Hi Everyone...
I think our predictions have come true. I've been experiencing a really weird itch with diltiazem that I didn't get last time. If the diltiazem SOLELY goes inside, it's fine and it decreases my pain... But it's nearly impossible for no residue to be left outside - whether I use my finger tip, a syringe, or a q-tip! I have two skin tags right on the opening and they just love pissing me off. I think I need to stop using diltiazem....... It sucks because it made things so much better down there initially, looked like things were healing, it was easier to have BMs and it felt like my anal muscles were so relaxed. I have nothing else I can use - Nitro caused headaches. And I seriously can not remember EVER feeling this depressed about my fissure. I just broke down in front of my mother and said I really don't know what to do now. Surgery is still in March and maybe botox is my only option (God knows when I'll even get an appointment for that)... I don't know if it's the moisture or what, I felt a bit of an itch closer to the front of my fissure (closer to the vagina) as well, sort of like with a rash. I just started diltiazem, don't want to stop but I think I have to
Drinking freshly made juice helped me stay regular, but lately we've been making these green smoothie concoctions and I had some today (a lot of spinach and some fruit). In the morning, I had a painful BM with a bit of pink spotting. It didn't scare me because for me, dark red spotting means trouble, pink means irritation. I had a green smoothie during the day and later, I had an extremely painful BM, with no blood though at ALL
, just greenish coloured, painful poop! I HATE THIS thing it's just so confusing. I'm increasing my Miralax dose and trying to go across the border to the US on Sunday to get more.
What's worse is the applications for my graduate school are all due on Monday and I've been up until 4 or 5 or 6 am every night for the past week (in lieu of my stressful job, although it's only 4 hours a day so not too bad). Even if I get botox immediately, I have a big exam in two weeks and it'll be so hard to balance it out (unless botox doesn't hurt or irritate at all)... I literally almost have tears in my eyes and have never felt soo frustrated with this! I've always had hope that I would heal and I still do, but I don't know why it's taking so long... It's been two years with two fissures (at least) and two skin tags and I haven't drank milk or eaten spices or done anything I want to do... But it's still a pain in the butt! I really don't know what to do and just reaaaaally needed to let this out to any person that would understand.