Try not to worry, Sue! You will soon be on the other side and at the beginning of your healing journey. So far you have just been coping with pain. Very soon you will be moving forward and leaving the pain behind you.
The first BM is scary, I admit. But I'm sure you're going to be pleasantly surprised. For many of us it wasn't as bad as BMs before surgery. Just remember to take those stool softeners! You might want to have a back-up supply of MOM, in case the first BM is a bit slow in coming (MOM seems to really do the trick for that). The key to a good post-LIS BM is to relax, take deep yoga breaths, and let nature take its course.
I completely know how you feel! Butt surgery was the scariest thing I ever had to face.
But I am so glad I did it! Life without pain is truly wonderful - you'll see! Soon all this will be a distant memory.