I feel so blessed and fortunate to have come upon this forum. Finally, I don't feel so alone. I am a very private and modest person. I believe I gave myself internal hemmies and now an AF due to my extreme bathroom phobias throughout my life. The only time I would "go" would be in the comfort of my own home. I would strain and push and will myself to have a BM just so that I could go on with my day with the comfort of knowing I would not have to go in public. I had no idea the damage I was doing to myself.
I'm a 46 year old female. About 4 or 5 years ago, I believe I had my first AF. I had no idea at the time what it was. I recall an initial discomfort during a BM, followed by 4-5 hours of pain that would eventually go away. This went on for a couple of months and was "manageable". Since then, I have had what I believe to be an internal hemorrhoid that protrudes after each BM and needs to be popped back in. I've done this reluctantly now for years, but once back inside, it hasn't bothered me.
About 3 months ago, I must have strained too hard during a BM and really injured myself. I never thought of myself as being constipated. I go every morning around the same time, with little effort, although I do need to push. I've never been one to have it just drop out of me. My stool is very soft, but almost always mushy. I'm usually anywhere from a 4-6, never have diarrhea. I have a healthy diet and I exercise 3-4 times a week. This hasn't always been the case. I've recently over the last 8 months, lost nearly 50 pounds. The irony is that this has happened to me after switching to a much healthier lifestyle. I'm finally comfortable and feeling good in my new body, but I can't go out and enjoy it due to this debilitating pain.
Finally, I new that whatever was going on down there wasn't getting better so I finally made an appointment to see my GP. I had put it off out of embarrassment. That's how ridiculous I am about these very private matters. I didn't even want my own doctor to know. I had finally told my mom and she pretty much forced me to make the appointment. The reason for putting it off was the fear of what the exam would entail. Fortunately, she only looked at the outside of it and made the diagnosis based on my symptoms. She also consulted with the GI surgeon prior to providing any kind of treatment. I've been on 0.2% nitro for two weeks now. She told me I most likely wouldn't feel better for at least 2 weeks, possibly 6. She said we'd meet again after 6 weeks to see where things stand. If I'm not better, the next plan would be the Botox injection. Everything else I was already doing....baths, fiber, stool softeners, heating pad, Advil was right and that I should continue with that. I have to say, I was better after only a couple of days on the Nitro, however, I have had a setback that has kept me home from work now for 3 days and in a world of hurt. This is how I found you.
The most important thing I've learned from being here is to NOT PUSH. This morning I sat on the toilet, with my feet on a stool and my back resting against the back of the toilet tank. I closed my eyes, breathed gently and just let it slide out. For the first time I think in my entire life, I did not push. And, I did not have that protruding hemmie to push back up and further aggravate the fissure. I still hurt afterwards, but I feel like this was somewhat of a breakthrough for me. The problem is that I don't see how I can do this on a daily basis since I have to wait until that urge hits. I have a job to get to every day. How does one deal with this with work? I work in an office at a desk all day. I've been calling in sick this week, but I can't keep this up. My life doesn't work if it has to be dictated by when my BM comes each day. What do I tell my co-workers? This issue is giving me as much anxiety as my morning poop.
I have more, but this post has already gotten too long. Thank you in advance. You all have already been more helpful than any doctor could be.