jr2, thank you so much for your message. This really is a roller coaster; one minute I'm thinking "I got this" and the next I am crying over poop. I am adding more fats to my diet, which was definitely lacking in that department. I also started miralax last night, and will keep the other information on magnesium handy. And, my mood is a bit better today as well. Your words were helpful and comforting, and I really appreciate them
Yesterday I did not log anything. The BM came in the morning, was difficult to pass, not terribly painful, and incomplete. I had round 2 yesterday evening and it was uncomfortable and the spasms were unpleasant. HOWEVER - I was able to sit in a chair on a heating pad for several hours and spend time with friends and our dogs; I actually cooked dinner without feeling like I was being stabbed in the butt by a hot poker made of glass. These are enormous improvements over the last week, when I wasn't able to sit on my bottom or stand for more than a few minutes at a time without feeling that burning stabbing.
Food yesterday, 12/8/13
Breakfast: oatmeal, with 1 tb almond butter, 1 tb coconut oil, 2 tsp honey; a banana; 2 oz smoked salmon
Lunch: garlic/kale soup; 3/4 cups of brown rice with 1 tsp coconut oil; an apple
Dinner: fish; sweet potato/bell pepper hash; grapes; 1/3 oz goat cheese with blueberries
Yesterday started out bad but ended up pretty good. I had WICKED gas last night. A few times it felt like a family of porcupines was in there setting up the christmas tree and playing pin the tail on the fissure!
Today I woke up anxious because I had to call the CRS and then update people at work. I don't know why I felt so anxious, because everyone is very nice and caring and supportive. I think being the center of attention makes me feel a bit uncomfortable but that is what this situation calls for. Anyway. I talked with Yolanda at the CRS office - same nice lady I talked with last week - and got some more information that is actually very useful and totally alleviated my anxiety.
It turns out that the nifedipine ointment takes 2 weeks to really start doing it's thing! I've been here thinking my ass is super-broken and that I must certainly need surgery, when in reality it's too soon to know if this course of treatment is really going to work. And the fact that I have had some improvement in the 5 days I've been taking it has me convinced that I might not need surgery after all. I actually liked the idea of surgery, simply because I want a quick fix... but as you all know, this is not a condition that comes with a quick fix. Even if I do get surgery I still have to take the time to heal the fissure.
Yolanda also told me that the insurance company would want to see that more conservative options were not working, before they would approve surgery anyway. So. There is that.
Basically what this means is, another 10 days or so of laying on bed, sitting on a heating pad, alternating between drinking water and peeing it out, forcing myself to eat fiber-filled foods, and boring you all with my random thoughts about poop and obsession over fiber. By then maybe I will be feeling better and can go back to work. Or if not then I will know that I need surgery and can pursue that.
I feel so much better having a plan. Something to cling to when the pain is getting too crazy.
Today's BM felt huge, seemed ready to come out, but when I sat down it felt stuck. I had to push a little bit again to make it come out, like yesterday. Pushing didn't hurt, but passing the stool did. After about 3 minutes, it felt like stool was stuck so I gloved up and tried to see if I could pull the stool the rest of the way out. Like a poop midwife. (HA, don't tell my doula friend I said that :) The stool was actually very soft, that "toothpaste" consistency (SCORE!!!) but there was a rather round grain of rice from yesterday's lunch that did not get digested. It still felt like something was there, I don't know. I wish I could look and see. I don't know the terrain back there, maybe there was just a tiny bit stuck on a stalactite. I don't know. I could spend all day analyzing stool, apparently... it took an AF to learn this about myself.
Anyway there were some very uncomfortable spasms later, but they did not last the usual 8 hours. It's 2pm, approximately 5 hours after that BM and I'm sitting up on a heating pad with minimal pain, just some discomfort. Hallelujah!!
I'm so emotional right now. I want to cry over beautiful music, happy memories, random acts of kindness. I think it's relief that I'm not having surgery this week. But I'm also feeling that "edge of reality" feeling that comes with being sick, or when someone dies, or sometimes even just going on vacation. There's not the normal life stuff available to fall back on thinking about, and all kinds of things appear and you just have to deal with them. There's also the knowledge that every day for I-don't-know-how-long, I'm going to spend at least some time in pain - every day. It can't be avoided, and I don't know when it's going to end.
But it's not bad emotions, not all of them. I'm filled with gratitude for the kindness of the strangers I've met along this journey and for the love and comfort of those people who are close to me. There's also pride - that I dealt with the pain for so long, and that I stopped and asked for help, and that I'm actually seeing improvement with my efforts. And, a little bit? - relief. I've been working so hard for the last several years with very little rest or opportunity for true relaxation. Even though I am trapped in my bed for several hours each day, dealing with pain, I feel free. I found myself in the position of having to test the safety nets in my life, and guess what? They work. *Tears* I don't even have a word for this emotion.
Did I mention my period is hovering? It was due last week, but I think the stress of the fissure might have freaked out my body. I have no idea, really. Just a guess.
I had a moment this morning of missing being able to just poop and fart like normal. Sorry, this paragraph is gross, which is why it's at the end of the post. Skip it if you like. But I used to find so much satisfaction in having a good poo. Physically, it made my body feel good. I've always been regular, and would spend as much time as it took on the john to get it all out. Maybe one day I will again be able to enjoy pooping again. I hope!