confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

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confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby happyass » 14 Dec 2010, 21:51

well i guess it was too good to be true....to live a fissure-free life forever despite having a chronic fissure that drove me nuts and often times to want to just drive my car off a cliff as my butt was not happy but very distressed, sending pain all throughout my body.
i can't say how these years between 2008 and now have been dramatically different in how my fissure has felt as i was under the impression that it eventually healed after the colonoscopy since i didn't have that typical, horrific fissure pain and i wasn't an emotional basket case going to the toilet. i still owe much of my new found peace in my ass to macrobiotics and the colonoscopy as well as with everything, God.
what i thought was a parting gift from the chronic fissure of four years - a skin tag that was a baby in 2008, seem to take on a life of its own. growing from year to year, making some days intolerable but i was able to carry on with everything, as i had with my fissure before.
life seemed pretty good despite my occasional flare up with the skin tag over these last few years. but since it had grown and some of its shape had a different feel, i began to get scared that perhaps this skin tag could be something else.
this year has been particularly tough since a lot of cancer awareness messages have been in the media. Stand up to Cancer, farrah fawcett's death to anal cancer, and well recently all these other celebrity deaths or cases with cancer such as Elizabeth Edwards, Michael Douglas, and Aretha Franklin.
as i have returned back to school, about three weeks ago, I had a bout of constipation - have them all the time due to stress or when i allow myself to eat the "so good bad food but i will pay for it later" stuff. during exams time, i got constipated and it was about 3 days that nothing had happened. well finally, it did and i strained to get the overdone BM out from the cookie jar! LOL! and unfortunately, i must have retore at that time.
now i didn't think much of it but the following week, i was plagued with constant pain. not fissure pain but some ugly awful throbbing, pouncing harsh pain. all week. and all week, i fixated on the skin tag. taming it with vapor rub which helped immensely and i slept well but the next morning as i had my BM, which again was not a problem - it was only hours later at work that i got hit up with these attacks of pain. i was like WTF?
i was scared.
i thought something is awfully wrong.
no blood actually. just unbelievable pain like hours later after BM.
so being 40, having anal problems since 2004, and now this grown skin tag - what could it be? why has it grown? why is it getting bigger? - and a combination of all these cancer stories, well, i was spooked! i couldn't get cancer out of my head.
this is what lead me to finally do the colonoscopy in 2008. and with that being clear, it brought so much mental relief.
it was now time. time to see a CRS. again. the one I originally saw disappeared. i was sad. i was hoping he was alright. i hope he is still alive and maybe retired somewhere where he doesn't have to look at another butthole again! LOL.
made an appt for this past monday. i really wanted a female CRS this time around. and i had picked one but she wasn't available until jan 14 2011 so i got this man who was available this past monday. i wanted to put my mind at ease - hoping that it could be put to ease. so the appt was at 1:00 pm.
as i got to work, i got a call around 10 am from the CRS office saying that the man dr had an emergency surgery to attend and wouldn't be available and if i could reschedule. with a pleasant voice, i really told the lady that i had been mentally preparing so much for this appt and that i have lead a full week before of anxiety over this that if there was somehow anyone else to see me. and with some luck, there was. a female CRS.
at 11:30 a.m.
i thought perfect. by then i was planning to walk over to their offices when i got another call to let me know that the female CRS is actually in another office that required me to take a cab! and allow more time to get there. so i had to get ready quick. even though i took some laxatives the night before and had a BM that morning which i thought cleaned me out, i had an unsuspecting feeling that i may be preparing some more BM. ugh.
anyway, get to the CRS office. it was in a hopsital. as i found my way to the right building, i had to walk past the national cancer building. of course this made me more nervous and i was hoping everyone in there was okay.
never really liked any hospitals. doctor's offices. it's not my thing.
with an active pain in my ass, one of a burning sensation mostly, but yet tender, no bleeding - i had really changed all my eating habits for an entire week as i didn't take any stool softners or other fiber helpers - i simply just ate grains, luscious veggies, no meats, no dairy, no sweets, no preservatives/processed foods - my BMs for the entire week were ideal - soft, big but out like a soft serve ice cream on a cone! - the only bad thing i indulged was a big bag of unbuttered popcorn at the cinema to see black swan on saturday morning - which i guess came out saturday night and irritated my ass.
so going over history with the female CRS, i felt super nervous and scared and especially concerned that she was going to anoscope me! even the last CRS didn't do it as he could actively see the fissure right away so he didn't want to add injury. although she didn't want to add injury either, i was ready for my close up. i got her finger first Image which wasn't too bad and she immediately said that she could feel a chronic fissure. HELLO!
and before that happened, she admitted that my skin tag was big but that indeed it was a skin tag. PHEW. i was relieved.
then came the anoscope. i had to endure two of them. the first one wasn't pleasant on the side of the fissure/skin tag. then i had a second anoscope inserted! it was hurtful as she twisted it and then took it out. but with it out, she was happy to say that she didn't see anything else along the anal walls and her conclusion was the fissure and skin tag.
her recommendation was to have LIS and removal of the skin tag. she says she doesn't do a normal LIS but an alternative way of doing the LIS that is less invasive. she explained it too quickly but said that everything would be done in about 20 minutes while i would be out.
i don't know what it was about her but i just thought, okay, let's do it.
i am happy that i didn't have any signs of cancer or abnormal growths down there. Image that this was a good time to address the skin tag, that has bothered me over the past few years, and now that the fissure showed up and possibly never really ever left, i thought it was time to hopefully really complete this cycle of madness that somehow i have managed to keep up with, endure, and actually work, go to school, travel, drive for 29 hours to go home and visit family one way year after year......it's time.
i have been reading some of the positive stories of LIS outcomes here on the board and especially those who endured a skin tag removal - this is my biggest fear - as i feel confident whatever she is going to do LIS wise, sounded good to me.
i really am hoping for the best.
the date is january 19, 2011. a wednesday. time still not assigned.
maybe because it is about a month away i don't feel too scared. but i do feel relieved that this is what is coming. i feel it is the right thing to do. the skin tag has been the thing that has scared me the most and well what i thought was my most source of ongoing drama every now and then.
soon i will join some of you in the LIS club. i am sure i will be posting for support as the day draws near.
all for now,
happyass
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby cherylk » 14 Dec 2010, 22:43

Happy,
You write so well!! Hoping for the best and glad no sign of cancer!!!!!
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby scaredy_butt » 15 Dec 2010, 00:56

"maybe because it is about a month away i don't feel too scared. but i do feel relieved that this is what is coming. i feel it is the right thing to do"
that is exactly how I feel about my upcoming surgery on January 25th, 2011. We will be in the recovery boat together you and I!
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby NeuropathicGuy » 15 Dec 2010, 01:02

Dude. happyass. What a story! I read your entire post and have to say that I'm sorry to hear that your fissure has surfaced again. But boy do you have something of a great attitude and humor about it :)
Hey I think a bunch of us are going to be in the surgery club in January. I'm getting circumcised around then. Hopefully you LIS'ers don't mind me joining your parade even though my procedure isn't ass related Image
Out of curiosity: what method is your CRS using for LIS? Did she call it a "closed limited" procedure by chance?
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby happyass » 15 Dec 2010, 08:13

thank u all. i feel much better coming out of the fissure closet again and traveling down this familiar road with good peeps such as yourselves.
i feel like this is a 25th anniversary celebration or something - like yeah, i was hoping to be reunited with my fissure one day.
so i have a list of questions (that seems to be growing) that i will take to the CRS on my follow-up visit pre-op which i have to schedule soon. i will post it up later over the weekend to see if anyone thinks i have other questions i should add to the list.
NT, what is going on with tailoring your penguin's tuxedo? what date do you have set for your surgery? having my full tuxedo too, it comes in handy in the winter months! LOL. i take mine to the cleaners every day and wash it, steam clean it, and on some good days, pet it til it just can't take no more! do you have to do this cause the tux is just way too tight?
with regards to the type of LIS she will do, i have no clue if it has a special name. all i can remember her saying is that she will have me with my legs wide open in a V shaped (i guess with help of stirrups or something) and then she will come thru from a different direction as opposed to the "standard" direction and make her incisions. this was one of my questions to her on my follow-up. she stated that it was less invasive to the area that allowed for a quicker recovery.
but don't they all say that? LOL!
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby Guest » 15 Dec 2010, 09:38

Hey Happy,
Just wanted to say I'm sorry about the stupid fissure of yours coming back!! I hate that you have to get LIS after so long of doing well, but it really hasn't been that bad for me.
I see you already seen that I have a small new skin tag, but other than that it's all been pretty uneventful and much easier than I expected.
I will keep you posted on the new skin tag!! I'm hoping there's no more surprises and it just goes away. I'm waiting to here from my crs today.
We're here for you and I agree with the others about your attitude being great and your sense of humor. Good luck, and we're here for ya:)
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby Cagirl » 15 Dec 2010, 10:05

HA- What a story! I'm sorry you've been going thru this for so long. But glad that you're finally going to find hope.
I am 13 days post LIS and have had a remarkable recovery. I have to remind myself now that I'm not even 2 weeks out and to remember to rest. Otherwise, I have no signs of having had LIS, well except my nightly Miralax. It really has been the easiest/best thing I've done and am glad that I'll be enjoying the holidays.
All the best to you, January will be here before you know it and I'll be cheering you on!
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Re: confessions of a retear and discovery of a long lost friend!

Postby happyass » 16 Dec 2010, 17:21

Okay just got my confirmation papers for the surgery date and time.
9:00 a.m. EST on January 19th! IV Sedation :-) I am ready for my Twilight trip Image
I have my f/u appt on 12/27 to go over questions - will post those over the weekend.
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