Thanks Hopetoheal
That's encouraging to hear. I hope hope hope my healing process will be similar to yours.
After writing my last post I was feeling very down and in moderate pain. Soon after writing it I fell asleep. I guess I was exhausted with the situation. I woke up feeling a bit better. The pain was slightly eased.
I went downstairs ate and then quite naturally felt like I had to have a BM. In the moment, I wasn't scared or nervous for some reason. I think taking the nap and waking up feeling slightly better helped.
Well....I DID IT! I had my first BM post!!! It wasn't that painful!
I was planing to do it in the sitz bath like frustrated suggested but when the time came...I was totally unprepared! SO I just did it the normal way. It wasn't too hard and it wasn't really soft. Right in the middle. Unfortunately for not going in 4 days it was not a lot, so I know it wasn't comeplete but atleast I got some of it out. There was quite a lot of blood but that is to be expected of course. Right afterwards my natural instinct was to pull the tp to wipe and then I remembered what you all said. So quite awkwardly, I grabbed my sitz bath (while trying to stand over the toilet for the blood to drip) and filled it with warm water to sit in. Now I'm sitting in a poo/blood bath, typing to u all and feeling quite proud of myself! (This is the only place one can talk about poo in such detail and not get shunned. lol)
I've vowed to not look at my bum again until day 7. It really freaks me out but there is nothing I can do to change the appearance so unless something feels strange, I will not worry myself further by looking.
I drew a bath, I'm about to sit in it and watch a movie on my laptop.
Day 4, turned out to not be that bad of a day! Here's hoping day 5 will be even better