I am using the title of the beautiful spiritual song Down here below by Abbey Lincoln to start this thread.
"For there are wounds and scars to show
Livin' here down here below... ". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYZSCsFbmn4
I wish I was religious, it surely helps to cope easier with challenges.
It is a hard time for me. In addition to growing pain I had a bad encounter with my GP doctor two days ago. She is my personal dr, only for few months now, as in this situation I needed someone to be very near where I live and had to cancel my previous dr due to distance. Soon I started to suspect she is not very good, that she acts impatient, do not listen to patient and I was planing to switch to another dr. as soon as possible. But I was convinced that if I am polite and calm, that nobody can have a reason to act against me and I could not imagine a doctor can be so unethical. I came to get another referral to CRS. She stated that AF is no big deal and it should be gone by now. I was trying to explain my troubles, but she cut my words and stated that I look so poor (in her own words "you are fading before my eyes") because I am not eating properly, am too sensitive, imagining illness, worry to much, so I can not sleep properly and that she will give me some sleeping pills. I wanted to explain that resting and sleeping are for me the only "activities" I enjoy lately and that I have some tranquilizers left that did nothing good to me. I wanted to tell some more about my pain in order to inform her but in vain, she would not listen and she said: " if you do not need pills you are not ill and do not need a referral to CRS" and that I just want connivance !??? She was really mean.
I tried to stay as calm as possible and told directly I am shocked with her behaviour and that her offer was improper and I am obviously forced to find myself another dr.. She agreed it would be better for me to go to another dr next door and said that that other dr. is completely different person as she is.
I was deeply insulted, angry and I felt so hopeless, so I burst in tears on my way out. I could not stand another look at her. I cried all day feeling so helpless. I wish i would not, but in this state I am much more prone to annoyance and it does not help with recovery. I called Patient s rights ombudsman and told about how she wants to trade pills for a referral and how she insulted me with insinuation that I am taking advantage to go to another CRS. Ombudsman - she is a woman - said that something like that should not happen and if I wish to report an offense. But I was so schoked and disappointed that I just did not have strenght to do that right then. And I probably will not because I just not want to deal with that stupid bitch any more, try to forget about it and will concentrate on my recovery.
I went to that another dr. to inform myself, but she is ill herself and will not be present much in the future, so she expressed a concern that I might end with that first one (I say bitch) again when she will be missing. So I went on the bus today to see a lovely doctor that I knew before, to ask him if he could take me, waited for an hour, got a warm welcome, but he is 120% full and looking for retirement soon, so this option is off to.
I came home with more burning and pain than usual, my back hurts along with fissure and I am so exhausted.