i can't say how these years between 2008 and now have been dramatically different in how my fissure has felt as i was under the impression that it eventually healed after the colonoscopy since i didn't have that typical, horrific fissure pain and i wasn't an emotional basket case going to the toilet. i still owe much of my new found peace in my ass to macrobiotics and the colonoscopy as well as with everything, God.
what i thought was a parting gift from the chronic fissure of four years - a skin tag that was a baby in 2008, seem to take on a life of its own. growing from year to year, making some days intolerable but i was able to carry on with everything, as i had with my fissure before.
life seemed pretty good despite my occasional flare up with the skin tag over these last few years. but since it had grown and some of its shape had a different feel, i began to get scared that perhaps this skin tag could be something else.
this year has been particularly tough since a lot of cancer awareness messages have been in the media. Stand up to Cancer, farrah fawcett's death to anal cancer, and well recently all these other celebrity deaths or cases with cancer such as Elizabeth Edwards, Michael Douglas, and Aretha Franklin.
as i have returned back to school, about three weeks ago, I had a bout of constipation - have them all the time due to stress or when i allow myself to eat the "so good bad food but i will pay for it later" stuff. during exams time, i got constipated and it was about 3 days that nothing had happened. well finally, it did and i strained to get the overdone BM out from the cookie jar! LOL! and unfortunately, i must have retore at that time.
now i didn't think much of it but the following week, i was plagued with constant pain. not fissure pain but some ugly awful throbbing, pouncing harsh pain. all week. and all week, i fixated on the skin tag. taming it with vapor rub which helped immensely and i slept well but the next morning as i had my BM, which again was not a problem - it was only hours later at work that i got hit up with these attacks of pain. i was like WTF?
i was scared.
i thought something is awfully wrong.
no blood actually. just unbelievable pain like hours later after BM.
so being 40, having anal problems since 2004, and now this grown skin tag - what could it be? why has it grown? why is it getting bigger? - and a combination of all these cancer stories, well, i was spooked! i couldn't get cancer out of my head.
this is what lead me to finally do the colonoscopy in 2008. and with that being clear, it brought so much mental relief.
it was now time. time to see a CRS. again. the one I originally saw disappeared. i was sad. i was hoping he was alright. i hope he is still alive and maybe retired somewhere where he doesn't have to look at another butthole again! LOL.
made an appt for this past monday. i really wanted a female CRS this time around. and i had picked one but she wasn't available until jan 14 2011 so i got this man who was available this past monday. i wanted to put my mind at ease - hoping that it could be put to ease. so the appt was at 1:00 pm.
as i got to work, i got a call around 10 am from the CRS office saying that the man dr had an emergency surgery to attend and wouldn't be available and if i could reschedule. with a pleasant voice, i really told the lady that i had been mentally preparing so much for this appt and that i have lead a full week before of anxiety over this that if there was somehow anyone else to see me. and with some luck, there was. a female CRS.
at 11:30 a.m.
i thought perfect. by then i was planning to walk over to their offices when i got another call to let me know that the female CRS is actually in another office that required me to take a cab! and allow more time to get there. so i had to get ready quick. even though i took some laxatives the night before and had a BM that morning which i thought cleaned me out, i had an unsuspecting feeling that i may be preparing some more BM. ugh.
anyway, get to the CRS office. it was in a hopsital. as i found my way to the right building, i had to walk past the national cancer building. of course this made me more nervous and i was hoping everyone in there was okay.
never really liked any hospitals. doctor's offices. it's not my thing.
with an active pain in my ass, one of a burning sensation mostly, but yet tender, no bleeding - i had really changed all my eating habits for an entire week as i didn't take any stool softners or other fiber helpers - i simply just ate grains, luscious veggies, no meats, no dairy, no sweets, no preservatives/processed foods - my BMs for the entire week were ideal - soft, big but out like a soft serve ice cream on a cone! - the only bad thing i indulged was a big bag of unbuttered popcorn at the cinema to see black swan on saturday morning - which i guess came out saturday night and irritated my ass.
so going over history with the female CRS, i felt super nervous and scared and especially concerned that she was going to anoscope me! even the last CRS didn't do it as he could actively see the fissure right away so he didn't want to add injury. although she didn't want to add injury either, i was ready for my close up. i got her finger first
which wasn't too bad and she immediately said that she could feel a chronic fissure. HELLO! and before that happened, she admitted that my skin tag was big but that indeed it was a skin tag. PHEW. i was relieved.
then came the anoscope. i had to endure two of them. the first one wasn't pleasant on the side of the fissure/skin tag. then i had a second anoscope inserted! it was hurtful as she twisted it and then took it out. but with it out, she was happy to say that she didn't see anything else along the anal walls and her conclusion was the fissure and skin tag.
her recommendation was to have LIS and removal of the skin tag. she says she doesn't do a normal LIS but an alternative way of doing the LIS that is less invasive. she explained it too quickly but said that everything would be done in about 20 minutes while i would be out.
i don't know what it was about her but i just thought, okay, let's do it.
i am happy that i didn't have any signs of cancer or abnormal growths down there.
that this was a good time to address the skin tag, that has bothered me over the past few years, and now that the fissure showed up and possibly never really ever left, i thought it was time to hopefully really complete this cycle of madness that somehow i have managed to keep up with, endure, and actually work, go to school, travel, drive for 29 hours to go home and visit family one way year after year......it's time.i have been reading some of the positive stories of LIS outcomes here on the board and especially those who endured a skin tag removal - this is my biggest fear - as i feel confident whatever she is going to do LIS wise, sounded good to me.
i really am hoping for the best.
the date is january 19, 2011. a wednesday. time still not assigned.
maybe because it is about a month away i don't feel too scared. but i do feel relieved that this is what is coming. i feel it is the right thing to do. the skin tag has been the thing that has scared me the most and well what i thought was my most source of ongoing drama every now and then.
soon i will join some of you in the LIS club. i am sure i will be posting for support as the day draws near.
all for now,
happyass
