I agree with Tanya... Whether or not what is happening with your health now is related to the past may or may not ever be sorted out, and probably has somewhat limited relevance in moving forward from here with your doctors. You are making really positive changes in your life now, moving forward, doing the best you can with what is in front of you. That is really awesome that you are doing that.
All we can do is keep coming back to the moment now, which is the only moment any of us really has at all...
I hope the spasms are giving you a break tonight!

Tanya, Jr, thanks both for your thoughtful replies and notes of encouragement.
I too have read that cells are in a state of constant replenishment. In fact, most folks don't realize it, because it happens quite subtly, but our outer layer of skin sheds off on a nearly monthly basis. I also suffer from Psoriasis, which is actually an ailment whereby the skin replacement cycle is sped up and occurs continuously on certain spots on your body. It is a hereditary ailment, and for me at least, first manifested itself in my 40s. Thankfully, it has limited its exposure to my shins, knee caps and elbows. I'm not a vain person, but I would sure hate to live with this doing to my face what it does to small areas of my shins. Sadly, due to this, I've actually been refused access to public swimming pools in the past from folks unaware that Psoriasis is not contagious.
I don't doubt that the body's cells are all replaced every seven years, but that said, once mutated, that change stays, and may not stay the same. Think of it like my Psoriasis, which I carried through my heredity all my life, but which only began to physically show up when I hit my mid-forties. Also, although every cell may be replaced, they are not replaced exactly, which explains aging.
At present, the best that Psychiatric medicine can come up with is that my head issues are being caused by depression, which I have suffered with on and off throughout my life, anxiety disorder, and particularly PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). The last truly traumatic incident that I can recall occurred in 1995, when I was trapped in an elevator for over an hour, on one of the hottest days on record in Chicago history, and nearly broiled to death. The first highly stressful incident occurred in my teens, when I was jumped by 4 men in a robbery attempt that left me with a fractured skull, picking brown glass from my head over the following six months, and a mouth that required thirteen stitches. I also suffered bruised ribs and bruises and contusions over a number of spots on my body. They left me for dead when I passed out during the beating.
While I do accept the possibility, again, I find it improbable that suddenly, one day, one of the several past life threatening incidents that I've experienced, would have suddenly manifested itself in the symptoms which I have displayed over the past seven months. To me, the idea of the drug use seems to make more sense. It would also explain why the current high quantity of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications are not working at all in correcting the problem. In fact, during the now several months during which I have been on these meds, my original symptoms have gotten worse, and I have come fairly close to ending it all twice.
In other news, although the spasms remain, it would appear that my change of diet and use of the CORRECT level of Nitro, combined with some of the suggestions I have received here, have helped with the monster on my posterior and brought it to an at least bearable level of pain.

I should note that, as to looking to the future, every day I lose just a bit more confidence in modern medicine's ability to correctly diagnose and treat what began ailing me last summer. That said, I do realize that, if this cannot be successfully dealt with, I am going to have to come up with a new way of living out my life with some satisfaction.
Although I can no longer carry out the functions of my present and former occupations, I do retain knowledge that I can share, and I am learning that there are alternative methods with which to learn, much thanks to the digital age.
What frightens me the most about this today are the blackouts, or periods of cognitive loss, for I cannot accurately know when they will strike. Most of my suppositions have, at one point or another been rendered moot. There have been at least several times when one of my replies back in this forum have taken multiple attempts over a period of hours.
I am not afraid to die at all. Although I do not possess full faith in an afterlife, in any of the ways in which man has used to comfort and insulate himself to the reality of his mortality, I am fully aware that each of us only has but a brief time in which to exist in our current physical/sociological form, when taken against the reality of the millenia.
What I don't want are to end up living as a vegetable or suffering for years with extreme physical pain. Even something quite brief but painful, such as self-immolation would be preferable to me.
Don't worry, I'm not planning a BBQ for the immediate future, I just am expressing that there are times when suicide does make perfect sense.

Hey Rob. The thoughts of suicide come and go with me. Like you I'm not really afraid of dying. It has to be better than what I'm going through, though most of that is mental. But I watched both of my parents die slowly from illnesses. So, dying in a hospital bed on someone else's timetable doesn't appeal to me as much as trying to live life as fully as possible and checking out when it's my decision.
It's the living life more fully that has me perplexed at the moment. This AF business is sloooooowly getting better, but it is. I just hate making such drastic life changes to deal with it. Changes that are likely going to be permanent, but changes that don't bring as much life to life. Maybe I just need to change my mindset about it all and not worry so much about what I'm giving up and focus on what I get in the end. Ha.
Anyway, I can understand.

DadOfZ, what a timely comment. I was just about to chime back in with a report that my latest BM was both painful and bloody, and now the after burn of the spasms is kicking in.
I never saw my dad beyond the age of five, so I don't know what may have taken him out. He'd be almost 100 now if he's still around. I did get to witness, all too painfully, as my mom slowly faded and then burned out due to Alzheimer's. Well aware of how independent she had been, and knowing that, at least one time, she had a grasp on the fact that she was losing it, I can't imagine the inner horror she went through. No, actually, that's wrong, I can, as I am beginning to experience certain aspects of infirmity and dimensia myself. NOT FUN!!!

to digress... most so called "advanced" societies are ill equipped for handling death and dying. The entire medical profession has as its mission the "cheating of death" ... Death to a doctor is considered a failure. Seems to me a far more civilized approach treats death as part of the natural cycle of life and assists people with their comfort, fears, and needs on all levels of being... Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual, and when the right time comes for a person's life to end, to be a partner to them on this side of life, walking up to edge of life with them as far as is possible and comforting them over to the other side.
That being said, there are ways to learn to adapt to living within these challenging chronic health problems. It isn't easy to do, and made even more difficult when we have a medical establishment that is so imbalanced when it comes to care. The vast majority of treatments
involve cutting the body or putting chemical cocktails into the body...
shortcuts... Rather than spending the time to really get to know a patient
on all levels, and become a partner in healing... A partner in helping the
body remember how to heal itself when it has lost its way...
Don't give up trying though. Between the wisdom of support networks like this one, as well as knowledgeable doctors that are out there, and the power of healing that we all have within us, it is imperative that we all do our part in all the ways we can... through our diet and healthy lifestyle choices, and emotional/mental/spiritual support in whatever form that may take for any individual. There is so much available in the way of resources and support.
Hoping everyone is having as comfortable day as is possible...

Had a couple days of respite, but now the painful BMs are returning. So far not quite as bloody as before, but as we've all seemed to learn, this AF thing appears to be a beast that likes to taunt its victims. As bad as the pain of a BM is, it is afterwards, in the agony of the spasms, that one questions the value of life.
As I've mentioned before, during a tempestually misspent youth, I never thought that I would survive to see my 30th birthday. Today, with all the health issues coming at me, I now wonder if I want to even contemplate seeing my 60th.
I know that I should not be feeling that way, but with all the pain from my back and my butt, competing with the limitations imposed by my head/nervous system, it makes finding some sort of center extremely hard.
I began the journey with my head issues looking for Dr House, but I assume he OD'd on his pain pills, and my thoughts keep turning more and more to finding Dr Kevorkian.
I am tired of being a guinea pig for the pusherman of a multi-trillion dollar drug lord, in the hopes that some drug cocktail will restore my lost functionality.
Sorry for rambling but I've got to do something to attempt to take my mind off the pain.
Oh yes, had physical therapy today for my back, and then came home and had to help my son get the Christmas decorations that have been sitting in the garage for a couple months now up into the attic. Ended that activity with my back screaming about bodily abuse. Will see the physical therapist again on Wednesday.
I'm hoping everyone else has had or is having a peaceful day or night of it. Take care, and may the MiraLAX be with you!
Rob

Rob,
One of the problems that anyone can encounter when going through such a hard time is that the more you follow after the dark thoughts and keep reinforcing them, the deeper they draw you in... your brain and body literally become hardwired with them, and as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult to find any light in the darkness at all.
The more loops we run, the more accustomed we become to running them until you get to a point where you aren't even aware of it any more as it has become such a patterned habitual way of being.
Even if for only short periods during the day if you can find ways to direct your mind in a new direction, you can start to build on that and hopefully begin to create new networks and patterns in your thinking. Expose yourself to music that calms you, think about how wonderful it will be when your spasms are relieved by your surgery, about how every day you are taking another step forward by trying different things toward your own healing.
I can't imagine with your back and fissure pain how you managed to move Christmas decorations, but isn't your body an amazing thing that it still responded to your directions to move those decorations despite how much pain it was in? What a strong body you must have. And yes, it did let you know with more pain that it wasn't what was best for it while it is hurting so much already... but still, what a miracle that it found the strength to follow you where you wanted to go.

Yeah Jr, I'd actively started looking at ways to bring it all to an end, by pills a couple few weeks ago and through self-immolation the other evening. As you said, all the stuff going on has got me looking at the darkest corners of my mind, and it gets to be like a black hole, drawing you in, a tunnel with no light at the end.
I know that I have to be patient and that hopefully the answers will come and that eventually, one way or another, I will be OK. That said, I feel like the cartoon image I remember of two buzzards on a dead tree branch, one leaning over to the other to say, "Patience my a**, I'm gonna kill something."
I do realize that on the other end of whatever this ailment turns out to be, my life may be different in many ways. I might never be able to drive again, nor may reading books be in my future. I may also not be able to return to work as I know it. If that be the case, I may have to find other ways to experience that feeling of productivity and usefulness.
My big desire for now is to discover whether there might be hope for a cure, or do I just start looking at the alternatives?
At least I can hope for a successful resolution to my ailments with my AF and my back. And yes, the body is an amazing thing in the way it tries to come back from adversity.
I remember a kid who got served a Mickey Finn of PCP at a party. He'd never drank alcohol or did drugs ever in his life. He flipped out completely, and there was no prognosis for any return to normal. His sanity was being maintained by mass amounts of Thorazine, and once, when the drug wore off early, I witnessed him running around the ward in sheer terror, trying to escape the green monsters in his brain. I think of him, and all the stuff I've abused, and I am so grateful today that I can even express an intelligent statement.
I guess it's all about attitude. I do need to get/be outside of myself.

I like your thinking today Rasmith!
My husband always likes to say, "this too shall pass".
I do wonder how much of your dark thinking is coming from the cocktail of meds you are on...
I know when I was recovering from the Ativan, depression was a constant neighbour.
Anyways, hope you have a splendid night!
-Tanya