Hey sadpooper! Please feel free to rant away! Many of us have gone through the same experience! Shoving all kinds of stuff up our butts and using the wrong kind of creams!
I'm not a doctor, but I would say DO NOT use the hemorrhoid creams - those have made things much worse for many of us. They can make the tissue more prone to tearing.
I also disagree with your pharmacist - many of us here have tried colace and miralax and there is a general preference for miralax. Of course, each individual is different, but you can't know what works best for you until you try it. I've also read mixed reviews about the Wheatgrass. If you haven't already, I really think you should see a colorectal surgeon asap. That's the person who will give you the proper meds for healing a fissure, like nitro or diltiazem. Many of us wasted a lot of time with GPs and OTC or online remedies that either made things worse or were only partial and temporary fixes.
Good luck! :D