't hurt me as much, at least mentally. But I am not wired that way. I am a realist and base my thoughts and feelings on logic and reason. It kind of sucks. I would indeed like to leave reality...
Dec '13 Fissure from anoscope
3 X internal sphincter botox
'08-'15 Botox for pelvic floor dysfunction
Nov '14 LIS/sentinel tag removal
Feb '15 Deroofing of recurrent infection from LIS
summer '15-healed but still ongoing muscle dysfunction/pain
msimon
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Posts: 1343
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Re: How do you manage your anxiety?

Postby asdf123456 » 19 Aug 2014, 18:27

NYC (home of the best and brightest humanity has to offer) - Botox is supposed to be transient, but I don't really trust these morons anymore to really judge something like that, especially in myself who has had so much in such a small area. It's really hard for me to judge my continence because I can't come to a steady state because I keep going in for new surgeries and procedures and I still have this fucking wound that definitely drains or weeps or something. I had light draining ever since the hemmie surgery, and my surgeon kept saying it will go away as soon as my wounds heal. 2 years go by and I'm not healed, so I never got to find out if he was right. It is very light usually, and only noticeable if I wear white underwear- I never wore white underwear before the surgeries so for all I know it was there all along- I'll never know. I do have some urgency issues and some problem holding in gas since the botox and LIS, unless I make a conscious effort to try really hard, which hurts. Every doctor I've seen has said that I don't have a muscle spasm so the botox and LIS wouldn't help me... So you've had a grand total of 1200 units over 6 years? All from the same CRS? I thought I had a lot...

Whether you have a stricture or not, if you have a non healing wound and do not have a muscle spasm, then an advancement flap is the usual course of treatment. They usually work, but my tore along the suture line that my surgeon made right at the posterior midline (the weakest point in your butt). I wish I could do the surgery or get an engineer to do it, because I fucking hate doctors.
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