I apologize ahead of time for venting.
I thought I was getting back to a better place when all of a sudden I had a hard bowel movement last night. Things seemed fine today but all of a sudden while standing or sitting and I get tremendous sharp pain as if from the inside. It subsides after 15 minutes or so, but I feel so down about this condition and how I cannot even sit with my daughter and do something fun together. This has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life. On top of this, my job is on the line due to budget cuts and I am already trying to change to a new job elsewhere by interviewing. How will I be able to hold a job and concentrate with this condition? I wonder how I can just get this to heal without stress mounting on a daily basis. Car rides with sharp pain and what seems like trapped gas pushing on the cut is killing my focus. I almost feel like giving up on my career and everything I worked so hard for over the past 20 years. Education becomes a waste if I look at it that way. All of that work and all of the blood, sweat and tears to get somewhere has led me literally to the same except for maybe the blood.
I hate sounding like the host of my own pity party, but I know of no other way to have this conversation without completely breaking down in front of someone. Already did that with my parents over the phone and I wasn't even trying. I just can't help it. I am sure that the stresses in my life have led up to this condition in some way, but at this point I would be happy with just being pain free for a few days. Being able to sit, stand, or walk without sharp pain would be a blessing. I cannot do any of the things that I was so used to doing. It really feels hopeless. If even a little stress can cause a partially hard stool, then I have no idea how to manage this condition.
I will have to stick it out for this entire long weekend to see what the doctor says on Tuesday as a possible next step. What bothered me was the tone in which the nurse addressed me when I explained the situation. It was almost as if I was being admonished about the doctor having to go to the next step. As if I really didn't think it through before calling to have a consultation. I have really lost a lot of faith in these doctors. Am I just some experiment for them? Sick of being sick.