So a little about me: I am a 27 year old gay man and my butt problems actually started off about a year or so ago. I developed a tiny lump inside the nether region, and it was around this time last year, I actually had it surgically removed in order to ensure it was not malignant or anything (turns out it was benign, phew). Any who, my recovery following surgery was actually not that bad, and I resumed normalcy after about a month or so. Everything was fine until the end of summer time when I was being intimate with someone, and I recall having some discomfort and later discovering some bleeding following the act. I was a tad bit concerned, but shrugged it off. I had a follow-up appointment with the surgeon who did my procedure and she mentioned that it looked like I had developed a fissure. I had a feeling this was the case (Dr. Google told me so). I wasn't too taken a back, and I figured that I would make a speedy recovery, and so did she, as she did not prescribe anything to me and just told me that if I kept hydrated and fiber'd up, it would spontaneously get better. Long story short, it did not.
So this is where you get an idea about my topic title. While I was diagnosed with a fissure, I was presenting with unusual symptoms. I generally had a lack of symptoms, including a total absence of pain during and even after a bowl movement. I would have very light bleeding, but never anything dramatic like kool-aid in the toilet. It was almost as if it was not there. Additionally, I had some white-colored discharge. I ended up having some changes to my insurance that resulted in me not being able to continue seeing the surgeon who did my procedure and diagnosed the fissure. I ended up going back to a new primary care physician and over the course of a 3-4 visits, I was diagnosed with a fissure, a hemorrhoid, a fissure again, and finally a hemorrhoid again. Additionally, I got swabbed because the discharge was not abating. That came back normal. After having no clue what else to do, they finally wrote me a referral to a new colon and rectal surgeon, but I had to wait almost two months because this was around the time of the holidays and the doctor was away.
Now, I will mention that during this time (Holiday season) I was at my absolute worst. While I was still not having any pain, my other symptoms persisted, and at this point, I started becoming incredibly depressed because my whole life started revolving around my "fissure". Additionally, I naturally had to abstain from any and all sexual stimulation, including masturbation. I would refuse to go anywhere because I was always paranoid about having a bowl movement outside of the comfort of my home. Also, I was bombarding my guts with stool softners, drowning myself in water, shoving all sorts of oils and ointments up my butt in the hopes that anything would do the trick. But still no relief. I told my provider that I wanted a nitro prescription, but she refused to prescribe it because she didn't think I needed it. Frustrated, I decided that I would just take matters into my own hands and try to do get ahold of it, somehow. So I decided to go to urgent care, and have another provider give me a prescription. Luckily I was examined by a very lax PA and he was willing to give it to me. So this was around New Years of this year. I got my prescription at the very beginning of January and was using it up until my appointment with the new CRS at the very end of January. Long story short, it failed and offered very little to no help.
At this point, I had hit rock bottom; I was literally crying almost every other day because I was convinced that I was going to be living with this for the rest of my life and that I would never every have a normal sex life ever again. Of course this was difficult to talk to people about because "Hey, can I please talk to you about how my the state of my asshole is in utter disarray?" is not a question the average person hears on a daily basis. So I decided that I would start going to therapy (I had my intake appointment only recently and nothing much happened). But onto the appointment with the new colon and rectal surgeon.
So I have been dealing with this issue almost for 7 months, and I had my long-awaited appointment with the new CRS at the very end of January (about 2 weeks or so ago). At that point, I was ready to ask him for botox or a sphincterotomy because I just couldn't take it anymore. He did what all doctors do and listen to me go on about everything I have been putting up with for the past half a year. He ended up doing a finger exam, and looked with an anoscope, and honestly it was not very comfortable and I had some bleeding. When I finally asked him what he saw I was shocked to hear that he did not believe that I had a fissure. He said that if I did in fact have one, then it was gone and there was no hemorrhoid either. When I asked him what he thought it was, he said that he was not 100% surewhat it was, but he was absolutely more certain about what it was not, referring to an anal fissure. He suspected that it was just injured tissue that was having a hard time healing (previous surgical incision, which would explain the abnormal discharge (wounds ooze when they are tying to heal).
Now, I will be honest and say that I did not remain 100% celibate during this whole ordeal (and I am rightfully idiotic), and whatever I have is the result of trauma from sex to an existing trauma. Although, I only had sex once during this whole thing, I guess I was able to really hurt myself. But anyway! When I asked him what we can do about it, he suggested that we consider surgery, where he will surgically remove the injured tissue in order to create a fresh new wound and allow it a second chance to heal up (kind of sort of sounded like a fissureectomy of sorts). The other option was to wait 2 months and come back to see how things looked, and if I was still the way I was, then he would really try to convince me to consider the surgery. At this point, I was not keen on waiting any further and I scheduled the procedure for March. In the meantime, I figured I would ask him what I should do before now and then, and he literally and verbatim said "Nothing, just be normal. Oh! And stop with the nitro, if you had a fissure, it would have probably helped by now."
So I ended up leaving the doctor's office still a tad bit confused, but with a mixed feeling of relief that I didn't have a fissure after all, or a hemorrhoid. I don't think I have ever been so excited to go under the knife, especially if I means that I would finally be done with whatever has been making my life hell for the past months.
So it has been roughly about 2 weeks since I saw my surgeon, and as reluctant as I was to just "be normal" and give up the nitro (I guess I was hanging onto a glimmer of hope that maybe it might still work) I did just as he told me to. And OMG I HAVE HAD THE MOST DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENT I HAVE HAD THIS WHOLE TIME. While I stopped with the nitro, I am still doing the miralax and using vaseline to lube up before a bowl movement, but whatever bleeding and discharge I had has since abated. Additionally, I had always sort of felt the "fissure" when I would apply nitro ointment, vaseline, or x, y, z oil. It sort of felt like uneven skin and I sort of would feel like a tiny little flap, which I guess looked like a hemorrhoid. Well I don't feel that anymore. I feel what seems like smooth skin now mostly. I have also recently had larger than usual bowl movements, as well as not so smooth ones, and of course, I would be absolutely terrified to look at the toilet paper out fear I would see blood, but I have not as of yet. Also, and this part might be a little TMI, but I have since started to masturbate again (I couldn't do this because I would bleed)) and no more bleeding as a result of this either. Gosh, I had forgotten what it felt like! Now what I have not done is resume having anal intercourse yet because I don't want to possibly ruin any progress that I have made with this thing, but I hope that after a while I can.
All in all, this has been quite the experience. Starting off so small and eventually snowballing and completely taking over my life for a good 6 months. I didn't believe that I was going to get any better, and I was ready to take a scalpel up my ass (again) if it meant that I would finally get some reprieve. But things just got better, and almost overnight. It has been about 2 weeks or so since my appointment with the surgeon, and I went from feeling the most miserable I have ever felt in my whole entire life to almost feeling normal again. I do not know if I am out of the water just yet; I guess I will have to let my surgeon decided that when I go see him again in a month. But I am really hoping that this is the end of it and I will not have to, as I so aptly put it: take a scalpel up my ass. I will say that my paranoid ass is still drinking miralax and using vaseline before I go. Call it residual trauma.
If there were lessons to be learned from this, they are probably the following: (1) Don't ever self-diagnose yourself, you will only drive yourself insane; (2) Listen and take care of your body (3) Don't try to bottle things up and cope with things no your own, talk to someone about it. I am lucky that I have close friends who, although had absolutely no idea what I was going through, were always willing to listen to me whine or cry about my ass; (4) Try your absolute best to stay positive. This one is probably the hardest lesson to put into practice because it is so easy to lose ourselves to endless thoughts of hopelessness. But on bad days, I would force myself to BELIEVE that I was going to get better and it took screaming it into existence inside my car while I was driving home from work to believe it. YOU WILL GET BETTER.
Typing this up has felt so cathartic honestly, and I want to wrap this up. I sort of feel like a poser around here or on other fissure forums (reddit has a fantastic subreddit also) because I never shared the same experience as other fissure sufferers. All in all, I do not know if this is it for me. I really really hope so, but only time will tell I suppose. Despite my mood finally becoming less blue, I am going to keep going to therapy though, because I have always sort of needed it but have always been reluctant to go. Any who, I wish everyone happy healing and thank you for sharing your stories and reading through mine.
