by whoknew » 13 Dec 2013, 12:49
Thanks jr2 and owmybum! It's so helpful to be able to put all of this out there and get feedback, and just to get it out of my head. I'm hoping that one day, I will be able to look back through this diary and "remember when" or that some poor soul will find a shortcut through this process by reading about my trials and errors.
I did try starting miralax 1/2 dosage with lunch and dinner, and I can't decide if I'm having any improvement or not. I'm thinking about adding 1/2 dose to breakfast as well.
Yesterday's BM required a bit of a push to get out, and I could feel the muscles inside working to move it. Maybe my period made the whole situation worse like you mentioned jr2... but yesterday I was just in tears over the pain. The fissure itself and the spasms afterward were bad, and the ointment was not helping them.
And stress. I got a call on Wednesday 12/11 from work, asking for a doctor note saying when I can come back to work. Wednesday was a great day - no BM at all, thanks to the two I did on Tuesday - so I felt overly-confident. Or maybe yesterday's BM stole my confidence. Either way, I agreed to come back to work on Sunday - day after tomorrow - and I'm trying not to be too worried that I might not be able to actually do so.
Anyway, my diary is all out of order today. Wednesday the 11th I called the doctor and had the note faxed to work. Yesterday was Thursday, when I had the horrible BM in the morning. AJ was off work and I tried to fix breakfast... painfail. Cried and tried to not cry. Once I was feeling slightly better, at around 11am, we tried to go to Target but I wasn't able to sit in the car for more than a few blocks... painfail again, had to come back home and wait for more time to pass; didn't get out of the house successfully until about 2pm. Work hours on Sunday are 9am-4pm. I'm really trying to remind myself that every day is different, and that just because Thursday was a bad day does not mean that Sunday will also be a bad day. The mental/emotional component of this can be a real challenge!
And the diet thing. Now that I've identified the types of foods I should avoid (meat, dairy, wheat, tomatoes, eggs, processed foods, sugary foods, fried foods, bakery-type items, coffee, chocolate, spicy foods), what I can't eat too much of (grains, potatoes, other starchy vegetables, almond butter, kale) and found the acceptable foods (fruit without scratchy seeds, vegetables cooked soft, certain vegetables raw and chewed into liquid, lean proteins, oatmeal, quinoa, brown rice, coconut oil, olive oil)...
The next challenge is portion sizes. All year I have been working to fit my meals into a certain template: 1 palm-sized piece of protein, 1 thumb-sized portion of healthy fat, and the rest of the plate filled with vegetables; no snacks, no processed foods, 1-2 fruit per day. As a lifelong sugar-junkie, this template really worked for me. After a few weeks, cravings for sugar went away; BM were always regular (1-2 times a day, usually in the morning and either after breakfast or after lunch) and I had no digestion issues. I think part of the reason I've been having so many difficult BM is that I'm eating too much. There is just too much bulk. I'm not sure yet if this means that I need to eat more frequent, smaller meals throughout the day or if I should just stick with the 3 meals, just make them smaller. I'm concerned about not getting enough fuel - I have a large body, and especially once I'm back at work I will need energy to get through the day and to heal properly - but I'm more concerned about constantly being in agony from giant BM.
Yesterday's horrible morning experience made me want to just eat nothing, but I also wanted to take some Aleve for the pain. I ended up eating an apple with no skin and about 2 oz. smoked salmon for breakfast. I wasn't hungry until after we came back from Target at 3pm. I still wasn't THAT hungry, and just had an apple with no skin, a bit of almond butter, and a bit of roast chicken for lunch. Dinner was salmon, brown rice, green pepper, mushroom, and a bit of dried apricot, and a few dried cherries. I was hungry an hour after dinner - probably because of my skimpy early meals - and had a banana with a mix of almond butter and coconut oil.
This morning's BM was actually quite easy - almost no pushing, and it was small, formed, but definitely super-soft. It's been about 4 hours and I feel like there might be a bit more in there wanting to come out, but I don't want to push at all. Maybe after lunch it will happen. Who knows. The important thing is that I have very little pain from spasms after the BM so that I can sit and walk around at work, and to not irritate the fissure itself.
At Target I bought a blender, and I'm going to try making mixed fruit/veg smoothies for lunch today and tomorrow, and see if that helps with regularity/bulkiness of stools/stool consistency. Normally I would never consider a smoothie to be a meal, but it might help? I have no idea, but I can't just eat an apple with no skin, and a bit of protein for breakfast and lunch every day, even if it creates tiny, unoffensive BM.
This morning's breakfast was oatmeal with coconut oil, almond butter, honey, and dried apricots in it. I'll do a smoothie for lunch, with a bit of salmon on the side, and then probably roasted chicken and some squash for dinner. I'm also planning to roast another chicken today, and to make some healing chicken-garlic-ginger broth with the bones. Not for the sitz bath, for eating!
In my life pre-AF, I really enjoyed spending hours in the kitchen, going outside for walks in nature and playing in the woods, spending time with my friends in settings other than my living room or bedroom, and believe it or not, I enjoy my job as well. Part of me wants to stay in my little cocoon until the fissure is totally healed, so I can just jump right back into life. I realize that is not an option, due to the nature of the fissure, and to the fact that there is a limit to the amount of time I can take off work before they'll give my job to someone else. I read the emails from work and I feel so disconnected already, and it hasn't been even two full weeks yet. To say "I don't feel like myself" would be accurate, though a bit of an understatement, but at the same time, this experience has revealed an adaptability that I haven't had to access in a while. It's comforting to know that I can do this, even though I would obviously rather not have to.
I hope everyone's day is good, free from cactus-like BM and horrible spasms. The light through the window tells me it's a sunny day, so maybe a walk around the neighborhood would be fun later.