Since Monday, my days have been filled with tears and disappointment. Today is no better. I'm defeated and wallowing in self pity. I have no one to lean on at this point, even the boards are starting to wane with me. I feel like a looser in life. I'm too afraid to use this Rectiv because thus far, failure has engulfed my life and this will only seal the last hope and I'm terrified of that. I don't know why or how this all happened this year. One day, I'm toasting and partying and ringing in the near year, the next I'm a beaten human being who can't stop crying from the pain. I keep asking myself, God why me? I would rather go through anything than have to suffer through this day in and day out until...?????? My health is bad because my immune system is shot to hell, I feel faint all the time, I feel week. My blood pressure has dropped to the point where I had to stop taking my meds. God only knows how bad the ibruprofen has damaged my insides and the stomach. I drink water to the point of nausia. I go to sleep in tears, I wake up in tears....this thing is ruining my life and in less that 2 days, its back to work and the stress that carries. I hoped this vacation would somehow bring down the stress, and yet its only intensified it.
One lowsy doctors visit and now I'm torn apart. I wish this guy knew how vulnereble and needy I was that day and how much ease he could have given me, had he only cared just a little bit to listen to me, just 5 minutes was all I needed, just 5.
I'm just venting...no need to respond.....just someone feeling hopeless and sorry for herself.
I would give my right arm, just to be happy again.

GGky1959
I'll respond anyway.
If only to say to you that I read your post and I know there is nothing anyone can type out on a screen to bring you relief from the pain. But I do know what you're feeling. I have severe multiple health problems including multiple fissures that I have had for over a year and a half and the doctors, specialists, have all told me there isn't anything else they can do for me so I'm left to just live with it. I only tell you this so that you know it s actually possible, no matter how low on the ground you feel right now, no matter how far your face feels smashed into the dirt, it's possible to keep going. In all statistical likelihood you will heal from this. For the vast majority of people there IS healing. The hard part is always getting through today... Today when it hurts so much and you're so worn out and you just want to feel good again. It's impossible to imagine a day in some unknown future when this will be a memory and you will have come through it a stronger, more understanding and compassionate person for having gone through it.
If I can just add... asking "why me" will only serve to drive you deeper into the darkness. The fact is, it happened. It happens to a lot of people. Sometimes bottoms get fissures. It sucks. But it is what it is.
We all have had bad experiences with doctors so we know how you feel. You just have to cross it off and move forward to what's next.

jr2 wrote:GGky1959
I'll respond anyway.
If only to say to you that I read your post and I know there is nothing anyone can type out on a screen to bring you relief from the pain. But I do know what you're feeling. I have severe multiple health problems including multiple fissures that I have had for over a year and a half and the doctors, specialists, have all told me there isn't anything else they can do for me so I'm left to just live with it. I only tell you this so that you know it s actually possible, no matter how low on the ground you feel right now, no matter how far your face feels smashed into the dirt, it's possible to keep going. In all statistical likelihood you will heal from this. For the vast majority of people there IS healing. The hard part is always getting through today... Today when it hurts so much and you're so worn out and you just want to feel good again. It's impossible to imagine a day in some unknown future when this will be a memory and you will have come through it a stronger, more understanding and compassionate person for having gone through it.
If I can just add... asking "why me" will only serve to drive you deeper into the darkness. The fact is, it happened. It happens to a lot of people. Sometimes bottoms get fissures. It sucks. But it is what it is.
We all have had bad experiences with doctors so we know how you feel. You just have to cross it off and move forward to what's next.

Thank you....I want to move on. I want to be able if I have to to live with this....I just need a time to feel happy too. This thing has consumed all my joy, my laughter, everything. I know at some point, its gonna get better, it has to, but until then, having no control over your body is just hard....and to be in constant pain, day in and day out, my God, its just too much. I have this cream that could possibly bring relief and I'm too afraid to use it. Can you believe it? In my bathroom is a Tube of Nitro and I'm terrified to use it, because I'm afraid it may not work...that's how low I've become.....that's how beaten I've become, that's how sick I've become.....I could kill myself for being so damned afraid.

It is totally understandable actually that you haven't used the nitro. yet. It's because you want to hold on to hope. You're just holding on to hope so tightly with your fear you aren't giving it the space it needs to help you. You only believe you are beaten. You aren't. You are still here, still engaging, still wanting to live your life fully, still holding on to the hope in the tube. It's ok to fall down, and to fall down repeatedly.
just loosen your grip a little bit and trust ... that's all it takes. Because really, hope isn't entirely locked up in that one tube of cream. It will help or it won't. But it isn't the end of hope if it doesn't.

Please use the Nitro... took 1 week before it had a really noticeable effect on me so don't give up on it either.
I'm pain free. Will be 4 weeks since the tear next Tuesday.

You need the nitro! It might work slowly, but that's better than not healing at all.im still waiting to see crs. I can't wait to get me some nitro!

I know GG, as I type this the tears are streaming down my face! I can't stop it now, this has consumed me. I was tryingTo be positive yesterday but it has all gone wrong again! I can't see any light at the end of the Tunnel!!!

GG,
Not so long ago I felt as hopeless and beaten as you do right now. It's a horrible place to be.
This affliction not only causes the most unimaginable pain, it affects our thought process and is totally soul destroying.
I went from a happy, sane, adult.... To a crying, shaking, negative wreck who was afraid of eating anything, and terrified of what the next bm would bring!
But you know... With lots of support from my husband and friends... And some prescription anti anxiety tabs, things started to turn around for me.
Taking the tablets gave me the thinking space to see things calmly. Believe me... I just wanted to die rather than face a life with an af!
I took care of myself... Soaked in the tub... Ate nutritious food... Started on movicol ( mirilax in us) and slowly ... Very slowly.. Got my sanity back.
This is not forever... You have to keep telling yourself that... And you WILL get through it!
Use that nitro girl!!

OMB x

GGky1959 Is hope out there, trust me is always hope and healing and normalcy and life goes back to be the way it used to be or at least closes to it.
Use the cream, remember that you have one more appointment to settle your problem, is hope my friend is always hope, without hope we would not be able to hold to our sanity .

So far I have used, the CuraCain, the manuka honey, aloe vera, anusol, prep-h, coconut oil, miralax, docolace, tons of water, sqwating, walking, prayer, changed doctors, tucks, the sitz baths, the doughnut, every OTC and nothing has helped me.....I feel so defeated. But yes, life and I must go on, I just don't know how.