10 days ago my life as I knew it ended. I never fully appreciated how wonderful it was until acquiring an Anal Fissure.... or what I believe to be probably a handful of them.
I'm a 38 y.o. single mother of two - who is currently without health insurance. I think this fissure probably started out as something more managable in late June when I was finishing up my Business degree. I've been under a tremendous amont of stress over the past 4 months. This has wreaked havoc upon my bowels. First, my 9 year old was diagnosed with brain cancer and had a tumor removed, and then finishing up college sentenced me to spending hours on a kitchen chair in front of my PC. I think the combination of the three attributed to this condition. Plus, I just think I am anatomically predisposed. I'm certain that I have a hypertonic sphincter. But in any event..... I find myself thinking that I'd rather drive my car into the garage and just go to sleep. I just don't want to live like this any longer. I'm so utterly despondent and I find myself thinking that something seriously has to be wrong that requires more medical intervention - and then I read all of the posts on this forum and wind up feeling that I'm no different and this is just going to be my new lot in life. That this will be a cross that I may end up having to bear for years, and it just makes me feel even worse. I spend hours thinking, why me? What have I done to deserve this?
I've never been constipated in my life. I've never had to strain to move my bowels. I was regular, usually having 2-3 BM's a day. After the bout of diarrhea in June, I chalked up the blood on the TP and bowl to a hemmorhoid and treated with Prep-H. I achieved what I thought was a resolution to my symptoms. But in August, for no apparent reason, I started to see some blood.... then more blood, then lots of blood and I started to be plagued with this constant pain for HOURS after BM's. Finally, when I couldn't take it anymore, I broke down and saw my Primary Cvare Physician on August 16th. He gave me a limited external visual exam. Said he saw no sign of a fissure, just three small hemmorhoids. He sent me on my way with Hydrocortison suppositories, instructed me to begin taking a stool softener, told me to up my fluids, eat lots of fiber and take sitz baths. I barely made it through the weekend. By Monday I was now cold calling GI's physicians. One nurse took pity upon me and had me come right over to their office. Again, more of the same. A brief external visual exam. No rectal exam becasue of my level of pain. This Dr. made no mention of hmmorhoids and said it was def a fissure. He sent me on my way with a script for the .125% Nitro cream. Again, baths, fiber, water and stool softeners. he advised me that these things take up to a month to heal. I came home right after filling the script and was able to get two doses of the cream actually inside of me with my pinky finger. For dinner that night I had a large bowel of Shredded Wheat, thinking that this high fiber would create a softer stool. HA! What a joke! It was without a doubt the most tedious, excruciating BM I have ever had. I literally found my self SCREAMING on the toilet. I thought that I might pass out. It was horribly disturbing for my boyfriend who was left feeling totally helpless. It was horrendous. And then of course, 3 or 4 hours later I had to follow it up. I've never, in all of my life, seen that amouont of blood leave my body. The stool was streaked, there were clots on the TP and in the water... it was disturbing. The next day? More of the same. At this point I felt I needed to go to the ER. Where I received the "second-class citizen" treatment. They asked for a urine sample, which they then did NOTHING with after learning I had no insurance. It sat there unaddressed on the bedside table. No IV, no labs drawn. I was in excruciating pain..... my mother who accompanied me becasue I cannot drive, sat their sobbing right along with me. I haven't worked in a week. I can't drive, can't sit. Can't walk. So the hospital sent me on my way telling me I needed to be scoped. That they could not perform that in the ER. They gave me two percocet and told me to contact my GI doc. After contacted the GI practice, they informed me that if I was bleeding THAT much and in that much pain... that a scope in the office would never be humored. The nurse told me that I probably needed surgical intervention. She told me to go BACK to the ER to obtain a surgical consult. I haven't even bothered. Becasue I don;t have $20k for out-of-pocket ass surgery at present. I don;t knwo what to do. If would rather have a colostomy bag than have one more BM. I just cannot believe for the life of me that we can put a man on the moon, yet modern medicine cannot provide me with a solution that might alleviate the pain of having a BM. And this High fiber diet? WTF? My stools are bigger than ever, more traumatic than ever, and feel as if they are helping more than hurting!!!!!! I feel as if I am being ripped in two with each trip to the bathroom. I concede. I'm at the point where I'm actually thinking that I just WILL NOT EAT. I'm drinking as much water as a camel and the stool gets harder and harder. My anus is so swollen that I can barely even pass gas. there's no way to get my finger inside to apply the NTG cream so I am now accomplishing this with a q-tip covered in a finger cot. The other day I placed it inside of me and the blood from my rectum ran right down the finger cot onto my hand. Can this REALLY be the result of a fissure? What if this is a cancer?????? Why is it not a priority for any of these doctors to actually look or feel inside of me to find out what is going on?????? Can't they knock me out for the purpose of at least SEEING where this blood is coming from? I'm losing my mind. My family is watching my kids. I miss my kids. I want my life back. I don't know what to do. I just am groing more and more hopeless with each passing day... and to hear that there are people on this page that suffer with this for YEARS makes me think that I might be better served by just offing myself. I have no income coming in and am staring down the barrel of THOUSANDS of dollars in medical bills.
I'm sorry for this rant, but I needed to share this with someone. I need any advice, support, suggestions that I can get. I just don't want this. I just don't want this. I just don't want this.