Aw Luka bless you x
I feel your anguish so will everyone here, and have been through all those anxieties, the stress, the worry, the fact it just all overwhelms and almost takes over your life and it is hard but don't let it beat you. It's taken me months to come to terms with it and I'm still mildly bum obsessed too but it's got so much easier that it all fades a little more as time goes on. Just be patient and keep up all that good work you are doing....Also try not to stress about the "retear"...it happens to some but also as you heal, things strengthen a little down there and if you do have a harder BM or it's a little more difficult to expel, it's not necessarily going to tear and put you back to square one, it will probably just irritate the area again a bit until it calms down again. You are doing a great job in reminding yourself of that. Just take things day by day.
I was majorly OCD over it all when it all first started to the extent I needed anti-depressants to lift me out of that. They really helped me personally but I too was constantly checking my bum, panicking over every new bump or lump - maybe 3/4 times a day!!...I don't think it harms to take a peek now and again but do be gentle when handling that tender area down there. Also, restricting this action will draw your attention away from the issue more, so just take a look maybe every couple of days and then less and less....
I don't know why I bothered to be honest as my fissure is more internal and I can't even see the thing!!!
Straining on the loo means applying any form of pressure to get that stool out, so even gentle pushing isn't good. It should all literally just fall out with minimal effort. Grit your teeth type pushing is definitely a no no!! I now have good BM's (through months of practice) and when I go to the loo, I squat, I take deep breaths through the whole experience and really focus on it all coming out nice and smoothly and 9.5 times out of 10, with deep breathing and focus alone, it comes sliding out quite naturally, especially first thing in the morning. I generally go twice a day and the second time, I always find a little less easy (not sure why, still working on that!) and I do sometimes give a couple of very small gentle internal pushes, which normally does the trick. My aim is never to push or strain to any extent but it's not easy when you've been accustomed to doing that your whole life!
The stool softener will help keep the stool soft but it doesn't necessarily make it "fall" out. Being relaxed really helps on the toilet....
Keep up the good work and just really try not to obsess about it all because it just adds stress in all forms. Keep up the positive self talk and tell yourself, it will take a while but you will beat this. My mantra is "My fissure IS healing day by day"

Hi Luka, its past midnight here and I'm in bed typing on an iPad! Why you or anybody else needed to know this completely and utterly useless peice of information I have no idea. I do however feel its set te mood. Ok, Ive lost the plot!
Mine is real far inside. The line I can see is the tip of it and no more. Mine was between 1-2cm in length, my CRS saw it. I would really try and leave it alone as you may be upsetting things. Everyone is so worried their fissure is more painful, or different to other people's.... I'm saying this because I thought the same. But yours can and WILL heal.
One thing I have learnt through the past few weeks is how powerful ones mind is. Despite a confirmed diagnosis of healing I've been managing to cause myself really quite severe pain through anxiety and poor toilet technique. Initially I thought certain foods or drinks were irritating me, but I have eventually realised its my anticipation of the morning after consuming them which has caused the issue.
As for pushing... trust me its possible to go without, just relax. If you push it tightens the muscles inside and causes more friction. This for me has been and still is a big battle... I always want to push! Guess I've been doing it for years.
Whatever fear or anticipation you are experiencing before a BM causes you to tighten up. This creates friction, which causes the damage. It's just a bodily function... every living thing on this planet does it. Relax, nobody can see or hear you, and let go.
I have an 'interesting' technique. Feel free to PM me if you want to know how I manage this :)

+ Ever the Optimist speaks wise words :)
It really should just fall out. I had no idea until a few days ago. Seriously.

Luka when a fissure is starting to heal you will have what I call ups and downs, like you say, a few days feeling good and then two weeks feeling back like is fresh.
But then the good days over shadow the bad days, pain and spams will start to fade to the point that you will be waiting to make sure that is not happening, then the irritation will take longer much longer, you will get irritated after a BM but no longer will have the spams or pain, but once in while you will get a littler "cramp" that will make you remember how it was when the pain was there.
The irritation will be mild as the weeks go away and the fissure is healing, then one day you will have not longer any irritation at all.
Is very interesting how we go on stages of healing, some will heal completely while others will never heal without surgery.
I have to say that so far I am doing great on my own and very soon hopefully will be posting my success story on healing my fissure naturally.
I hope this helps and you find encouragement on dealing with this painful problem.

Thank you again everyone for your support. I'm so happy there's this forum available to sufferers like me. It gives me hope and it's so nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing and understand. My family and friends don't understand this issue at all (except maybe my mom who has had hemorrhoid problems in the past and her share of pain with other things). But 99% of people I know just don't understand the awful pain these things can cause and how long they take to heal. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand at all that these things take so long to heal... it's like he thinks there's something horribly wrong with me. It hurts that he's not more understanding sometimes.
Ever the Optimist: Thank you for the reassurance. I probably just irritated the fissure with my recent large BM, thus the pain recently. I'm a total worrywart about everything, so it's hard for me not to get obsessed and anxious over this. I do take Prozac for depression and anxiety (I've been on it since I was in middle school), which seems to help, but there are still days where I get really worried and just break down in tears. Not just from the pain, but from just the stress of all this and having to be so meticulous about diet and everything else. Some days it bothers me a lot, while other days I'm just fine. Like you said, I just need to keep up the positive thinking.
CrackinUp: Thanks for the info. I think I will try not looking at mine for a while, since it seems to just get more irritated when I try to look at it more closely in the mirror. Looking at it just upsets me more, anyway, and then I start getting hopeless.
I do think stress is a major part of my problem, just like you. That's why I have shy bowel syndrome, which I think was a major cause (if not THE cause) of my fissure. I would strain a lot when in uncomfortable situations and just couldn't go because I was so stressed (at my boyfriend's house, at friends' houses, on vacation, etc.). I know I've probably caused injury down there because of that and it's something I need to stop. I will probably need psychological help to get there, though.
marg6043: I can definitely relate to the ups and downs. I'll be fine a few days, then pain will come back the next few days. Very frustrating. I can't wait for the day when this pain is gone for good.

Luka,
You have really found some great support here. It sounds like all of us on this post are at very similar conclusions and stages in dealing with our fissures. Please take comfort in that.
Just a thought and it is only a thought, but I've had to take anti-depressants on and off for years (mainly due to hormonal imbalances which have led to panic attacks, anxiety, depression the lot!) I also took Prozac for a long time, which also helped immensely. This wasn't by choice and I resisted them initially but they really helped me as NOTHING was helping my moods. When I had to start taking them again when the fissure issue arose, they actually prescribed me Sertraline this time round as it's more targeted towards OCD and I can honestly say they have helped so much. It is really hard trying to mentally cope with a fissure alone but when you are prone to the emotional issues too, it's even harder. My thought is maybe you could see your GP to discuss your anti-depressants, whether they are the right type for you right now or whether you might need to increase your current dose? This is ONLY my thinking and something I was just thinking might help you?
We are all here to help and my partner is also a nightmare as he has no understanding of the pains of a fissure, having never experienced it himself. He actually thinks it's more funny and just jokes about it! I was hurt too by his insensitivity initially but he is respectful in other ways in that when he cooks, he will always prepare fissure friendly stuff and has never pressurised me into having sex etc. when it was all too painful, so yes, I do understand that infuriation at the lack of understanding but I am fortunate he also respects me enough to help out in his own ways.
The greatest source of support I have ever found is on this site too and a very understanding GP & boss at work. Even my family were of the attitude, just get on with it, deal with it, get over it but we all know it's not that easy! :)

Ever the Optimist: Yes, I am very appreciative of the help at this forum. It's given me a lot of hope and I thank God every day for it. : ) It's great to know there's some place where people will understand and can help.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder in middle school (terrible, terrible time for me) and was put on a lot of different anti-depressants (one at a time, of course). The only one that truly worked for me was Prozac and it gave me my life back. I've been on it ever since. If I try to stop it, I get very depressed and having trouble coping with many things. So, I stay on it. Without it, I'd be a miserable mess and my panic attacks would come back full force, as well.
Honestly, I'm not too keen on seeing my GP anytime soon. He misdiagnosed my fissure as proctitis the last time I saw him in January (which the nurses at my CRS's office didn't understand at all how he came to that diagnosis) and did a digital rectal exam, which I think irritated things even more. My CRS didn't even do that; he just looked on the outside. I wasn't very impressed with him the last time I saw him. I think I'd be much better off seeing a psychologist, although I'm unsure who to see and how much that would cost. It's something I really need to look into. The whole shy bowel issue is ruining my life. : (

CrackinUp wrote:Yes, but it doesn't mean it won't heal with Nitro.
Nitro is for treatment of chronic fissures. Those words are actually printed on the box. Some people seem to worry / believe if there is a tag you'll require surgery... I have a fair size skin tag and I 'healed' (the cut is closed) with Nitro in just 5 weeks. 8 weeks in I still have a bit of trouble / discomfort with the tag, but this is now shrinking.
Once your fissure has healed over you don't feel normal right away, it's still a slow process returning to a painless backside as the area is still very raw. This shocked me at first as I expected to be fine immediately.

I should be getting my Nitro soon.
Yes, it is a very slow healing process. I really don't have "pain" when I have BM.. I think more like "irritation".. or itchy or a minor "burning sensation". I have not felt real "pain" in weeks.
I am just concerned that once I have skin tag, I need a surgery and I believe my condition is not nearly as severe as some of you are suffering.
I sometimes have this "air" in my butt feeling.. like my butt feels heavy and wanting to have BM but there is really nothing there. I don't know how to describe that feeling.. . it's like the muscle in the area tense up.
Well, I've been "fingering" my ass for 10mins in the morning now. I read that thread about anal dilation and I believe it is very helpful. My only concern is whether my dilation can cause the "tear" to open up more?

So I used the mirror trick also and saw all my little demons as they set up camp right there at the entrance.
Yuck, it looked and felt all messy down there with skin tags swelling, grooves, ditches volcanoes everything.
I did mostly the midas touch and after several months without a fissure I was surprised on how smooth it felt, just like I never had any problems ever before. Its sooo smooth now.
HTH & GL to you