Hi,

My name is Ryan, and I have loved working with computers since I was young. I lost my job in 2008 (Sr. software engineer making 95K/yr) at the age of 29 because of the emotional pain associated with chronic pain. I recently made a full recovery from the levator ani syndrome and so returned to work on May 18, 2015. After 12 days, I was a mess again. No fissures, but the rectal pain was just too upsetting. I found myself taking frequent breaks to walk around the parking lot as the panic attacks started to come back -- all because I cannot stand hurting in that area.

So, it appears that it's caused by stress. I have Bipolar disorder, but it's never actually stopped me from doing the things I want to do. What stops me is the levator ani syndrome. I like the idea of being around people and socializing, but that also increases my stress level. I also have ADHD and autism spectrum disorder.

I spend my time doing medical research about mood disorders and looking through forums like this one, and doing other computer hobbies such as programming software and games.

I feel that dilation is the best tool for combating rectal pain. Swimming is a great way to relax.

I feel that there is merit to taking methylphenidate for a period of time in order to promote relaxation and reduce pain.

In the past I have been so angry with medical professionals for being of so little help, but I have found physical therapy to be effective. I do not recommend doing kegels though, as they might suggest doing. We must be out own physical therapists and learn how our bodies work, and for me it has become an obsession.

I'm happy to be on this board and thanks for reading.

Wow

I am a server specialist, similar career, the more stress, the more.....this thing hurts

Not familiar with methylphenidate. I don't think I have any kind of diagnosis in that sense, but I think I need one.

I too am finding work more difficult. Long hours of mentally challenging work....sitting....some days I can't sit, too irritating because the alien head is out of the end and screaming.

Going to start yoga tomorrow.

That's good you're able to continue working. I don't know how people do it. To be honest I am really glad that you replied to my post because I'm not able to connect with people as much as I'd like to. There is something about having pain back there that really hurts the self esteem. Today I was watching videos about all the possible extra terrestrial species some people report that are here on earth. I used to be afraid of them before the pain, but now I feel like I would run out and shake hands and ask them to help me!

I hear you

Work is next to impossible for me now. Currently I am the on call guy supporting 2,500 servers. If you are in I.T. You know what that means.

I used to be able to take it all in stride, but lately the stress of responsibility, projects, incessant emails and whatever....

Reading your history I see a very creative and intelligent person

You need to......we need too......find our happy place. I work with a team of about 18 members, they are beasts, I mean they work 16 hours a day not including outages for upgrades and fixes which are 24 hours a day.

Managing stress through meditation, exercise, yoga, clean diet, hydration...the list goes on

I am on the waiting list for colonoscopy, I was told a have a chronic fissure, but they must rule out life threatening issues.
I look at my team members, they don't seem to live healthy lives, yet.....they are always available all is good.

Why?

Stress, I really think we must manage stress, will life on earth end if our xyz cannot resolve abc?

Yoga.

That's next.

I know what you mean about others at the office. I have seen people of all ages sitting for LONG periods of time without taking much break time. I see them being highly productive and focused. If they have any pain in their bodies, they are dealing with it extraordinarily well. They are beasts, but is that just how people are... "Am I weak", I ask myself.

One thing that has helped me be happy and relaxed is writing code for a meaningful purpose (which is very difficult to find when you have trouble connecting to peers due to whatever lonely reason). I managed to overcome the levator ani syndrome in the past by doing a lot of that during my disability, but I wouldn't have been as enthusiastic about it without 60 mg/day of methylphenidate (Ritalin) which isn't the best feeling but drugs can help you cope with hell. This is when I developed a 3d game and also a program for mining data off eBay and Amazon which I got pretty excited about at the time. I also did a video presentation with lots of cool animations for my sister's wedding and some 3d modeling with a software called blender.

I appreciate all responses to my post. This is a nice community.

I went swimming again today at a place called Bigelo Hollow in CT. I feel that the water really helps me relax which is super important for us. All I can do is take things one day at a time. Friends are very important to me, and I love having people to say good night to before bed. I'm always up late watching Netflix. I like taking melatonin to fall asleep. I feel like it helps the positive mood during the day -- perhaps there's a connection to serotonin or something. I find that 5-HTP does help me be happier.

I would like to do yoga and mediation, but don't seem have the space for yoga sadly. Meditation is for some reason very challenging for me to sit down and do. I Must try harder. It's tough. I'm so sad right now, and I just broke up with a boyfriend because I'm too low energy for him. I'm always in pain though, and he stresses me out and tells me I'm "missing part of me". I feel like so much less of a person because of this pain.

I wish I could find more people to relate to and call on the phone from time to time.

Thanks for the response. Be well!!