owmybum...
gosh, we can all relate so well to these meltdown times. I'm so sorry that something so fun as holiday has become so stressful for you. Because stress affects any physical ailment, fissures included, it's really important to find ways to relieve it. Things that bring me back to the present moment and out of my thoughts and fears are really helpful. For everyone it is different, but music, reading, watching a favorite movie, deep breathing, and even just being able to vent your fears and get them out can also help relieve them. We all go through periods of being down, so don't add to your stress by beating yourself up too. You are doing the best you can during a really painful time. When the panic thoughts arise, try to catch yourself and turn it around into a non panic thought. So hard to do, I know. But I find that the worst thing I can do is chase those thoughts and let them lead me where they want me to go.
Vent all you need to vent. We're here and we understand what you're going through. No apologies needed.