I thought I was out of the woods but guess not. I saw my CRS recently he told me I have a probably posterior lateral right fissure, basically on outside. He said it is unknown if it is just a basic fissure or due to HIV, HSV, or HPV..I doubt it could be HIV because I have been on meds for years and I am undetectable and doing very well. He told me to use the Lidocaine 5% ointment, and keep using the Nifedipine/Lidocaine gel and skip sitz baths for now, fiber supps, etc..
Last week I had about 4 days pain free, soft stools, and no spotting. But just when i thought I was healing, yesterday I had a still soft stool but pain and spotting again. Same again today. I'm so sick of this. The CRS told me that I should give this 2-3 months before coming back to see him, to see if I heal. But shouldn't the creams have kicked in by now? He told me in my last appointment that surgery isn't a good option now because it could do more harm than good.
He told me that it is not cancer. But of course I am freaking out every time I spot. I wish I was a more religious person at times, maybe I could find some strength in a higher power, but due to me being gay of course I am not welcome in any church. And most of my family have shunned me for my mental issues and for being openly gay. But I am veyr thankful for the one or two people who are still in my life & supporting me.
And I have bipolar disorder and of course this affects me mentally greatly. Sometimes the stress of this is so great that I want to end it all. It's such an embarrassing problem. Not something you can talk to people about without them assuming it's because I am a gay male who has HIV.
I am trying to stay positive and strong, and am very thankful for the good days. I guess things could be much worse. I am just dreading every bowel movement, and praying that there will be no pain or spotting, and that this heals.
I am now going on 2 months since I have had this fissure. I am doing all the right things. The CRS told me since it is in the lateral position surgery is harder, but surely if this doesn't heal that can be done?
My biggest fear is that this is due to my HPV pap smear, but the CRS didn't seem to concerned about that, he in fact didn't even recommend I have another pap for a while.
I'm just wanting this year to hurry up and end. I really need some encouraging words, and to know that there is hope for recovery for me. I just am so scared that I have anal cancer, I hope I don't.