At first, I shared only my AF situation only with my husband who has been beyond wonderful ! The man deserves a gold star for what I have put him through. Then I did share it with my parents & my mother in law after I went to the CRS. I also did tell 2 friends, one of which I wish I didn't. I had to tell her not to make any jokes or comments. I know maybe one day I may laugh about the whole situation but I want to be the one making the jokes !
It seems like because I am not walking around with a limb falling off or I am battered and bruised no one seems to really care. I guess because I look normal & I can function that they seem to think I am okay when actually I am not ! They don't what I have to go through each day, dreading the initial BM of morning, having my bum feel like it is being ripped apart or bleeding. Spreading ointments & creams on my hiney, hot baths 2-3x a day...the list goes on for miles it seems. You know the routine !
I can feel myself pulling away from situations already. Not going out with friends, keeping my schedule more open than usual. I don't want to sink into a depression, I want to be positive & hopeful...wait, I am positive and hopeful !!
Today, I decided I am not to going to talk with anyone about it unless they ask & genuinely are concerned. I will talk with my husband (& God) about it but I won't constantly talk about it if you know what I mean. We have a life beyond my AF for pete's sake ! There are other things to talk about besides my bum. I was reading last night and this jumped out at me " If you want to keep a problem you have, then just keep talking about it. But if you want to get rid of it, then talk about the answer as if you expect it to manifest at any moment " WOW, words can be so powerful !
How do you deal with the emotional side since you were diagnosed with your AF ? Do you talk with family & friends or do you keep it to yourself ?
I am so HAPPY that I found this board. Everyone is welcoming & knowledgable. I have learned so much from others situations. Bless you all !  
SweetPea

Hi sweetpea,
The physical pain you go through is nothing compared to the emotional pain you begin to go through. Pooping glass is one thing, but cutting yourself up about making daily decisions can drive you nuts (not to mention others).
My first signs of a fissure was 4 years ago, luckily it was only a pain during BMs. At this time I had no idea what it was, I was self treating for Hemmies.
I was quite active back then, I even remember going snowboarding and fracturing my coccyx. Although this pain in itself was horrific, it didn't measure up to the pooping a shard of glass.
After treating with creams once I went to the GPs about it, it took 3 years for it to get to a point where it started effecting my life. In the past 6 months, going for a run was hellish. My condition deteriorated to a point where I couldn't do anything active atleast 2 days after a BM.
I had changed my diet 3 time to try to combat the pain. Extra healthy diet just hurt more as my stools were huge tree trunks. I went to a pretty unhealthy diet and this made my stools small and less frequent so it would give me time to chill out between BMs.
My recent ex (of a 6 month relationship) was so so supportive. In the beginning he was so sympathetic to my pain. After I had a double fissurectomy & Botox (6 weeks ago tomorrow) he was amazing. Looked after my every need. Our sex life was obviously non existent and again he said nothing. It would put a lot of pressure on any relationship but he persistently encouraged me to think about the future and what it would be like to be healed.
Unfortunately I had to let him go as the feeling weren't there from my side. It hurt more to carry on with him than let him go so I made a decision. It was a tough thing to do while going through this already tough time. But I know deep down it was right. I can't consider finding a new suitor until I'm healed, it's a big pressure to place on a new relationship and although I'm missing a companion, I know what I have to do first. That's an incentive to heal.
New butt - new love. The future is exciting but seeming far away.  
In the beginning it was difficult to see the positive in the future from the pain I was in. It was so hard, and I have to admit it still is hard, anything remotely active I do now could put me back a month in recovery. It's all about looking after yourself.
I'm trying to keep in mind that all this hard work (movicol, water intake, chewing food to oblivion and nothing strenuous) is only for a short time in the grand scheme. It's a lot of effort but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Once I get over this, life will be very much back to normal (aside from the odd movicol and watching my diet).
I'm intending on doing this until September when I return to my CRS. that's 3 months of hard work an in return I'll have the rest of my life to look forward to.
As for friends, a lot of them wouldn't understand, but you'll be surprised how many if them have experienced it for themselves. I'm currently dog and house sitting for my gay friends and if anyone knows about bum problems, it would be those two. And they do, both very supportive.
My parents have been amazing too. Both of them and my brother have suffered with Hemmies recently and my dad couldn't deal with the pain. He's such a baby. He asks me every day how my butt is and gives me a huge hug on good days. I update both of them daily. I could see th pain in his eyes when he was suffering so its nice to know that they understand. Other pain I suffer doesn't even measure up to passing a razor.
I haven't told anyone from work what surgery I had (after 2 weeks off on the sick after surgery) but they are all supportive too.
To me a problem shared is a problem halved, but you're right, the more you talk about it? The more you get consumed by it. Thinking positive is a huge part of healing. But never underestimate your healing progress. Always tread carefully. I treat it as if I have a bad back which saves me from pulling it all around too much. I'm hoping to kick these damn fissures once and for all.
I think essentially it has made me appreciate this little things in life. It's making me take my diet seriously and I'm looking after myself better than I ever have. My attitude towards life has changed for the better and I will definitely look at changing others ways with my new knowledge of soluble and insoluble fibre, the wonders of water intake and the amazing powder that is Movicol!
I have rambled a bit here and most people on here will say I'm renowned for having a great sense of humour about my antics of a fissure, and as much as laughing about these things helps, there is still a serious side to it which I admit has brought me close to depression (amongst other things ongoing in my life, job, relationships etc.)
The best thing for me is to talk about it with people who understand. Like YOU guys. Such a great place to channel all pain and joy. I'd be in a much darker place if this forum wasn't here. Thank you to all who put so much time and effort into keeping this going. It changes people's lives.
Welsh x

Way to vent a bit and let things out SweetPea.
Thats what this forum is all about. When no one else seems to understand how you can feel so miserable down there, this place is a haven of rest for our sanity.
Its beautiful that you inlcluded "The Man upstairs" to confide in as no one can really keep us from true despondency better than He can. Also I love your quote you read last night and isn't that so so true.
We all have to visualize our success in anything we do and any sorrow or depressed feelings just tends to wipe all that manifest hope away.
As a women I know you can really let things like this affect you more so than perhaps a man does. Combined with "that time of the month" we men often marvel at what you gals have to go through. As the "weaker sex" its good to know that you have a understanding husband to help lift your spirits..
Sorry to here though that one of your confidants took the matter lightly, please understand they may have no ideal what we really have to go through, like even many of our Dr's..........they just don't get it.
As for your Q's, Yeah there were many a days when I wondered at night was i ever going to beat this firebrand in my butt. Being a positive person myself I just mostly channeled the frustrations and down feelings into action...i.e. ways to beat this thing.
The only people I cared to tell were my parents and a couple of brothers who went through it themselves. We are looking for just one person who understands aren't we, whether its your CRS or closest friend or husband or wife we want just one person to acknowledge that they understand that our butt, is literally in hell's fire!! (hashtag my mini rant).
Thats where this group comes to the rescue though right SweetPea.     Visualize.......
God bless you and yours....

Sweet pea. Thanks for your post. I agree that the emotional part is so much a huge part of dealing with the beast. I was much more depressed last summer (even though I am doing worse now).
I too have an amazing husband and parents. I am a praying girl and this has stretched my faith to the limit. I am careful who I tell. I am a quiet person by nature and can't handle butt jokes when I am in agony but it looks like I am fine on the outside. I tell myself constantly that I Weill heal but sometimes I just can't help but wonder if I won't. I can't handle the thought of living a glad life like this so I keep believing. Keep believing for all of us.

I just want to send encouragement your way. I am 20 days post-op from the LIS surgery. Hon - I don't know you but know what you are going through. I had a chronic AF with a sentinal pile. After 6 MONTHS I was done. Pain like I never want to experience again. Couldn't leave the house. Didn't want to eat. Lost weight. Cried all the time. Lived in my the tub soaking. Have the LIS surgery done. I actually rode my horse today- and am completely pain free. After 20 days post-op!!! Do not suffer any more. This is treatable and you can very quickly get your life back. Make the surgery appointment. I can't stress it enough.

Thank you everyone for sharing your emotional stories as well. It is nice to know that what I am feeling in normal for dealing with the AF situation.
(((HUGS)))
SweetPea

SweetPea the emotional side of the fissure, desperation, pain, anxiety, panic, pain, feeling hopeless and without control, pain.
Yes, only those that have experienced a fissures knows what is all about, how did I fight back? well I exercise my fissure away, after the self pity during the pain and feeling that the fissure was going to take away my quality of life I stood up and fought back, kept going to the gym, did my exercises and even became and avid yoga student.
For me that was the key to keep me from losing my mind and soul to the pain (beside taking pain killers in order to be able to exercise).
Thankfully I am now healed, naturally and I know that fissures are unpredictable and they can come back, but now I am ready.:D 

It's funny ,well it's not funny actually,your rite Marg, it just get's you down.
I'm in a pain of 3 now and better when I put pressure on it when sitting, and all of a sudden I started to cry.
Earlier I met up with a friend at the mall, the pain started up and I had to call  my sister to pick me up from the mall. I know my friend understood.
But it's so consuming, I have to get back into the work force, It was raining in Toronto, kinda hides my tears.  
This is a great place to vent, maybe i should sit out side and cross stitch, I have been walking for the whole week, maybe over did it. I will dry my face, put on a little lip gloss and sit out side on the porch and stitch..sounds like a plan..:)

Luckily at my age I don't much give a poop who knows what. I just love to walk down the hallway at work and tell the young guys "who wants to read my colonoscopy journal?". They all scatter, ha.
I found it difficult to be funny while it felt like pooping glass shards, but humor definitely helps. At least we here understand if you need to unload.

Thank you Now66, you made me laugh, I just visioned you running down the hallway at your work place.
Then showing every one your journal as they scatter in fear, so hilarious. 
  Take care, and have a great day.