it'S like a catch 22 though, trying to find balance when you hurt. If I knew it was healing I would be able to turn my mind to other things and get on with life. Trying to find balance while suffering seems an unattainable goal.
But what can you do?
Can't stretch or do yoga without pulling it the wrong way. Even walking has kinda sucked the last couple days. I swear the nifedipine is amplifying my anxiety. The only option I have is some kinda mind over matter meditation.
I am beginning to hate doctors. In fact if I ever meet a doctor I like, I will probably die of shock.
-Tanya

Pema is another favorite of mine. Currently re reading When Things Fall Apart...
Balance ... It's tough for anyone, much less for someone suffering with a painful, debilitating, chronic physical ailment. But there are ways to practice, even when at our worst. Those small moments in a day when we noticed a bird outside , really noticed it, and for a second or two we weren't thinking about the fissure... Or the practice of mindful breathing, and continually returning awareness back to the breath when fissure thoughts come to take us away again.
The Buddha taught about two arrows. The first arrow is the pain of the fissure... The second arrow is the way we ourselves drive arrows back into the fissure, by chasing after the scary thoughts and letting them take us to dark places of utter despair and hopelessness.
We work on the first arrow by making healthy choices for our bodies in what we eat, our sleeping habits, et.
But This second arrow is one that challenges me the most and am continually working on, no matter how many times I fail and end up crumpled in the tub in despair.

I like that idea about two arrows. I will try to remind myself of it daily.
I've been kinda wallowing for a couple days now.
Thanks jr,
p.s. i sent you a couple documents to your yahoo email.
hope that's ok?
-Tanya

Jr, thanks for the way you presented that insight. I do believe that the greatest stumbling block to that second arrow is the conditioning we receive daily regarding our consummerist society, and how we must look just so, behave like this, and do the work of four people or risk losing our slot in the corporate machine that could be whisked away next month anyway due to a bad financial report.
One of the other great teachers that I look to is that young carpenter guy from ancient Nazareth. He didn't tell his followerrs to accumulate a Lexus, a gorgeous home, five flat screen HD TVs and all the other modern hip accessories of life, and there was a reason for that.
We've talked about stress as a possible major factor with fissures. That is what the other arrow is. Am I going to be included in that next round of layoffs? Am I maxxed out on my credit? How am I gonna cover the kid's braces and college tuition? Any of this sound familiar?
Of course, once the fissure enters our lives, everything else just goes upside down. Tanya mentioned her fear of maybe not being able to ride a bike again. I don't know if I'll ever be able to drive again, and cars have been a part of my life since I was a kid. I played with toys, watched my dad work on and race his, and went on to do the same myself as I grew older. It was my first real professional occupation, and now, because the doctors can't find or straighten out what's happening in my head, I may never sit behind the wheel again.
Over the years, I've done enough things to harm my body. Today, I am working overtime to correct that first arrow. But yes, it is that second arrow, especially after it has been complicated by being shooved up your backside.
Thanks to the local anesthetics and the spinal block applied yesterday due to my herniated disc, I was in glorious land of the pain free. Today, I am reminded again of reality. I sit here now, spasms going like crazy.

Tanya...thanks! I'll check my email...
Rasmith... Yes, you describe so well that second arrow, so many thoughts, frightening thoughts, dark thoughts, thoughts of the future and fears that things will never get better... The greatest challenge to our practice is to stay grounded in this moment... This one... But instead what we do is carry the heavier back breaking burden of what is to come and all the baggage that comes ith it. Wisdom teachers like Jesus and Buddha gave many teachings on these topics, as do teachers nowadays... Still, it's important too for all of us to recognize those moments when we have managed to stay present, be mindful of them, and continue to practice over and over and over so that those moments will dilate into more moments. I spent many many hours today crying, making my own pain far worse as a result and completely exhausting myself... But, I am remembering a moment or two of mindfulness, even today, even on one of my worst fissure days ever... It may hav only been a moment in a whole day... But it was a moment... Hopefully I can keep building on that and pick myself up yet again.
I hope the spasms are easing for you now, and that you are having a glimpse of peace and rest.

Thanks jr2. I find myself between pacing like a caged cat, trying to find a comfortable position in which either to sit or lie down, and being introspective, try to center and ground myself.
Thankfully, my spasms are just now starting to calm down, almost five hours later.
Take care.

I hear you... With all of my health problems taken together I've probably paced enough miles to have walked to the moon and back.
But even that, if you think about it, is itself a kind of mindful meditation... Naturally feeling the desire to walk in an attempt to calm mind and body.. Even during the worst of times we all still have that natural inner wisdom that guides us, even when we are out of our mind with pain.
I'm so glad the spasms finally eased for you...
I'm trying right now to refocus myself from crying, even though the pain is beyond excruciating... Maybe I'll succeed, maybe not, but the only choice is to just keep trying and do the best we can do...
wishing for you as comfortable a day as possible...

Aw jr,
I'm so sorry you had such an awful day yesterday. I hope today is better for you!
I usually find a good cry cathartic...
funny you used the word dilate :roll:
I was reading about a pelvic floor stretch that sounds interesting but I don't want to try it yet if ever after the last stretches...
If you have a tight pelvic floor and can't afford PT, sit on a tennis ball with the ball resting under your perineum and the floor or a similar firm surface.
http://www.massagetoday.com/mpacms/mt/article.php?id=13515
anyways, just tossing that idea out there for the future.
-Tanya

hee ... I have dilation on the brain, huh?
Relax and dilate.
That's our mantra!
I've heard of the tennis ball exercise and yikes does that sound ever so painful right now... The entire anterior side of me right now feels like one giant wound...
Perineal massage though I do find comforting, as long as I stay far enough away from the back.

I will give it a try...with the tennis ball. Thank you for the interesting article !
As I am having problems with my pelvic floor I am doing PT as well and my therapist also recommended this exercise as I am having always a tight perineum that makes it difficult to have BM...