I want end this all!

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I want end this all!

Postby Vortex87 » 26 Aug 2018, 12:50

I'm in such a dark place that I don't know if I will make it anymore. I'm crying tears as I'm writing this. I'm living every day in regret and its destroying my life. About three years I was just trying to enjoy a little anal stimulation but instead I caused harm by using a oval shaped deodorant stick covered with a sandwich bag. I used KY but the sandwich bag folds and creases caused a multiple tears and lacerations and injury to my anus. I guess I didn't feel it at the time because of the KY gel. One of the cuts caused a defect in my internal sphincter which left me with a lopsided sphincter. For about 2 and a half years i only thought it was a bad fissure unit I got dilation and it turned out my sphincter doesn't close all the way. I thought once I get dilation my problems will resolve but now I constantly have leakage after bms which really irritates my anus. On top of that my anus is still sore and tight on one side during BM. I just can't believe how I messed up my life and i get a reminder every day. I'm at that point that I just want to end my life as it seems the only way out from this misery. I tried everything to stay positive but nothing makes me happy anymore and I'm not the same person as I use to be. Before anyone asks, I'm not gay I just use to enjoy anal pleasure as my ex girlfriend turned me on to this. I am married and i love my wife very much, and I know she would very sad without me but I'm also thinking she will be better off finding someone who is not constantly depressed like me. This injury has impacted my whole life and I feel very disabled. I also got external hemis since i was tight after the injury. I can't enjoying anything. If i walk more that 15 minutes my anus get extremely irritated. When I try to have sex and clinch my anus its painful from the hemmis. I know there are other people with much more serious problems then me but that doesn't make me feel any different. I also got laid off from work a few months ago and haven't been able to find anything yet that pays the same.
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby chachacha » 26 Aug 2018, 15:42

I hope that you seek help for your feelings. I know that it is very hard to find hope when everything seems to be conspiring against you, but maybe you can try to just look at one issue at a time and deal with that. Have you consulted a CRS about your current situation? Perhaps there is a surgery that can repair the sphincter? And they are coming up with new ways to treat everything these days. The medical world is really rocking it and coming up with all sorts of innovative solutions to problems that have seemed insurmountable in the past. I'm currently having a major non-bum related problem, and may lose my hearing permanently. It is an issue though, that doesn't seem to have any current treatments that work. They are testing new ideas though, and one sounds very promising. I am doing most of my research on google scholar, because that's where you can find all of the studies currently (and recently) being done. I hope that things can turn around for you soon, on all fronts.
Fissure since about 2007
Fissure diagnosed in 2011
Diltiazem for two years - didn't work well
LIS January, 2015
Hemorrhoidectomy December, 2017
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby hurtinend » 26 Aug 2018, 19:02

lopsided shpincter?
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby Vortex87 » 26 Aug 2018, 22:31

chachacha wrote:I hope that you seek help for your feelings. I know that it is very hard to find hope when everything seems to be conspiring against you, but maybe you can try to just look at one issue at a time and deal with that. Have you consulted a CRS about your current situation? Perhaps there is a surgery that can repair the sphincter? And they are coming up with new ways to treat everything these days. The medical world is really rocking it and coming up with all sorts of innovative solutions to problems that have seemed insurmountable in the past. I'm currently having a major non-bum related problem, and may lose my hearing permanently. It is an issue though, that doesn't seem to have any current treatments that work. They are testing new ideas though, and one sounds very promising. I am doing most of my research on google scholar, because that's where you can find all of the studies currently (and recently) being done. I hope that things can turn around for you soon, on all fronts.



Thank you, Chachacha! I was having a really tough day and I just felt like I wanted to die. I found some relief in being able to share my story and you kind words really helped me to feel better. When I had my job I saw the CRS back in March and he told me to do kegels everyday and to stop using Diltizem. I wll try to focus on finding a job and then i will deal with the rest later. Thank you for sharing your story as well. I hope you find the treatments you need for your hearing problems. It seems like a scary situation, but I feel you are strong.
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby Vortex87 » 26 Aug 2018, 22:34

hurtinend wrote:lopsided shpincter?


That's how it feels because its only tight on my right side. There is a keyhole defect on the opposite side. Its a scar that covers the sphincter.
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby Vortex87 » 26 Aug 2018, 23:09

HumptyRumpty wrote:
Vortex87 wrote:...... I was just trying to enjoy a little anal stimulation but instead I caused harm by using a oval shaped deodorant stick covered with a sandwich bag...... I'm not gay I just use to enjoy anal pleasure.......


:scratch:


I could care less if you think i'm gay or not. I only mentioned it because its part of my story so you understand where I'm coming from. I dunno if you are making fun of me or what but if many hetros enjoy anal play such as tantra massage. I was the same until I injured myself. I have never found men sexually attractive so I know I'm not gay. "Not that there is anything wrong with that" Believe me, I questioned it myself in the beginning when I first tried it with my GF and really enjoyed it. well those days are gone :(
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby Hate this » 28 Aug 2018, 16:30

Wow I thought mine was bad. Btw, most men like pleasure there. Trust me, I am a women. Either way, I gave up on the cream to relax being I found it did nothing after weeks of use. I found essential oils in my sitz baths relaxed me after about 3 weeks 4-5 a day for 10 minutes or so. Are you sitz bathing? Have you tried oils?
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Re: I want end this all!

Postby Vortex87 » 26 Sep 2018, 17:35

I'm only using castor oil externally. I take 1 or 2 sitz baths a day usually. What kind of oils are they and where do you buy them?
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