I hoped never to be driven back to this site, but alas...
Hello all, and thanks for reading. My journey began over three years ago, when one day I noticed some painless blood after wiping. At the time I thought nothing of it since I've had enlarged hemms for as long as I can remember, and seeing a little red happened at least annually. But I kept seeing it day after day, then weeks, then months. Eventually I decided I ought to have it looked at despite living in Asia and not being keen on navigating a low/no English medical system. So I did some research and planned to visit a hospital after a brief end of year trip.
But the fissure couldn't wait till the new year. After uncharacteristically not having a BM the day before, on New Year's Eve it came in guns a blazin'; explosive force causing a pain I had never known, like razor blades were clamouring over one another to get out of my ass as fast as possible, leaving a trail of blood and feces in their wake. Unlike other aspects, this wasn't the most fun thing to experience in a hostel given the semi-public toilet stall. Luckily I maintained awareness, but unluckily (as I soon discovered walking to cause the debilitating secondary pain of having a soldering iron activated and used on the inside of my anus) I was due to recolate to another hostel that day. I eventually made it and spent the next several days shivering in the poorly insulated building, hovering over toilet seats and pit latrines looking into water dyed red. Happy new year!
The next few weeks were slightly less lonely but equally agonizing, with the added stress of seeing two doctors who examined me excruciatingly painfully and invasely (thought from them I learned that it was a fissure, and what that was), and finalizing long-standing plans to move out of the country in which I resided to travel to several others in order to choose another place to settle. How was I going to survive this? I wasn't sure but it was too late to think about it. Plus it was god damn cold so at least I'd be suffering in the warmth once I left. I figured I could always spring for another medical exam in another more affordable country and maybe get treatment. I spent most of my initial time writing in agony, basically immobile for the first half of every day, poring over medical website and journals trying to learn what I could about fissures. It was looking bad, but not hopeless. Surgery terrified me, but there seemed to be several options to try before that. So to start I bought a plastic tub at a local market and sat it in after BM's, then after reading some sufferers' and doctors' recommendations, during them. It felt a bit better and the bleeding was less consistent, but it was still a problem.
So I saw a surgeon who told me those drugs used as first line medical therapy? Not legal in Asia. Arse. Well, nothing to do besides what I've been doing, I guess. I kept at it but things didn't change much, though I still changed countries. I was functional most of most days but those chunks of broken glass kept forcing their way out of me on the daily. But then one day the inevitable came: I got a stomach bug. At first it was abysmal, but I kept on using the tub. And then I realised: no blood. No butt pain. I can walk...when my intestines aren't exploding! Hallelujah! And it stayed so even after the diarrhea. Although instead of my previous one mostly formed stool a day, I was still having 2-3 quite loose ones thereafter, which persisted for about a year and a half (sending me down another rabbit hole of wondering what was wrong in that manner; no test ever came up with anything).
I mostly went back to regular life, though with some newly acquired trauma from the fissure (and other things) which stayed with me, but no relapse...for long. A hospitalization just over a year ago gave me a hard stool which aggravated my biggest hemm then moved into being a very brief and mild fissure (seemed to be a correlation there), and then had another minor yet totally unexplained one this summer. Welcome to 2021, and a few days of cold dry air mixed with too many pretzels gave rise to a Destroyer stool, aggravating that same hemm at first, and just like last time moved up the posterior midline causing a fissure; tolerable at first, until this week when the bleeding and pain have cranked up to 10, then 11. Possibly even worse than last time. Went to emerg as my GP is in another city and a good doc prescribed a nifedipine/lidocaine mix...which seems to be doing absolutely nothing. The day I started using it was the day it became insane and I thought I might be reacting, but the next day I put it on my hand to no ill effect and didn't use any on the rear, and it still was excruciating. So bad that any position save for fetal on my back (sometimes side) feels like degrees of that old soldering iron for hours, until evening when I can kind of function. Hot sitz tub helps until after about ten minutes of being out of it. Farting hurts and I can feel my pulse in the fissure. I am not averse necessarily to Botox (thiughtnthe cost may be prohibitive), and surgery is still terrifying, but so is living like this...
TL;DR Now that the story has caught up to the moment of me writing I think the fun literary bent will fade as the horror of existence is apparent. Is it normal for nifedipine/lidocaine to have literally no impact? I can feel the pain/spams now interfering with my ability to totally empty my bladder at times too, which is kinda really freaking me out. The amount of pain and way I have to position my body to feel any relief means I basically can do nothing for most of most days. I have a (surprisingly only phone) consult with a GE Monday but the secretary said when I called to confirm that my GP had likely misreferred me as that isn't really his area and I could be referred out elsewhere, otherwise I might be seen 2+ weeks after the initial call. It's cold and lonely and covid for f-$K's sake and this is NOT the time for this to be happening, to me or anyone, anywhere, ever. Seriously, I would not wish this affliction on any person.
Despite that I am glad this resource exists, and am hopeful to connect with people on here. I at least got to enjoy the distraction of flexing my literary muscles writing this ridiculously long post, which if not a beginning for interaction will hopefully at least entertain others out there. Now it's your turn, universe...