Jokes

Need some comic relief?? Games and quizzes are here. Want to talk about your pets, your life, etc? This is the place!

Return to Quizzes, Games & Chat



Re: Jokes

Postby Fissulyna » 20 Mar 2009, 13:31

Sorry to disappoint you DB LOL, but first part of your report can be as well written about the USA LOL
Second part could differ in much larger number of accidents and WAYS that people here get injured - so - yeah - Scottish people are rally meek and very well behaved Image
User avatar
Fissulyna
VIP
 
Posts: 3527
Topics: 61
Joined: 27 Oct 2007, 16:00
Location: California
Has thanked: 2 times
Been thanked: 1 time
Gender: Female

Re: Jokes

Postby derryboy » 20 Mar 2009, 15:24

A Wee scottish guy sitting at a bar, a big thug walks in and hits him to the floor and says "thats a karate chop from Korea"
Later the thug walks up to him and hits him again and says "thats a judo chop from Japan"
The wee scottish guy goes out and a few minutes later returns, smacks the thug on the head and knocks him out, with blood splattered everywhere
And says to the barman "when that thug wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from Scotland!!
=================================
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road.
To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here."
derryboy
King Fissure
 
Posts: 754
Topics: 20
Joined: 23 Jan 2009, 17:00
Location: scotland u.k
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 1 time
Gender: None specified

Re: Jokes

Postby derryboy » 20 Mar 2009, 15:57

CHAT UP LINES FOR GUYS LMAO
Hi, I'm not trying to pressure you, I don't want to have sex without mutual consent; and by the way, you have my consent.
If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
Put your crash helmet on, you're going through the head board.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be
you by morning.
Would you like to try an Australian kiss? It is just like a French kiss, but down under...
I would marry your daddy just to get your last name.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
I'm a freelance gynocologist. How long has it been since your last checkup?
I have not had sex in three years. No matter what you did, kiss me all over, dance for me, or wear provocative outfits, I would not give in. Want to test me?
I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.
My mother told me Id never find a girl like you. Can we go tell her she was wrong?
If I had to choose between one night with you or winning the lottery...I would chose winning the lottery...but it would be close...real close...
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight, so you might as well be there
derryboy
King Fissure
 
Posts: 754
Topics: 20
Joined: 23 Jan 2009, 17:00
Location: scotland u.k
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 1 time
Gender: None specified

Re: Jokes

Postby Guest » 25 Mar 2009, 11:00

Love the first one Dazzy ! Image
Guest
 

Re: Jokes

Postby derryboy » 27 Mar 2009, 11:21

Jock was out working the field when a barnstormer landed.
"I'll give you an airplane ride for Ј5," said the pilot.
"Sorry, cannae afford it," replied Jock.
"Tell you what," said the pilot, "I'll give you and your wife a free ride if you promise not to yell. Otherwise it'll be Ј10."
So up they went and the pilot rolled, looped, stalled and did all he could to scare Jock. Nothing worked and the defeated pilot finally landed the plane. Turning around to the rear seat he said, "Gotta hand it to you. For country folk you sure are brave!"
"Aye," said Jock "But ye nearly had me there when the wife fell oot!"
derryboy
King Fissure
 
Posts: 754
Topics: 20
Joined: 23 Jan 2009, 17:00
Location: scotland u.k
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 1 time
Gender: None specified

Re: Jokes

Postby Guest » 28 Mar 2009, 10:25

Image Image
Guest
 

Re: Jokes

Postby Deleted User 5 » 31 Mar 2009, 10:20

What did the anal membrane say to the fissure?
Deleted User 5
 

Re: Jokes

Postby cherylk » 31 Mar 2009, 11:25

I don't know but would like to know!
cherylk
VIP
 
Posts: 5049
Topics: 46
Joined: 22 Apr 2008, 16:00
Location: Midwest
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 10 times
Gender: None specified

Re: Jokes

Postby Deleted User 5 » 31 Mar 2009, 12:11

What did the anal membrane say to the fissure?
"You crack me up!"
Deleted User 5
 

Re: Jokes

Postby cherylk » 31 Mar 2009, 14:12

Yes, I guess that is a good one, Kim, but fissure jokes don't really amuse me very much since I know how painful that terrible affliction can be.
cherylk
VIP
 
Posts: 5049
Topics: 46
Joined: 22 Apr 2008, 16:00
Location: Midwest
Has thanked: 0 time
Been thanked: 10 times
Gender: None specified


Return to Quizzes, Games & Chat



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests