Let me begin with this is entirely true. No names have been used to protect the innocent. Read at your own risk.
So my surgery was last Wednesday. By Saturday night I still had not had a successful bowel movement. My mom is an RN, she suggested Milk of Magnesia. So I decided I must do it. I reviewed the instructions. "Take 2-4 Tablespoons, One Time Daily." I wanted to be conservative, so I took 2 tablespoons. After about 2 hours of waiting...nothing. I thought to myself, "should have done the entire 4 tablespoons." I took 2 more tablespoons. Two hours later...NOTHING! My butt hurt due to the pressure of constipation. I WAS GOING TO POOP! Down the hatch, four more tablespoons. Nearly three hours later, my wife asked if I read the instructions. "Of course I did. I am not an idiot." Clearly, the bottle says to take 2-4 tablespoons, one time daily." "Did you drink 8 oz of water with it, honey." "Oops, I am an idiot!" Well, the pain was still on like Donkey Kong!!! I MUST POOP!!! So, I did it. I followed the instructions to a Tee! (well, except the part about only 2-4 tablespoons a day.) I took 4 more tablespoons WITH water. An hour later, the relief was setting in. I felt a poo coming. I rush to the bathroom, drop my pants, turn to sit and.........I remodeled the bathroom. Like Mt. Vesuvius erupting, my ass became a yard sprinkler splattering everything within a ten foot radius. The pain caused me to go in and out of consciousness. Fuzzy waves of a dark chocolaty pudding dripped from the mirror, from the sink, from the faucet and from the toilet. My wife came running into the bathroom after hearing screams that surely sounded like the grim reaper was ripping me from limb to limb. I have always been a VERY private toilet person. I will not let my wife near the restroom while I am doing my business. This day has forever changed me. My wife drew a bath while I finished up the remodel. With tears streaming down my face, I told her I would clean it up in a bit. Fortunately for me, and me only, my saintly wife restored our bathroom to its' original format while I was soaking.
Today marks the seventh day since my multiple surgeries. While I do not feel better at all yet, I believe it is my duty as a fellow sufferer to shed some humor (at my expense) to this board!