Diary Continues!

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Diary Continues!

Postby fissure_be_gone » 25 Jun 2018, 07:48

Hey guys, I started diarising on my introduction post but recently noticed this board so thought It'd be better placed to continue here.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 8:06 am

Feels like I'm going to have a stomach ache again this morning. What is up with this? I'm fine through the day just really dodgy in the mornings.
Keep up the not drinking. Live in healing.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 8:23 am
Just work on not waking up and stressing. That's not the way. I should be getting up excited.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 8:25 am
Remember the challenge: no drinking until Friday. Same as this every week.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 8:33 am
Gut is feeling stronger and I feel healthier today. Keep up the Kefir and fish oil. Keep up the basic breakfast. Keep up the Positive Mental Attitude. Keep up the not drinking in the week. This is all part of my right path.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 10:16 am
Hard stool is back. I guess that's because I only went in the morning yesterday. Hopefully more this 'gut rot' feeling seems to have passed I can focus on getting back to a movement in the morning and halfway through the day to keep it moving and stop it getting hard.
There was a bit of blood too, so the GTN application needs to continue.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 10:54 am
There's no point having a bath to apply GTN, to go to the gym, then have another bath and apply GTN again. What I'll do now is apply a tiny bit of gtn to stop the throbbing whilst I'm at the gym. Then, after the gym I'll wipe before my bath then apply a little after the bath again.
Meditate then get on with my work.
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Re: Diary Continues!

Postby fissure_be_gone » 25 Jun 2018, 07:49

20 June 2018 Wednesday 12:23 pm
Can't believe there's still anus pain now. This sucks it's gone on so long. At least gut issues seem to have gone.
Keep up multiple small applications of GTN.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 12:48 pm
After the GTN gets me through healing to the point there's no pain or itching, I'll continue applying coconut oil to help aid the healing.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 1:42 pm
If it wasn't for the health issues I wouldn't feel depressed. As long as I've got this feeling hanging over my mind that I might be seriously ill with cancer or even Crohn's, I feel like I can't commit to a relationship or anything because it's not nice to project that one to somebody.
I just need August over and done with and I need to know I'm healthy.
In the meantime I've got to deal with things as I can. That means walking the right path, applying GTN to heal the fissure that I almost healed, then using coconut oil to finish the healing process. Looking after my gut health by having kefir every morning and not consuming inflammatory things and drinking alcohol.
I need to practice a better positive outlook on life to keep stress down.
If I can feel healthy then that is a better way to be healthy.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 2:47 pm
Didn't feel like a great workout. It was all upper body compound. The problem was this fissure taking me out of the mood.
At least I turned up, it's better than moping at home and will be in any circumstance.
I'll make it my mission to continue the GTN until August. I'll try to prevent any overnight stays until then to keep it healing. All the other lifestyle changes are in process

20 June 2018 Wednesday 3:17 pm
There's definitely some blood on my stools after my 2nd BM the fucker is back fully.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 5:11 pm
A lot of pain today keep up the GTN and get healed as a matter of priority.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 5:47 pm
might have to give up the 'internet', especially if I do end up having cancer.
Got to keep my mental health strong, not go exploring all these stories of death etc.
If I get cancer - the rest of my life is devoted to my purpose, just to keep me going.
Ok, I won't get to experience the deep romance and love which is what I wanted the most out of this life - but we will all die one day, that's just the fact of life. I can't control when I go - especially if I already have cancer. And I'm doing what I can now.
I'm concerned because of the need to empty bowel after going and the ongoing fissure that doesn't heal and the 'changes in bowel habits' I'm having.
I'm scared. It's ruining my life. I don't think I can wait until August.

20 June 2018 Wednesday 6:07 pm
I'm really depressed. In a bad way.
I'm scared I have cancer and it's game over me before I've even had a chance to know what deep love is.
It's ruined me because now I'm dealing with the fear that I'm unhealthy and never going to be healthy enough to be strong and confident enough to fearlessly go into a relationship.
I've been depressed since way before December. Obviously not all days are bad.
I've had fissure trouble for over a year.
In truth I've not noticed any major ongoing stomach cramps or anything.
I'm having a breakdown. Tomorrow I'll be back stronger.
I feel like I might be looking at a cancer diagnosis.
I need to know. I'll assess how this fissure reacts to my treatment plan up until the end of the month and monitor whether my gut seems healthy. If there's cause for concern in 2 weeks I'll go back to the GP and ask for the referral to be brought forward as I'm not getting any better and the other symptoms, plus a nervous breakdown.
21 June 2018 Thursday 9:25 am
All these worrying thoughts come into my head constantly. Because I've NOT journaled, I'm more conscious of them. I'm seeing how often I'm relating to what I'm thinking.
If I just accept I've had a thought and then return to the body to relax and make sure I'm not tensing up frantically typing all my feelings, I feel more relaxed.
This morning my anus is starting to hurt. But it's because of the tension I'm putting myself under by stressing. Now if I just see the thought and let it pass. I should be ok.
Notice that when I write I am always tense.
Time to let it go.
New practice. Don't journal worries and complaints.

21 June 2018 Thursday 9:33 am
It's simple now. I see the gremlin speak, I have the urge to write it down and associate with it. Instead I question whether it's a helpful thought, then I have s few breaths to let it pass.

21 June 2018 Thursday 9:47 am
When I stop thinking I have all these problems, they seem to go away.

21 June 2018 Thursday 10:03 am
Very large and quite hard stool this morning. Definitely hurt to push out. Need to get my fibre back up and try and promote another BM today so that stools don't sit. I'm going to stick to my food diary again too.
Blood again. But this is the fissure reopening. There are hundreds of people on the forums with fissures that have lasted years and they don't have cancer. So just because I have a non-healing fissure doesn't mean that I have cancer.
And even if I do, it's time to accept that now and no longer give my energy to it. Don't get lost in thoughts and writing down every feeling, come back to the body, relax.
Apply the GTN and leave it to do its job without you worrying about things that aren't even happening. That's what causes the spasm in the first place.

21 June 2018 Thursday 10:12 am
I have been going on autopilot for years reacting and writing down every feeling I have. This has become a stress and something I need to stop. I'm now going to take a few breaths and say "do I really need to write this down or do I just need to relax for a minute?"

21 June 2018 Thursday 12:42 pm
I've got to stop doing this, but this seems like good perspective :
· I had a little stomach growl and I automatically thought it was cancer. Chances are I have IBS and a fissure that's not healing because I keep fucking it up.
Now, GTN twice a day, no alcohol in the week, fibre, two BM a day if I feel an urge. Stop obsessing = stop tensing. That means no journaling. Let things pass.

21 June 2018 Thursday 2:30 pm
I think, looking back, it's been stress... All of the gut problems have been stress. I don't think cancer symptoms just get better when they feel like it, even if some people with it did say they seem to go away.
I've got a fissure. I know that. And I know that some fissures don't heal. Again, still not cancer.
The body knows how to protect itself from cancer to an extent.
Therefore, I forget the idea I have cancer unless I'm told otherwise. I've done my 'preparing' if it is the case. But right now, if I don't go looking for problems they don't seem to come - and not stressing is how I will heal. Stressing means focusing on the negatives and getting compulsive with them.

21 June 2018 Thursday 3:52 pm
Heal the fissure and everything will be fine. I'm not having major gut troubles, it's just been stress.
Just focus on getting this fissure healed and keep a positive mind - don't lock into negative thoughts and let the gremlin take over. This is great.

21 June 2018 Thursday 4:48 pm
Thought I needed a BM but ended up going in there and sitting for 10 mins. It's because I'm anxious I'm going to further tear the fissure. I do have almost cramping feelings now though, which isn't ideal before exercise class.
The gremlin is saying "your abdomen is hard and you're having stomach cramps. This could be cancer." But that's just the gremlin.
My stomach is cramping because I probably need to shit but my arse isn't letting me.
Just chill. Surely I'll be ok after exercise and dinner. Then I'll apply some more GTN and stop associating with this again.

21 June 2018 Thursday 5:00 pm
I applied a bit more GTN which seems to have stopped the throbbing.

21 June 2018 Thursday 5:31 pm
Just search for this relaxed feeling in my body, it's there all the time if I free my mind of worry.

21 June 2018 Thursday 7:35 pm
I don't think I'd be able to do this training with bowel cancer I think it'd cripple me.
Time to stop documenting anything in health that isn't significant.

22 June 2018 Friday 10:12 am
This is how to heal. I'm starting to get this now...
1. Exercise, specifically lift weights to put the body under enough pressure to trigger blood flow and healing itself in rest.
2. Learn to relax and detach from negative thoughts.

3. Aid lowering of inflammation and increase relaxation.
4. Have kefir and fish oil in the morning.
5. Sleep well and deep.
6. Do not drink alcohol more than twice a week.
7. Avoid fatty foods.
Potentially need to get grains and dairy checked if inflammation actually found on test. Remind specialist GP said an inflammation check should be done.

22 June 2018 Friday 10:45 am
Large BM this morning (brown rice). Well formed but made for a painful BM. There was pink blood on the paper again and now pain.
GTN needed. Aim for 2 BM a day. Heal.

22 June 2018 Friday 11:46 am
I'm still wanting to document all these little feelings I have... Like the headache from the GTN or the bubbling happening in my gut (probably actually hungry now as I haven't technically eaten anything yet this morning.)
I need to stop now and challenge these thoughts as soon as they come in.
Keep this positivity practice up until August. Even if my gremlin is telling me it's all in vain, I won't know that until August anyway. And next year, if I'm healthy (gremlin again), I'm getting health insurance.

22 June 2018 Friday 1:55 pm
Remember that GTN takes at least 2 weeks to work, so don't get lost in that thought.

22 June 2018 Friday 2:14 pm
I'm going to start an intermittent fasting schedule.
I am realising how many things are good for inflammation and how important minimising chronic inflammation is. I'm all about this now!

22 June 2018 Friday 4:24 pm
I am seeing lately how much of my mental Capacity I have been dedicating to the thoughts that I have cancer what I'm going to do if I have. This is not healthy thinking at all. And I am glad that I have realised that it's time to address it.
That is not how to live.

22 June 2018 Friday 4:53 pm
I am picking up on small sensations. I feel a bit bloated, even before eating a pitta, ham and sandwich spread. Not eaten all day. No major gut issues today yet my gremlin is saying I must have cancer. This is ridiculous. I need to break out of this.
I am not ill.
I have a fissure. I will heal that. Initially with GTN, then with coconut oil. I got so close last time. I can do it again. I can heal it fully.

22 June 2018 Friday 5:10 pm
Another BM! I'm clearly not having any problems with things moving through my digestive system. The stools are healthy-looking too. So it's time to forget the idea I have bowel cancer and get back to focusing on healing this fissure.
Fasting for the most part of today has been good. I might make a thing of seeing how long I can go before getting hungry (or, after exercise to replenish.)

23 June 2018 Saturday 12:15 pm
Just had an uncomfortable movement of gas in my gut followed by a feeling I was going to have incontinence again, then had a massive hot flush.
Then, I had another diorreah BM.
Recording this isn't just compulsively picking at a worrying thought. This is a genuine health concern that's effecting my life and causing the worry to escalate.
Having to wait until August to be seen is a joke. I should go back to the GP and say there's these new symptoms that have me concerned.
However, they are still going to be checking for chrons or something, not cancer so it won't go urgent. If anything he will probably give me drugs to tie me over until the tests.
Regardless, PMA is needed even in cancer. It shows significant more chance of survival. So I need to practice it.
This could still be gluten or lactose considering I had beer and pizza last night.
Again, the BM didn't seem unhealthy. And there's a lot of it considering it's the second round today.

23 June 2018 Saturday 12:47 pm
Spent a good hour looking at chrons, celiac, lactose and gluten intolerances.
This isn't healthy, this is compulsive. I need to crack on with my day. The gut issues go when I'm busy.
Applying more GTN. Healing this fissure is important.

23 June 2018 Saturday 1:22 pm
Remember that August 9th is not that far off in the larger scheme of things. I can focus on healing until then.

23 June 2018 Saturday 1:39 pm
My mind is in a mess and I don't know if that's because of my gut issues or it's causing them.
I'm in a state of stress knowing I need to get a job before I run out of money, but I want to be in good health before I get a job. Money won't last until August...
But it is what it is. I'm doing what I can.
Focus on healing one thing at a time:
1. Anus fissure (maybe fistula) has responded well to GTN before. So keep that up twice a day.
2. I'll address gut afterwards. Not really sure what I can do about that as it doesn't seem to be dairy...
3. I'll practice a PMA always and avoid worry. Worry is useless in any circumstance.
4. Don't worry about relationship and romance right now. Get August out the way and know where I stand. There's no immediate romance for me anyway.
I planned to go to the gym today but I have a GTN headache and don't feel strong with this fissure. I'll go for a walk instead. If I'm more healed on Monday I'll do my pull routine then.
I need to write up updates on the forum so all of this is together in the same place.
And I need to stop worrying thoughts taking all my energy.

23 June 2018 Saturday 3:15 pm
On the toilet again as was about to fart and shit myself.
Very loose stool this time.
IBS caused by stress and worry relating to the fissure, triggering diorreah because of beer last night?

23 June 2018 Saturday 3:17 pm
I don't have to feel guilty taking a day just to relax.
I've found my new relaxation/meditation that really does chill me out too.
Lay on my back, close my eyes, put one hand on my heart and another on my belly, breathe and feel the body get heavier. This is the easiest way for me to meditate.
I'm going to be ok. I'm going to heal this and get through it.

23 June 2018 Saturday 6:18 pm
It's made me feel better knowing my uncle had a reaction to the pizza and that this dicky gut isn't just me.
Help it heal. Heal the fissure. Chill. Work

24 June 2018 Sunday 10:06 am
It seems it could well be the Kefir causing all this bloating and stomach upset. I probably could have worked that one out.
Once this bottle is finished I'll switch to live yoghurt for a while to work back up to kefir in time as my gut heals with reduced alcohol etc.

24 June 2018 Sunday 10:33 am
Very healthy bm. All came out as one long sausage, soft. No damage done. Not even sure if GTN needed so coconut oil might start sufficing today after my bath if still feels no need for GTN.
Gut still feels a bit 'twisted up', but not as bad as yesterday. No more kefir after this bottle is finished, yogurt until reason needed for a top up of healthy bacteria.

24 June 2018 Sunday 11:14 am
2nd bm and gut feels more settled. It's got to be the kefir... I'll see what happens when it runs out and I stop taking it. I'll switch to live yogurt.

24 June 2018 Sunday 11:36 am
I feel like I'm back now.
Fissure seems to be healing, I have an idea of what's causing the gut upset so I'll test that out.
Choose the positive.

June 24, 2018
12:54 PM
my mental position has been effecting my body negatively. I want control over my mind so I need to continually practice that.

June 25, 2018
Two bowel movements consistent every morning at the moment. Some pink dots of blood this morning and itching.
I think I have worry-induced IBS and a non-healing fissure..
Stopping worry should help the two, but it's hard to stop thinking about these things when they're taking over my life.
I need to do my best though, there's no point getting stuck in negativity. Choose the positive.

June 25, 2018
My gut feels fine now and the GTN has taken away the itching etc. I generally feel good now, other than the GTN headache which increases my perception of stress.
I need to move off of GTN and onto coconut oil as soon as I stop having ANY symptoms down there.
If I have 2 BMs in the morning but then feel fine thereafter, so be it.
That's the plan now. That's how I keep mentally strong until August when I can finally get this sorted for real.
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Re: Diary Continues!

Postby fissure_be_gone » 25 Jun 2018, 07:51

As you can tell, I'm struggling with my mental health whilst I wait for this specialist appointment.

I have found that meeting negative thoughts with a positive mental attitude rather than letting them consume me is the answer. But it's difficult to imagine myself in my peak mental health until I'm healed.

I genuinely don't want to have to deal with this again and so am quite determined to get health insurance next year to avoid these NHS queues.

I wonder how many people are having breakdowns as a result to waiting to see specialists in this country?
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