In May 2015 I developed an anal fissure because of constipation and very large stools, the reason i became constipated was because i had to up my anti-depressants. I remember first seeing all the bright red blood in the toilet bowl and being very scared. It was ironic because i had just become happy again and life gave me another thing to worry about, and i've come to find that this is a recurring element in my life; i overcome an obstacle only to have another replace it within months.
After a month of processing it internally i decided i needed to see a doctor, because i obviously assumed it was cancer. Unfortunately i never got the courage to make the appointment, and my biggest regret is not seeing a doctor in the early stages. The stress from the fissure caused me to repress its existence, i simply couldn't handle it at that time. And since i have social anxiety seeing a doctor was terrifying, i couldn't imagine anything more embarrassing.
From June to August the fissure was recurring, I started using Osmolax intended for my little sister (in secret) around August and it helped a lot. But I could only use it when i was at my mums house (i'm 18), so when i was at my dads house i had nothing to soften my stool which resulted in the fissure re-opening. And at times when the osmolax was all used and my mum hadn't gotten more i became very constipated and the fissure became a lot worse. Mind you, during this period i was in denial and repressed the situation until a BM was close, and by that point i began to internally freak out and become scared which in turn caused my sphincter to tighten from fear and made things worse. Something that is important to know is that repressing things has been a coping mechanism for me since i was quite young, and i'm really good at it. In fact i've repressed entire memories for years, just that year i discovered i had been mildly molested at 9 and the trauma caused me to forget the entire ordeal for over 7 years.
In October I decided to take things seriously and try to cure it myself (at this time i didn't know why i was so constipated). I researched heaps and concluded it was a fissure, then decided i needed to add more fiber. So i bought plain psyllium husk (much cheaper than metamucil) and it worked, but the thing was every time i skipped a day or forgot i would be basically back to square one. And since my life was pretty much chaos i wasn't religious about stool softening. And every time i became too comfortable or slipped up the cycle began again.
So from October to around February 2016 i was using psyllium and osmolax. In that time the fissure had healed and come back a few times because i was slacking with the psyllium at my dads house and sometimes i forgot to use it immediately after a meal which pretty much made it useless. I became tired of psyllium and the horrible taste and decided to buy benefiber which is an over the counter stool softener using wheat dextrose or something. Now buying this took a lot of courage because of my social anxiety. And the first time i bought it i used a self checkout but a worker looking over the checkouts saw the container and i saw the judgement in her eyes. That was what i feared, embarrassment.
The benefiber worked well for the 2 months that it lasted. But when I had none left at the start of May 2016 there was also no osmolax, which just left me with the psyllium. May and June were horrible, the fissure came back full force and i had no money to buy new stool softeners of any type (I'm poor). It marked the one year anniversary of my fissure and it was worse than ever, which made me suppress its existence even more! I couldn't handle it, and seeing a doctor at this point was terrifying. I was embarrassed and ashamed i had let it go this far; but little did i know it was nowhere near over.
I got more benefiber, but July and August were alright, the fissure did get a bit better. My life was crumbling around me. Home life was bad since my mum is abusive, and i was failing school from all the stress. I was still in denial, i didn't know what to do so i just block it from my mind. My depression caused me to isolate myself and think about suicide, this fissure and myself had fucked everything. But i'd been through darker days and had to keep going. The stress i was under put my digestive system into turmoil, and my sphincter spasmed at the thought of a BM. One time i literally felt the fissure tear right after thinking "how am i going to survive this". From September to October things were horrible, probably the worst they had ever been. I was very constipated and my stools were massive in size. I felt hopeless, what was the point of going to a doctor now? The damage had been done.
Right at the end of October I finally had time to actually sit down and process what i had to do. Accepting the reality was really hard and i almost had an anxiety attack from it. But i had no choice, BMs where torture, the most pain i had ever felt in my life, passing a stool took 20 minutes of agony. I made an appointment to see a nice looking doctor, and on the day i almost didn't go, but i forced myself to do it. The appointment was light years away from what i expected, the doctor was extremely welcoming and made me feel comfortable. I never thought talking about an anal fissure would seem so normal. And the examination of my anus wasn't even bad, i just wish i went earlier. The doctor prescribed me nitroglycerin ointment and told me to use it 3 times a day as well as use stool softeners. I bought full on laxatives (which i haven't used before) when i got the ointment at the chemist which was an extremely awkward 10 minutes but i got through it.
I began using the laxatives and ointment at the start of November and after a week things were stable. I wasn't constipated and the ointment was relaxing my sphincter; allowing the fissure begin healing. I also became vegetarian around 9 November because meat was a part of the problem. I kept the routine up until the end of November and things were great i felt that the fissure had fully healed and i wasn't in pain. I was using laxatives the whole time to make sure the fissure healed, which i may come to regret idk. Then a week into December i let my guard down and somehow became a bit constipated and hadn't applied the ointment in 2 days. The fissure came back. Not severely but either way its back. I didn't think it would happen, i did everything i could, i went vegetarian for christ’s sake!
Now a week later i feel defeated. My last BM was huge and painful, i shouldn't be dealing with this at 18!!! I've began using the ointment again and using benefiber, i don't want laxative dependence. I have an appointment with the doctor in a week and i know she's going to tell me i need sphincterotomy, but i'm scared. I don't want surgery, especially if there's a chance of incontinence. Knowing my life i'll probably become incontinent and honestly i don't know how ill recover if it happens. I haven't even lived yet.
If anyone even reads this please leave me some support or something i'm so alone in this struggle, i cant even talk to my parents about it.