Trouble on a whole new level

Infidelity and stress

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Trouble on a whole new level

Postby badbutt42 » 13 Nov 2014, 23:53

How should I start? Sorry, but I need to get this out somehow. sigh. I have been through a tough year with an anal fissure that came about seemingly after a tremendous amount of stress and more recently being diagnosed with a fistula albeit treatable. I have not healed yet from the fissure, and continue to take stool softener and restrict certain foods from my diet.

Back in January my job of over 5 years had changed to a less secure and more stressful one by choice. As a father of two wonderful girls and being married for over 16 years to a woman I thought was by my side, I was blindsided when I found out she was being unfaithful. We have had issues communicating for some time, but both of us can be faulted due to the demands of work and raising a family.

What hurts most is that I accidentally found out when I was looking at her email while we were talking about going on vacation together. I don't think she expected it. I was hurt and she was apologetic. We argued for many days and still do occasionally.
My stress levels skyrocketed then, especially with the change in job. My bowels tightened and my stomach hurt daily. Each day was grueling. Finally, one day I tried to have a bowel movement and it hurt more than anything I had ever experienced. I do believe my fissure was mostly caused by this stress.

Fast forward to today. my wife is again in India where she is doing business with a girlfriend of hers that we both know. The guy that she has been seeing lives several hundred miles away in the same country. I just found out tonight that in November of last year and January of this year she had paid for round trip plane tickets for him and they both also bought plane tickets and a hotel room in the same place. The room description said "2 guests one room, queen sized bed". I am feeling a bit sick to my stomach, but I have two children that are now caught in the middle of this. A few days back I was suspicious of her actions when she traveled unexpected to the same area where this guy lives. i called her and asked her why she was there and also noticed emails that she had sent of various pictures when she promised never to contact him again.....

on top of this all, I am scheduled for a surgery this Monday morning on my fistula and my wife returns this Sunday. The only person I have to depend on during recovery is my wife.

The surgery is important, but I am having trouble dealing with this conflict right now. I have spoken to my mother and brother, but it is being kept quiet beyond that for now. I did not expect this.

Sorry for venting, but I am starting to go insane as I feel my whole life has been turned upside down. I am a simple guy trying to live a good life. Having a fissure and fistula is bad enough.

If anyone has been through similar trauma, please help. I could really use something to keep me going.

:(
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Re: Trouble on a whole new level

Postby Savaici » 14 Nov 2014, 14:42

So sorry that you have things piled one atop the other. Surgery is bad enough without the extra pain.

Very difficult in personal situations like this, and cannot really say stop worrying to you, as how can you. Can you postpone the surgery for a week or so so that you can talk things over with your wife?

Sorry can't be much help to you, but we are certainly here for you to vent whenever you want to and offer advice after your fistula surgery.
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Re: Trouble on a whole new level

Postby Scientist2516 » 15 Nov 2014, 11:16

Badbutt, I'm sorry you are going through all this physical and mental trauma. I agree with you 100% that stress is a contributing factor to fissures. As Savaici says, it will be near impossible for you to stop worrying, but I think there are steps you can take. Obviously, keep up the good diet and drink plenty of water. When you are consumed with sadness and obssessive thoughts it can be difficult to remember to look after yourself. So make a conscious effort to force yourself to.
The other thing is, try to relax your body. Again, easier said than done. It takes a lot of practice to let go of the tension in your body. When you find yourself caught up in miserable thoughts, try to feel if your bottom is clenched. And then try to let go.
Try to turn your thoughts away from your wife, and concentrate on what you need for yourself.
Believe me, I know this is very very hard.
You are not alone.
Please let us know how you are doing. As Savaici says, vent here, ask for advice, browse the forum for tips and other people's experiences. Wishing you all the very best.
Nifedipine/lidocaine, no help
Diltiazem, effective, but caused major rash
Nitroglycerine, effective.
Topical estrogen for final healing.
Gentle heat to bottom - pain relief, muscle relaxant
Kondremul mineral oil
Time - lots of time.
Status - Healed!
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Re: Trouble on a whole new level

Postby badbutt42 » 15 Nov 2014, 16:24

Thank you both for your support. I really am glad I can use this forum as an outlet. I was able to speak frankly with her about my suspicions and she was very defensive over the phone. by the end of the day she called back and said she understood what I am going through and wants to try to work with me so we are all together as a family. she still claims nothing is going on. Truth is I believe she sees that she has everything to lose (financially, emotionally, etc.) especially with some of the proof i have of her actions. I have been carrying this burden of suspicion for a long time now (years) and after these more recent incidents have toughened up a bit more and it will take a long time for me to begin to trust her like i used. May also never be 100%. I spoke with a close friend of ours and she also seems a little suspicious of her behavior over the years.

So she will be taking me to get my procedure and be available to help me through recovery. Truth is, I have her, my daughters, and mother-in-law to help me part-time especially if I regress into the spasms that I felt when I got my first botox/cauterization procedure done.

I asked the doctor if he could prescribe me neurontin for pain. I can take the max dosage of Motrin along with it. That was my recipe to avoid constipation for the first surgery post-op. I suffered a great deal after the last surgery even with a half dose of percocet. I have been on 300mg of stool softener along with about 2 ounces of prune juice daily which has kept my stool very soft. I still bleed even with soft stool, but the doctor mentioned that it's from the fistula.

I am hoping this surgery makes all of the difference. I need to get my emotional, physical, psychological and spiritual strength back.

thanks again.
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Re: Trouble on a whole new level

Postby Scientist2516 » 18 Nov 2014, 08:24

Hi Badbutt,
did you have your surgery? How are you feeling?
Nifedipine/lidocaine, no help
Diltiazem, effective, but caused major rash
Nitroglycerine, effective.
Topical estrogen for final healing.
Gentle heat to bottom - pain relief, muscle relaxant
Kondremul mineral oil
Time - lots of time.
Status - Healed!
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