Well, my husband said to me tonight, that he feels 90% of our conversations revolve around my health (not just butt issues, I've had lots of problems ever since we moved here 10 years ago). Actually, I would have to say that 90% of our conversations actually revolve around what to have for dinner, what activities the kids have after school, and how work is going for him.
Anyway, I'm nervous about my upcoming surgery, because who wouldn't be? And not many people in my life know about it, so why shouldn't I be able to state my feelings to my husband and expect support? I have NEVER told him any of the gory details, I only vent those kinds of things on this forum. I hold so much back from him that I thought there was no way I could possibly be talking about it too much. But he says he doesn't want to hear it, he'd rather just talk about 'other things'. I feel like a popped balloon. There's nothing he could ever say to erase how much he hurt me with that. Now I really have no one to talk to, I'll just have to vent my feelings here and otherwise just be stoic and get on with it. I know other board members have had issues with friends who didn't want to hear about AF problems, but jeez, I have been in a relationship with my husband for almost 16 years now. We met on my 18th birthday.
Anyway, I know it's annoying when all someone talks about is aches and pains and body parts, but I swear I don't do that. Seriously, all we talked about today regarding the surgery was planning for how we'll manage with the kids that day...my aunt is going to come and accompany me to the hospital, so he won't even have to deal with that, he'll just be home with the youngest and pick up the older two kids after school that day. But this evening I mentioned my stomach hurting, and I said I know I have lots of ailments and I'm sorry...and that's when he basically told me to stuff it.
I don't know what his problem is, but I'd never tell anyone that I was tired of hearing about their problems, even if I WAS tired of hearing about their problems! Chronic health problems just wear on you so much, but it's not like I'm lying in a recliner wrapped in an afghan and dying! I'm fighting back!
I'm angry and sad at the same time and PMS isn't helping...

I'm sorry Alpine that your hubby didn't give you the emotional support you needed yesterday.
To me, my first thought is that there is maybe some "typical male" (sorry for the stereotype men!) reaction going on. Such as, his way of dealing with a problem may be to just buck up and deal with it like a "man"... and your health problems may hit a bit too close for comfort with him. They might just be shaking his foundation, and he reacts by putting on emotional armor. These health problems and surgery cause us not to be in full control... since it's our ass, we know that we aren't fully in control (even though we try). But for someone else whose life is indirectly affected, they're going to have a different experience. Maybe he thinks that by not hearing about it, he can kind of control the situation, and by controlling it, have a "normal" life.
What to do about it?? I don't think it's going to be good for you to keep it inside - you will resent that. But maybe you have to figure out what to say. Maybe you have to do it in such a way that he feels needed and gives him some sense of control - such as "I am scared to have this surgery. I know it's tough on you too. We'll get through this together." Then you can always add those things that you need from him, but preferably things that are good for you and easy for him to do - like just hug you.
I don't know, since I'm not sure of your situation, but from afar, that's my two cents!
My husband has a chronic health condition, and I've had to learn how to deal with this myself. One of the tenets of "caregivers" is to make sure to take care of yourself first - with the idea that if you are healthy and happy, you can take better care of the person who really needs your help. I know we need to focus on you here, because you need care and love and support!, but maybe your hubby is running on empty too? If you can encourage him to do something he likes to do, that will fill his own gas tank, then he might have more energy and ability to take care of you!
Just some thoughts.
In the mean time - whine away here!

Thanks Bumbutt, I shall continue to whine away here...since I have NO ONE else to whine to! And if anyone here is annoyed by it, stop reading.
As for him 'running on empty' I don't think so. The kids and I do a great job of keeping the house running smoothly, so that all he has to do is come home, eat dinner, and enjoy himself. He has plenty of hobbies, including brewing award-winning beer, metalworking, and restoring a car out in the garage. He even spent at least an hour out there last night working on who knows what.
I think his 'bad mood' comes from the fact that at work right now, there are two available new internal positions, new opportunities for him, and he needs to decide which he wants to do. He writes software for a big appliance manufacturer. The position he's in now is well-paid but not very demanding; he can come and go as he pleases and work from home occasionally when he feels like it.
On the one hand, there are people who would kill to have a job like that...but he needs a more exciting position. I think the decision is hard for him, I know him well enough to know that that's why he's acting like a jerk. I also know him well enough to know that he has no idea why he's acting like a jerk. He just takes things out on me sometimes without knowing why he's doing it.
He really blew it this time though, he chose the wrong thing to say at the wrong time. It's hardly the end of our relationship, but it definitely changes things. I won't be able to forgive him for this easily. I got harsh words when all I wanted was a damn hug.
He definitely doesn't understand fissures (only you guys do!). I think he blames me for not getting the problem 'fixed' as soon as it first occurred. I'm not even sure it was caused by a tight sphincter in the first place, since it was brought on by childbirth. And it healed so well for so long that it wasn't even an issue, like I said, for about four years. I think the tight sphincter only came along later, as more of a reaction to the fissure than the cause of it. So what I'm saying is...five years ago when this first happened, I don't think there would have been anything for a surgeon to cut!
That's the way of it with fissures anyhow...you try to heal them conservatively and hope for the best...and when they won't go away, surgery is your last resort. Sometimes it takes months to get to that point, and sometimes it takes years and years.
Well I'm still furious. I won't be here when he comes home for lunch...I 'suddenly' remembered that our library books are due today.

OMG! I thought I was alone there too! My husband also blames me for not taking care of things sooner- like I had the control or something! He also makes it clear he thinks I'm "playing it up" to avoid housework! This hurts, alot, because I spend every possible minute, in between managing my pain, trying to accomplish normal everyday things like taking care of the kids, cleaning the house and making sure supper is on the table every night, etc... Sometimes it feels like I make this effort for nothing. Two months ago I made him read some posts on the anal fissure self help page... After that I got support and understanding for about a week now we r back to him blaming me. He says I don't care about anything but myself, which is true in a way, all I can think about is my sore bum! But I do care and I still take very good care of him and my kids I just don't get to enjoy them like I used to. I get more understanding from my two year old who thinks I have a really bad diaper rash and she knows about that! Sorry, I know I'm not offering a solution but I've been looking for a thread like this because this is a big cause of my extra stress! I told my husband (mean, I know) that I hope he gets a fissure so he'll know I'm not lying! I'm sure glad I found u people it makes me feel so much better to talk to people who GET IT! Thank you, thank you, thank you...just for being here!

It's so unfair! I'm, well I'm not happy someone else is in the same boat, but...it helps to talk to someone who is. I don't know if there is a real solution, other than just weathering the storm.
He did admit to me today that his work stress is playing a role, but he doesn't want to talk about it so I can't know what's really going on. Fine. He had the nerve to tell me that my problems were 'affecting the whole family, whether I knew it or not.' No sh#@!
We women are pretty attuned to that sort of thing. What I really think he meant to say was, my problems are inconveniencing him and he wishes they didn't exist. Our five year old is just so intuitive...she knows I'm upset because of him and it's affecting her relationship with him. I feel so bad, I would never try to set the children against him or get them to take sides. I never had a father growing up and I think it's fantastic that they do. All the same, she feels closer to me than to him.
One thing I am wondering, is maybe I may have upset him by asking my aunt to come. I really had no choice, we just have to have some extra help because the hospital is an hour away, and I'm not pulling the kids out of school for that whole day just because of my surgery. Maybe he's more worried about me than I think, and I've made him feel cut off by having my aunt come to the hospital with me instead of him. Whereas I view it as sparing him the inconvenience of sitting there all day. It's hard to say because we communicate differently. He won't talk about his feelings, yet all I WILL talk about is my feelings.
It is bad to go down that road of revengeful thinking...maybe he'll have a health problem one day and who knows how I'll handle it. Well, one thing's for certain, he knows how to pamper himself. I can't just fall into bed when I feel awful, I have too many others to care for and I can't just neglect them.

This is true it's not the same for the mom. I've asked my husband if he thinks I'm getting out of housework by not being able to eat most of what I cook, don't eat out or even visit friends anymore. No family outings or vacations, no skidooing or gardening, which I love and is also how I make extra money, no movie theaters or plays, concerts, things we used to do....luckily my kids don't miss out too much because he does all these things with them, but that basically makes me the parent who is no fun yet constantly nagging. I know I'm not usually in the best moods anymore but I try not to let it affect them so much. My 2,8 yr olds r great and understanding. My husband and teen actually think I'm lazy!
I can't wait for us to just go back to normal.

Oh Alpine, I know how you feel! Men can be bad communicators in general. My husband is pretty supportive, but he has his moments too. Whenever he seems to be losing empathy I firmly remind him that I don't want to be this way and it is his sperm that caused ALL of my current health problems! It just isn't fair is it? It is hard for me to watch him go fishing, hang out with his friends, etc., when I've had to stop doing everything that I love because of my current problems that seem to be never ending. Every time I get jealous or even angry that I'm suffering for the birth of our son, I just look at my angel and think I'm glad he's here and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Be patient, this surgery will make you better and it is right around the corner! In the meantime, don't put up with your husband being selfish. Remind him that you want to be healthy and this is not your fault! Hang in there!

We could come with our baseball bats too...
I'm sorry he's not being supportive of you Alpine. I really hope that you can not let this interfere too much with what you need to do to take care of yourself. It's not easy being put into this situation with a debilitating problem (both physically and emotionally), a surgery, and taking care of children. It's really tough for you, and I bet you do a great job of it!

Well, my husband has been pretty supportive up until now. I've always kept the conversation as light as possible, and there's only been maybe 3 times when I've had a breakdown in front of him through the whole ordeal. Like I said, I've held so many of the details back, he doesn't even know the half of it. That's why this is so painful for me, I feel so betrayed.
I can't forgive him. I can't talk to him or even look at him right now. It's not the kind of silent treatment where you're trying to punish someone by not talking to them...it's just I feel so crushed that I have nothing more to say to him. And yes, I've reminded him that he's the cause of this, although I'm sure he doesn't like to hear that.
And I've manage to slightly reinjure myself so I'm in pain too. I'm so worried about the surgery just not having a perfect outcome, or having an up and down process of healing afterwards. I'm sure he just thinks it will be an insta-cure. I know I shouldn't worry about that now...I'll just deal with those things as they happen...alone, on my own, without 'burdening' him.

Alpine,
Your husband should consider himself lucky if you've only broke down in front of him a couple of times! I can't say the same for mine, lol. A couple of times a week maybe! My two cents is that you should try to talk to him about your feelings rather than bottling it up inside. Perhaps you could use "I messages" and calmly tell him how he makes you feel? Ie: I felt _____________ when you said ___________________. It really made me __________. Do you think next time we could _________________ instead? Something like that. I find "I messages" really work because they don't blame the partner as much but you still get your point accross effectively without inticing a screaming match as it is more focussed on feelings rather than accusations. You need to be calm though for this conversation. Hope you feel better soon!
P.S. I think you are stressing out about the surgery too much (I'm not one to talk either), but think of all the people on here who do not sh@# thier pants. You have a 90% chance of never needing another surgery. The odds are in your favor.