I will survive this!

Chronicling my AF journey, I have to write this down to stay sane.

A place for you to keep a record of your healing or surgery.

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I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 15 Apr 2017, 22:17

I had this fissure in 2015. I was 28 then. I am an active gay male, but when I started working away from home, I got anxiety attacks and was emotionally troubled. I also had a sedentary lifestyle.

I bled and suffered then, went to a CRS and was told that it will heal on its own. I was given a hemorrhoidal cream, and was prescribed psyllium fiber. It healed a couple of months later. Dec 2016, I had a retear and had been suffering intermittent episodes of spasm since then.

It's April 2017 now, and for the past few weeks, the pain has been intolerable. I consulted another CRS (from the same clinic,) and was told that it has become chronic. I was recommended LIS.

I have my doubts on going under the knife, I have seen my fissures (I believe there are two) using a mirror and a penlight, and they were tiny, sore-like things that can be considered a surface wound. Why would I let my sphincter be cut, resulting in a deeper wound involving stitches?

Through this forum, and researching online, I learned that the LIS has a high success rate, and it has become a "gold standard" for treating AFs. I also realized that what's causing me pain during a BM is the tightness of my butt. It's an uncontrollable mechanism of the body - interpreting the pain as a response to an injury - and to prevent further damage, it clenches itself. I know it's well-meaning, but if I can talk to my internal sphincter, I would scold it for doing more harm.
:x

So, I'm raising enough funds to go through it next week. I'll keep this journal running, as regularly as I can. I hope you'll interact with me. We can learn from each other's experiences. I wish you all a healthy butt and a pain-free life.

Kermit
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 15 Apr 2017, 22:34

Umm, warning: a bit graphic

Apr 16 - I bled today. I haven't bled since 2015, and surprisingly, I'm not scared. I usually get anxious when I see blood. Perhaps, it helped that I am going to undergo LIS next week. I think I also scalded my dick while getting a sitz bath before and after the BM. At least the pain is distracting me from the spasms of my butt.

I looked again down under, and saw tiny bumps had formed where I had shaved my butthair, I don't know if it's a fungal infection or irritation from the shaving. I washed it with soap, but I try not to overdo it because I read here that soap has a drying effect on the fissure - and will cause more tears.

I want to spray coconut oil again, but I barely slept last night because the oil stings a bit when it comes in contact with the fissure. My problem now is how to keep the area clean when I cannot use soap.

I'm afraid to eat, it might result in hard poop again, but I plan on eating a salad with olive oil later. I also have to discover a comfortable sleeping position.

I'm trying to distract myself by studying and preparing for a report in class tomorrow. This is a bit fucked up. I never dreamed that there will come a day when academics would become a form of distraction! I'm trying to stay sane, happy and functioning til Friday. By then, I can raise enough money for the surgery, and have a friend care for me while I'm at the hospital.

I hope everything's going well with all of you! Happy Easter!
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Mypoorbutt » 16 Apr 2017, 05:03

Hi HK
I gave myself thrush because of the heat of my sitz baths not pleasant but I kept having them as they were the only thing that stopped the pain until I discovered gabapentin.
If you clean the area with a shower head after a BM then there is no need for soap or anything else that may irritate it.
I too stopped eating for a while on a few occasions, I'm not sure it actually helped but it did give me some temporary relief.
You will get through this and get your life back.
The surgery will be fine
What are you studying
Take care
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 16 Apr 2017, 09:03

Oh my, so that's what it is! Thrush! it's a yeast infection because of the warm and moist environment. Should I get an antifungal cream? Ok, I'll use a bidet then.

I'm a Literature major. If everyone becomes a poet at the touch of love, I wonder what kind of creative output can suffering bring?

Elaine Scarry's "The Body in Pain" says pain is a destroyer/deconstructor. It unmakes our worlds. It renders sufferers mute. I would like to believe otherwise. This forum is proof that the spirit perseveres and struggles to find avenues for expression.

I have read experiences here that are eloquently described. I have yet to see a post that only says, "Fire, ass, ugggh, dead." hahaha Thanks MPB~ :D
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Mypoorbutt » 16 Apr 2017, 09:11

It might not be thrush I just know that lots of hot baths can cause thrush.
I guess pain can be a destroyer but I prefer to think that it's more like a furnace refining us...yes I would prefer to have that done by joy but guess we don't always get to choose.
My daughter want to do literature at uni, I'm currently doing a counselling and psychotherapy degree. Nothing that I have learnt has taught me as much understanding as this bloody awful fissure has.
Oh trust me there were many times I wanted to write...fire ass dead...lol but we do come out the other side sometimes different but certainly stronger
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 16 Apr 2017, 10:13

Thank you so much for the inspiration and the good cheer. This forum has really been a source of info and support for me. I hope other sufferers find their way here too.

Everything and everyone will get better, soon. We'll all get through this, and this experience will make us stronger! :D
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 17 Apr 2017, 09:39

I had a class from 9am til 3pm, and thank goodness, it didn't hurt (much) when I sat. I just excused myself a dozen times to go to the bathroom, walk around and calm my nerves. I also had to report (which was unfinished), I went to the pharmacy and bought antifungal cream for the pimply things which sprouted around my sphincter. It's probably thrush from all the sitz bath I've been having.

I ate oats and an apple for dinner. I'm a bit annoyed because my bum is always moist and it smells, I want to wash it with soap, but it might dry up my bum. Is the leaking a good thing or a bad thing? I didn't have a BM, and I'm nervous for tomorrow, I might have one. I'm also going to my CRS for a checkup and to schedule my surgery.

I really want to get well so I try to drown out all my worries and fears. It can get frustrating at times. My family and friends are not here, and life can get so lonely, but my primary concern now is to get a soft poop tomorrow. Hah. Priorities.
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 18 Apr 2017, 10:40

I had a BM in the morning, I squat over the john, and le poop was surprisingly soft. It was still painful though, and the last Bristol 3 had streaks of blood. I had a sitz bath after, didn't use soap, and unlike before, I didn't have painful spasms after. I found out that putting coconut oil on a cotton pad, and putting this between my ass works wonders. I slept with one last night too.

Although the small pimple like break outs had become blisters and were also painful when they burst. They also pus that stuck to the cotton. I put antifungal cream on them.

By lunch, I walked around, and even went exploring a house with lots of stairs. This oiled-up cotton-ball works wonders!

I went in for my CRS appointment later in the afternoon. He looked at the fissure and told me he saw an abscess inside. It was probably the reason why my ass stinks, and been leaking liquid. There's a danger it might be infected so he prescribed me antibiotics. (Which I took half an hour ago, and I am feeling lightheaded and sensitive to light now.) He also gave me zinc oxide cream - which I also applied half and hour ago, and it's wonderfully soothing. He told me it also works on the blisters.

He'll do an exploration with anesthesia on Sat, and if he discovers the abscess to be large, he'll drain the pus and assess whether it's safe to do the LIS. (If it's too close to where he would be cutting the muscle, he won't probably go through the LIS because of the risk of infection.) But if it's not too large, he'll go through with the LIS.

He says there is a 30-50% risk that I'll develop a fistula because of this. God forbid it will happen. :(

He told me how much the surgery will cost. When he gave the figures, I panicked because it's still alarmingly high, and I am still 10,000 pesos (approx 200 dollars) short. (Anyone willing to buy old books for an exorbitant price? Got lots of moldy books here, hehe come one, come all, "pages for fissures")

He also advised me to get tested for HIV if I plan to go through the surgery. It took me another couple of hours to get tested. My hand is still numb from the blood sample drawn. I asked that my results be forwarded to my CRS.

So here I am, dizzy but not hurting as much. I hope I can make it to class tomorrow. I took two 500mg tablets (antibiotics) - one is antibacterial, one is to kill amoeba and protozoa. I hope the abscess heals before the operation.

I asked my CRS to give me a stool softener, and he prescribed me Lactoluse, which when I bought, I was horrified to see that it is a laxative. I want a stool softener, not one that will induce me to poo.

And damn, I have to eat solid food for the antibiotics to work well.

Good night, everyone. I hope you are all having a good day. I'm off to bed in a while.
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 19 Apr 2017, 09:38

Woke up refreshed. I got dizzy with the antibiotics last night, but it was all gone when I opened my eyes in the morning. I checked my bum and found zinc oxide cream did wonders. The blisters have burst and are now flattened. Although they hurt when I washed them, the pain is nothing compared to what I felt with the fissure before. I can walk well, and there wasn't any throbbing sensation. I can sit for a long time too.

The antibiotics must be doing their thing with the abscess inside. I am only praying that it will heal up and the pus will go away, and it won't get infected, because I don't want to get a fistula. That, and I'm due for an LIS this Saturday.

No BM today, although I felt one coming, it wasn't enough to make me want to go to the toilet, so I'm a bit scared that it will be hard tomorrow. I also ate meat and rice during lunch and dinner because I had been taking antibiotics, and I heard that its not good to have an empty stomach when you are taking them. I also need the protein for cell repair.

Well, here's hoping it won't hurt like hell when I poop tomorrow.
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Re: I will survive this!

Postby Happykermit » 24 Apr 2017, 10:52

I had an LIS Saturday afternoon. Today is Monday night and I'm pain free but I still haven't pooped. I hope it won't hurt like hell when I do tomorrow.
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