Suicidal thoughts?

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Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Deleted User 5950 » 14 Mar 2017, 17:20

I've been dealing with AF for about 8 months now. Chronic constipation was the cause because of taking Suboxone for opiate addiction. 3 months ago I stopped the medicine (basically it's like opiate withdrawal but for WAY longer). I suffered for a month and a half physically, and my fissure was feeling better. I was able to have a BM and get in the car an hour later with minor discomfort. My pain was finally going away, until one incident where I had go a little too hard, and the dreaded blood showed up again.

I have been put on Diltaizem a week ago. 2 days later I was at work feeling amazing, forgetting the fissure existed. One week in, it tore again...... I know it takes a while for the dilt to work, but I feel like mentally I CANNOT take this anymore. My mind still hasn't recovered from the opiate withdrawals, and you are supposed to change your mindset (I've been mentally happy and in a great place for years before this AF) in order for your mind to heal. I'm on the polar opposite at this point. I drag myself into work, every step feels like its way too much effort. I lost all ambition to do anything. I do nothing but sit in pain, and work, and even that is hard.

What really scares me is I have been having serious thoughts about ending my life. I'm smart, have a great job, have gotten pretty far in my life, but I've dealt with this for long enough now, where I'm starting to feel like I either need the surgery (and fking pray it works for good), or I need to die. I'm pretty sure there's no way this is going to end this cycle of worrying about what I'm eating, worry about having a BM, things getting better for a week, then starting over from scratch. 8 months of my life have been completely wasted due to this.

Can anyone relate? Anything help you keep hope? How do you function in life everyday without wanting to end this crap?

Sorry for the rant, but I'm way beyond being at the end of my rope. I have 6 weeks of the dilt cream before I have another appointment. I feel like I can't go on that long without shit getting better.

Thanks for listening
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby GilmoreGirl » 14 Mar 2017, 17:51

Hi there,

I am so so sorry that you're going through this - but I have to say that I totally and completely understand.

I've had extreme fissure related pain for 7 and 1/2 months and it has been sheer torture, I've lost my job, had to take a leave from grad school, lost my boyfriend, and went from being an extremely fit and active person (I was a personal trainer) to near bed rest for nearly 8 months straight.

I was prescribed morphine about two months in, and it was a mistake to ever take it. I ended up being extremely sensitive to the drug - it provided me much needed pain relief from the fissure but I soon developed "narcotic bowel syndrome". I had to stop taking it, had severe physical withdrawal for over a month. I am only now getting over this and still have fissure pain, worse than ever.

I always used exercise as my coping mechanism for anxiety, and before this, was never depressed. Like you, I started having suicidal thoughts. They became nearly constant, I would literally do nothing and eat nothing. If it weren't for my family, I would have ended it.

It is so so scary. I know.

I decided to see a psychologist in my area who specialized in chronic pain management. This helped immensely. He is a phone call away if ever I need help. Please look into this, and if you check out my threads, I wrote a post about some of the techniques we disscuss.

The most important thing though, I would say, is that you go to see a colorectal surgeon if you have not so far. If you don't think you can last that long to try out the cream, then call your doctors office and try and move up the appointment. There are other options to help you - you will NOT be stuck with this pain. Taking action towards finding a fix always helps me - don't wait the 6 weeks of you don't feel you can.

Finally, check out the success stories on here. There is a section dedicated to just that. It has helped me lots in trying to be somewhat positive.

If you ever want to, you can send me a personal message and we can communicate there or trade emails. I am on this site several times a day, if you ever need to talk please feel free to reach out!

We're all here for you!

-GG
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Canadabum » 14 Mar 2017, 18:19

Tree -- the fissure pain can put anyone in a dark mindset...that is normal. Please know that many many on this board and all over the world are going through what you are experiencing...some with more some with less pain...it is horrible....but I also know it will pass. For me it took well over a year for the pain to recede...way too long. I know you will get through this.

You don't have to simply deal with this yourself -- please do yourself a major favour and go see your DR. immediately and let her/him know a couple things -- 1. This is causing you so much pain and distress that it is impacting your mood..and you are having these thoughts 2. You need to see a good CRS immediately to get a rectal consult done and a plan for next steps in place. Don't wait to do this...let us know once you have scheduled something.

Finally -- are you using heat to soothe the area (heating pads, warm baths, swimming pools), you should make sure your bm's are soft by using something like miralax (roundly used by many on this board), use a vaseline or something to coat the area before you go to the washroom, keep it clean....and tell yourself each day many times a day that each day you are healing and you will be getting better.

Now stop reading this and go make an appointment.

All best - Canadabum
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Deleted User 5950 » 14 Mar 2017, 18:33

I appreciate your replies! I had an appointment with a CRS 1 week ago, he prescribed the Diltaizem cream, he said "see how that goes in 6 weeks and we'll talk about surgical options." The cream for sure helps, but it tore again.. I feel like I've dealt with it this long, what's another 6 weeks, but I've done nearly everything up until this point, and I need this gone ASAP so I can get my life back. I told the CRS about having suicidal thoughts. He didn't really say much about it though. I appreciate the responses!
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby GilmoreGirl » 14 Mar 2017, 18:46

No problem. As Canadabum said, go ahead and contact your CRS again, or another one if you're not feeling that the current one is taking your case seriously. You've definitely been dealing with it long enough!
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Canadabum » 14 Mar 2017, 19:16

Tree -- are you doing all the other good stuff to help you along in your recovery...

Heat
Warm baths
Stool softener
Good potty positioning
Eating and drinking well
Taking something like Advil as needed
Sometimes cold also help the burn
Talking about it with family and friends

Call the CRS and tell them/the nurse that you need a strategy to deal with the pain -- force them to help you. We all need to become our own advocates - not easy but necessary.

Best - CB
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Deleted User 5950 » 15 Mar 2017, 14:05

I'm gonna give it a couple weeks and see if I can get to the point where I can feel better without having a tear again. It's just really hard to keep my head up, as I'm sure you all know. I appreciate the tips, those are the things I've been doing for a while. I get to the point where I'm healing, then one tiny thing goes wrong and it's right back to where I was.
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby GilmoreGirl » 15 Mar 2017, 15:06

Good for you! Yes it's so incredibly frustrating and physically/mentally exhausting.

Maybe just take each day as it comes, focus on anything positive even if it is just having a relaxing bath or watching a good movie. Do you have someone you can relax and talk with to help take your mind off things?

-GG
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Deleted User 5950 » 01 Apr 2017, 10:50

Well, here's an update. Last 3-4 weeks have been good, I eventually got to the point where I would have a BM and not have pain, then forget about it all day and I was living life. Last night, toilet full of blood, right back to square one. That's my absolute last straw. I'm calling the doctor and demanding surgery. I can't waste any more of my damn life dealing with this crap. So yep, that's where I'm at. Square fking one
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Re: Suicidal thoughts?

Postby Mypoorbutt » 01 Apr 2017, 11:30

Hi tree,
Sorry your having to deal with this
It's been the worst pain of my life the full on spasms are beyond belief.
One way to think of it is that your not back to square one because you have now made the firm and final decision to have the surgery and that is a massive step on your journey to recovery.
We have all been there, I am a very positive person who has never had depression but when my spasms were a daily occurrence I too seriously contemplated ending it and probably would have if not for my children.
But I'm now 18 weeks post LIS and my spasms only happen when I'm having a flare of my crohns or IBS so most of the time I'm now spasm free and so very grateful I got through that dark period.
Surgery will change everything and you have made that choice so you are not moving backwards you are moving forward
Good luck
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