ouch it well down like a lead ballon :):)
3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scottish, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irish guy says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish. The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity". Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. "The Genie explains "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."

I answered the door the other day and there was a six and a half foot beetle standing there.
He flicked my ears really hard, stamped on my foot, tweaked my nipples hard, kicked me in the groin, kneed me in the stomach and punched me in the nose.
It then walked off laughing....................................................................
Apparently theres a really nasty bug going round!!!

I'm just wiping away the tears of laughter at Derryboy's hilarious contributions. Many thanks for those.
Latest news: a vicious and brutal group of terrorists have taken an entire conference of top lawyers hostage. The terrorists say that if their demands are not met, then one by one, one each hour, the lawyers will be released.
William Shakespeare walks into a bar.
"Oy!" says the barman, "get out; you're barred"
Paddy and Murphy are on building site having a dinner break.
Paddy says to Murphy, "Will you look at this state of the art flask the old lady bought me, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, its brilliant".
Murphy asks: "So what have you got in it today Paddy?"
Paddy says: "A tin of soup and two choc ices"
Snow white and the huntsman are walking into the woods. Snow White says, "It's dark, I'm scared."
The huntsman replies, "You're scared? I've got to walk back this way on my own."
Just bumped into a dyslexic Yorkshireman.......he was wearing a cat flap
Bought 12 bottles of Tipp-Ex this morning....
Huge mistake.
Two parrots sitting on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?"
There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.
A White Horse walks into a bar and the barman somewhat excitedly shouts across "Hey, we've got a whisky that's named after you" After a moments puzzled silence the horse replies "Wot . . . Eric ?"
Two babies are in the park and one says to the other, I'm a little baby girl, what are you? And the other baby replies, I'm a little boy baby. So the little girl baby asks, How do you know? So the little boy baby pulls back his blanket and says, look....................blue socks.
I met a girl in a pub last night and we ended up going back to her house.
After a few more drinks, we started kissing and having a bit of foreplay on the sofa.
She looked at me and said, "Let's take this upstairs."
I said, "Okay, you grab one end and I'll grab the other."
f(x) walks into a bar. The barman say 'sorry, we don't do functions'
Q: What the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: A vulture doesn't usually qualify for frequent flyer miles.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a sperm?
A: A sperm has a one in 60 million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How do you tell the difference between a dead lawyer lying in the road and a dead skunk lying in the road?
A: The skunk is the one with the skid marks in front of it.
Q: What do you call 483 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start to the day.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

Ok my 8 yr old told me this today and it cracked me up;
why was the broom late for breakfast?
Because he overswept!
Ok kinda mild but still funny!

I like the kind of jokes that are easy to understand!

An englishman, a scotsman, an irishman, a latvian, a turk, an aussie, a yank,
an egyptian, a jap, a mexican, a spaniard, a greek, a russian, an estonian, a german, 
an italian, a pole, a lithuanian, a swede, a finn, an isreali, a romanian, a bulgarian, a serb, 
a czech, and a swiss went into a pub. The landlord says " I can't let you in without a Thai".
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'.
A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
A lad asked his dad for a pet spider for his birthday, so dad went to the local pet shop and they were Ј70 each ! ! !
No way, his dad said, I can get one cheaper off the web.

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong

That's great Val. Love it!!

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear, he said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
"I have? A suppository?"
He pulled it out and stared at it, then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

Very funny Steve... I bet he had a fissure!!