Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

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Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby Rachael 1984 » 20 Feb 2013, 13:59

There is new pain... Horrible, horrible pain.
Like a knife going into my butt and being twisted, then jabbed, then twisted....Burning, more burning. I wish I had a broken arm or leg, anything rather than this. My partner is sick of it, can't cope with the tears, they keep coming. God knows how I am gonna go another 6 wks of this hell. Helllpp!
Hem Banding sept 2012
2Fissures
Nitro- Effective short term
April 2013-Botox-Effective short term
Diltazem-No effect, developed Rash
July 2014-Diagnosed High Resting Pressure
LIS performed on 17.9.14
Ongoing pain/re-tears. Awaiting pressure test results.
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Rachael 1984
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby prunie » 20 Feb 2013, 14:19

With you. Same. Have some painkillers, go sit in the hottest inch or two of water you can stand.....temporary relief. Totally understand...these last few days have felt like some of the lowest of my life. I have to believe that a better diet, the Diltiazem, a thousand prunes, sitz baths, magnesium supplements and a bunch of lactalose will help ease things off before I can get some surgery. Keep your chin up. Image
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby Rachael 1984 » 20 Feb 2013, 14:31

Thanks prunie, I feel exhausted. Great to know I am not alone. I am taking macrogol stool softener, and tried using the nitro for the second time, but I seem to be getting irritation from that now.My bottom has had that many cremes etc up there over the last 4-5 months, it has given up, like me. I have botox booked, but the CRS can't see me until 4th April. I called yesterday to see if any cancellations, but he is on holiday this week. God hopefully the Botox can help me heal.
How long have you been suffering. When the CRS confirmed I had 2 AF's I felt sick, then cried, and cried....
Why don't they heal???? I wish I could go back and not push and not be constipated! I have IBS, so controlling the demons is hard. Image
Hem Banding sept 2012
2Fissures
Nitro- Effective short term
April 2013-Botox-Effective short term
Diltazem-No effect, developed Rash
July 2014-Diagnosed High Resting Pressure
LIS performed on 17.9.14
Ongoing pain/re-tears. Awaiting pressure test results.
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Rachael 1984
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby Rachael 1984 » 20 Feb 2013, 14:32

Thanks prunie, I feel exhausted. Great to know I am not alone. I am taking macrogol stool softener, and tried using the nitro for the second time, but I seem to be getting irritation from that now.My bottom has had that many cremes etc up there over the last 4-5 months, it has given up, like me. I have botox booked, but the CRS can't see me until 4th April. I called yesterday to see if any cancellations, but he is on holiday this week. God hopefully the Botox can help me heal.
How long have you been suffering. When the CRS confirmed I had 2 AF's I felt sick, then cried, and cried....
Why don't they heal???? I wish I could go back and not push and not be constipated! I have IBS, so controlling the demons is hard. Image
Hem Banding sept 2012
2Fissures
Nitro- Effective short term
April 2013-Botox-Effective short term
Diltazem-No effect, developed Rash
July 2014-Diagnosed High Resting Pressure
LIS performed on 17.9.14
Ongoing pain/re-tears. Awaiting pressure test results.
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Rachael 1984
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby Rachael 1984 » 20 Feb 2013, 14:33

Oops sorry, posted twice
Hem Banding sept 2012
2Fissures
Nitro- Effective short term
April 2013-Botox-Effective short term
Diltazem-No effect, developed Rash
July 2014-Diagnosed High Resting Pressure
LIS performed on 17.9.14
Ongoing pain/re-tears. Awaiting pressure test results.
User avatar
Rachael 1984
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby prunie » 20 Feb 2013, 14:43

Sounds very similar to me. I think I've had small AFs for a really long time. For perhaps a year I've occasionally had a bit of discomfort with a BM and then a little bit of blood....but nothing I worried about. And then I had a baby. It's a MESS. I too have had all sorts of creams, submarines (well, they feel like that) shoved up by butt. They all sort of work for a little while and then it gets worse. This weekend was beyond awful. However, I have been really trying to change my intake of food to make it better. I am not sure it will heal this way; I am unconvinced. All I figure is I get myself to a state where it is bearable and wait to see the surgeon. Praying the NHS hurries up with my appointment.
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby marg6043 » 20 Feb 2013, 14:48

Rachael 1984 have you tried to use a littler bit of lidocaine in the area? just to numb long enough to have some rest?
If you have, then sorry to hear that is still so painful, I tried anything when mine was fresh with all kind of mix side effects from more irritation and pain to some type of relieve.
I know how it is I been there and back, but things will get better, girl trust me It will not get any worst that already you feel it is. Fissures when fresh are extremely painful, when chronic they just that a pain in the butt.
They take for ever to heal and sometimes never heal at all without intervention that is why you have to be prepare for surgery mentally Hopefuly your ordeal will be over soon.
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby Rachael 1984 » 20 Feb 2013, 15:00

I am on the NHS too, Prunie. Waiting is awful. I think I have given up because normally when you are Ill, you know you are just going to recover and be fine. This feels like an ongoing hell hole!
Marg, I am waiting for the Vit E, suppositories to arrive, that you advised. I have lubricated with Vaseline the last few days. Had a good day yesterday, them Bam today was pain, pain, pain...... I know I won't be like this forever, just need to find strength to fight this.... Xxxx
Thanks for the great words of support😍❤❤❤
Hem Banding sept 2012
2Fissures
Nitro- Effective short term
April 2013-Botox-Effective short term
Diltazem-No effect, developed Rash
July 2014-Diagnosed High Resting Pressure
LIS performed on 17.9.14
Ongoing pain/re-tears. Awaiting pressure test results.
User avatar
Rachael 1984
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby marg6043 » 20 Feb 2013, 15:32

Rachael that is how it is, good days then bad days, to have longer good days and terrible set backs then everything starts to get better and better.
I think fissures are there to plague us and test our sanity, I think they are cruel littler things that just do not want to let go and because we all have to eat and have BMs the littler cruel things knows where to get us the best.
I remember a long time ago when a lady told me never to say things over and over because they will become reality, like pain in the neck, a pain in the butt, guess what I used to tell my kids that they were nothing but pains in my butt, now I have a big pain in my butt for real and my kids are now adult. :D
Just a littler humor to soften the pain out my dear.
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Re: Losing the will to live. Worst time of my life

Postby GGky1959 » 20 Feb 2013, 15:42

Rachael 1984 wrote:There is new pain... Horrible, horrible pain.
Like a knife going into my butt and being twisted, then jabbed, then twisted....Burning, more burning. I wish I had a broken arm or leg, anything rather than this. My partner is sick of it, can't cope with the tears, they keep coming. God knows how I am gonna go another 6 wks of this hell. Helllpp!

Rach, I feel you. I feel you....I have been crying since Monday. I wake up, I'm okay and then its time for the bm and then its pure hell from that point on and it lasts and lasts and lasts and lasts and all you can do is cry and pop pills, cry and pop more pills and cry and pop more until the next round........I'm on vacation this week, I haven't been able to do anything, just cry and pop pills and come to my beloved website...here...that's it. Thank God I get to see my doctor tommorrow and hope he can help me. Oh and the love and support we should get from our loved ones? Forget about it.....I told my husband who I just supported through colon cancer the feelings of glass shoved up your *** and he was completely oblivious to my pain, could care less. We're now sleeping in seperate bedrooms, he can't stand my crying myself to sleep each night. Rach, what type of Nitro cream are you using and its not helping?
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