I have so much anxiety about everything lately it seems. I tend to have BMs throughout the day so I am constantly fearing the next one and don't go out anymore as a result. Also because I had botox and don't think I'd be able to hold it long at all.

I got botox into my pelvic floor 1 month ago and that went really bad. It makes me feel like my pelvic floor is mush and I cannot seem to pass gas let alone a normal BM so I have to make things really watery and end up on the couch with a heating pad most of the day. The botox into my pelvic floor seemed to tighten up my sphincter so now I got a tad more in there last Thursday and each day I find I feel more and more loose back there. It is frankly really scaring me as I feel like my bottom is going to drop out at times or that I constantly need to have a BM. So I sit here worrying about how much more it's going to kick in each day, and I know it won't max out for another couple of weeks.

I can't sleep at night because I have so much pressure build up in my rear that I can't release and it becomes painful. Then I worry about the damage that is doing. This whole fissure ordeal has made me a basketcase. It's really hurting my marriage too as DH doesn't know what to do with me. Can anyone relate? Is there anything I can do to help this? Any positive thoughts, etc. I really don't want to go on meds as they affect the gut and my IBS is very sensitive. Also, I went on antidepressants as a teen and had a horrible experience so don't want to try those again...

This website has definitely helped me so much though as it takes some of the fear out of the whole experience as I read "AF survivors" stories.

I relate. My fissure made me a total basket case and I would cry to my husband every night. It put such a strain on my marriage and my ability to perform at work and take care of my baby. It was the worst four months of my life until I had surgery and then was basically fine after a week. Just saying I feel your pain. I think there is not much worse in the world to experience then a fissure.

Oh and to mange anxiety I would take Valium and/or cry to my family and friends. But basically I was a mess until after surgery.

Hi msimon,
I think this is really common and normal. Also it sucks.
My husband was supportive, but he really didn't understand. I was sometimes distant with him and my children, because I was trying to manage the pain. I felt crippled. It is such a lonely pain because who wants to be talking about their bottom all the time, but you can't think about anything else.

A few people here have taken anxiety meds. I totally understand you don't want to take them, but it's possible there might be drug that will be OK with your IBS. That said, have you talked to your doctor about the bad sensations and problems you are having in your pelvic floor? Because the road through this might include addressing the pain and difficulty with BMs. Maybe the doc can't do anything, but do try to talk to him/her about this and your anxiety.

Sorry I can't help more. Just know that this is a horrible time that you have to get through somehow, and one day it will be better.

Thanks Scientist and Jbl. It means a lot that others understand and to have support in this really tough time.

Hi Msimon,
Hang in there lovely! It won't always be this bad and you will find your way of getting through this and being well again, even though it's impossible to see it right now I know. I have been prone to depression all my life and the fissure ordeal threw me into depths I never knew possible.
Gee, I was in a black hole too at my worst. My whole life just revolved around the fissure, what I put it my mouth, the worry about how it would come out and when. It's entirely consuming and I was absolutely obsessed with it all. For me, ADs were invaluable (I also understand you might not want to pursue these as an option) but I needed something to help me climb back out of that deep black hole and they helped immensely (and there are a number of varieties in different doses that can be offered)...Armed with my Sertraline, I threw myself into distraction (funny films/ long chats with close friends/ books/ games - things that I could get relatively comfortable in doing too)......I got myself head-phones and listened to numerous self-healing and meditation downloads and I focused hugely on positive affirmations. Every time I went to the loo, I would try to "forget" the process I was going through and focus on simple thoughts (well, actually talk to myself) "This is not as bad as I fear it will be" "Little by little and day by day I am healing" and so on......the mind & body are inseparably linked and if you start to tell yourself something, even if you don't believe it, the power of those constant words and affirmations start to subtly work on unconscious levels...Finding your inner strength and just keeping hope and faith that you will be better are key. If you can turn anything about the situation into humour or a positive, do it! ....I got to grips with inventing my own fissure friendly recipes & inventing my own "poses" which made my bottom feel more comfortable!! I think I went a bit mad.....but fast forward a few months and I came from where you are right now into a much more comfortable and improved situation as I healed......There is life after all this!!........
Do go see your GP about your anxiety as a separate issue - they will possibly suggest ADs, but counselling as another option or support groups? I've been doing Acupuncture and although it doesn't "cure" a fissure as such, a good Acupuncturist will help you work through the stress and the anxiety and the negative state you can get yourself into (possibly Hypnotherapy too)....."good" days for me were the ones I felt strong, empowered and ready to fight & even though the pain was there, it never felt quite so bad because my outlook and attitude were strong & positive and I kept my mind as busy and distracted as possible. The "bad" days were the ones I spent crying, feeling terribly down and far too self-absorbed and then I noticed every little twinge and things physically felt so much worse.
It is not an easy ride, there is no magic "cure" but there are things you can put in place to help alter your thought processes and little life-style changes you can make to make your pain a little more bearable....I really do wish you all the very best in beating this and getting back on with your life....You will get there.

Msimon, you could look at this link (which I googled) for the use of Amitriptyline in both anal/rectal pain and Pudendal Neuralgia. It is a mild anti-depressant.

http://www.google.com/search?q=amitript ... +anal+pain

I have had 2 lis surgeries in a span of 6 months last year and can fully relate to the anxiety issues.Physically I am left with a mild burning sensation which is getting better but extremely slowly.This is not a week to week improvement not even month to month but if I look back six months ago I can say that I feel slightly better....I also suffer from severe levator spasms which are much worse than the burning sensation.Before all this started I was in extremely good health to the extent that I do not remember ever having fallen sick. However the fissure and the surgery and spasms have taken over my life.I have become extremely anxious,depressed and just don't know what to do with myself. I have tried antidepressants but although they take the edge of the depression they give you a weird flat feeling..hoping and waiting for the day that I can put all of this behind me...

Like others, I can totally relate to feeling anxious and depressed. I had a complete melt down where I just couldn't stop crying and worrying about what I ate and how it was going to come out. My poor husband really didn't know how to help me and it was so hard trying to put on a front to stop the kids seeing what a total ball of high anxiety I had become.
Like others I went to the drs and was put on citalopram, an anti anxiety tablet. I really think they helped immensely to get me up out of that black hole and give me just enough calmness back to start thinking rationally again. I must say, I never actually thought of ending it all, but I did think that if this was my long term future, then I didn't want to have a long term future.... But that's the nature of this distressingly painful affliction. It's hard to believe that something so tiny can cause so much pain and make you feel like a lunatic!!!
Keep reminding yourself you are not alone, and this level of pain is not forever.

OMB x

I'm a complete lunatic too. My friends probably think I'm suicidalbut I never told them why. They also think I still have a job...but I just sit home all day awaiting doctors appointments. I have valium but it makes me feel flat too so I have been trying to not take it unless I am very upset. I was soooo set right before the hemorrhoid surgery, I had a great job was so active and fit and tan and outgoing...and I am now the exact opposite. My neighbor asked me if I have AIDS last week (he thinks that is funny?), because I am so malnourished and pale from laying in my bed. Everyone asks me why I am so skinny and sickly looking.