I am so depressed right now! So many times that I thought it was gone...really gone but now, after a few months of worry-free, my fissure is bleeding again

ha_hang,
You really need to see a specialist. This yo-yo heal-tear, heal-tear... thing will keep happening without taking it seriously.
See a doctor and they can give you some nitro or nifedipine or diltiazem cream. These will help your sphincter to relax and increase the blood flow there to help the tissues heal for good.
In the meantime, get your BMs soft like toothpaste so you don't have to push at all on the toilet. Try leaning far forward to open up your anus more when you go.
Don't fall back to old bad habits til you have been healed for at least a month or more. It takes the skin a year to get back to 80% of it's original strength.
It is depressing and we all know where you are coming from. Don't worry, there's lots of info on the forum from people who have healed and moved on.
But first of all, get yourself seen by a doc, preferably a CRS (colorectal surgeon).
Don't be embarrassed. They see bums all day long. No big deal. They will probably be bored with yours as it is 'only' a fissure.
Get well!!
-Tanya

thank you so much! here in New Zealand doctors dont take anal fissure seriously they always prescribe lactulose and give me advices on diet only. It was good to know that you can take some meds to increase blood flow to the fissure I really think thats what I need :D
really appreciated that thanks heaps Tanya

My pleasure, just passing on the good advice thatwas given to me. Looking forward to the day when this is all just a bummeous learning experience!
:D
-Tanya

Hi here,
Sorry that you are here, but happy that you found us!!
Just thought I'd give you the link to one of our old members from NZ, which might help you to see what's available. You can look up all the posts that she started by going to the member list and searching for sphinctersaurus. Might be useful.
http://anal-fissure.org/t2360-hello-all-movicol
Sav

Aww sweetie.. I feel your pain .. Just keep doing the drinking plenty liquids, eating right, taking fiber and never strain :( .. God bless you and God bless us all and heal us all.. Hang in there and hopefully you soon find the comfort we all need..