Hey everyone, hope you're all well!
I'm writing this post because I just nipped out to the village store to get some milk and have a 'walk', then I realised when I left the front door that I haven't left the confines of the house for 2 weeks. (I've been in the garden but not outside onto the street). I am fed up, and I need to change this or I am going to go mad!
Following moving out of my flat in the city I love, London (the lease was ending anyway) and moving in with my parents, it's now been 5 weeks of being stuck at home with my parents while I 'heal'. My employers have been really supportive and I've been doing some work from home, however I'm starting now to feel the pressure of coming back.
Truth is, I'm pretty scared.
I had hoped that some time out of the stressful city and being back with my understanding parents that I would have healed myself up by now. A bit optimistic seeing as the whole saga's been almost half a year now!! Truth is I'm not much better off... suffered a re-tear two weeks back and various other setbacks. I don't think employers really understand why I wouldn't be healed by now, and I haven't told them exactly what it is (embarrassed).
But the other thing is that I'm fed up. Fed up beyond words. I'm coming close to the mentality that I might just have this thing permanently now and I might as well try and claw some kind of life back- If I'm not going to get better.
Which means trying to get back to the wonderful city and trying to do my job. Hell, I'd love love love to get back to my life and my job in London but it will be hard. Anyone know what I mean?
For a start there's the ridiculous routine, that works like clockwork now. Get up at 6:30 sharp, pace around, sip hot water, wait for BM... Breakfast (set menu)... Have sitz bath, blow dry arsehole, apply nitro...
I mean what happens when my BM doesn't come and I have to go at work? Disaster, not being able to wash that's what!
Then there's the stress of work coupled with AF pain... And having to sneak laxatives and anal cream into the workplace. I could try to be discreet but it's going to be a pain. And the main one for me is seating. Sitting on hard surfaces = PAIN! I've got one of those donut shaped cushions now (it's got to that stage) which makes it more bearable but there's no way in hell I'm bringing that into work. I couldn't take the humiliation. I might just try a normal cushion and see how I get on.
Then there's walking to work. I swear long walks have set me back weeks before. I don't know for sure, and I know it's easy to wrongly attribute cause + effect when you're reading into every tiny nuance as does an AF sufferer. I'm going to start a thread about that now I think about it.
Anyway, i'm rambling but my point is... Maybe I'm being overly neurotic (i bet anyone with an AF is too unless they're some kind of Zen monk) but managing an AF seems like such a balancing act sometimes, the slightest thing can make it go off and there are just so many factors here that I'm freaking out a bit just thinking about it.
On the other hand, it would make such a MASSIVE difference to my wellbeing if I could get back in contact with the interesting, stimulating, life affirming people and things that make up your life... Mine just isn't worth living right now if I'm honest. And my doc says it will help me heal by distracting me. I think he's right. But he doesn't get all the other stuff. The other stuff that could go wrong, he just sees an anxious young guy with a trivial problem (I have such a hard time trying to convince docs that this small tear in my arse causes me so much grief).
I'm not sure what the point of this was really. i needed to get that all out. Sorry for the rant
Can anyone tell me how you get on at work? Is it a struggle?

stuckOnHold wrote:Then there's the stress of work coupled with AF pain... And having to sneak laxatives and anal cream into the workplace. I could try to be discreet but it's going to be a pain. And the main one for me is seating. Sitting on hard surfaces = PAIN! I've got one of those donut shaped cushions now (it's got to that stage) which makes it more bearable but there's no way in hell I'm bringing that into work. I couldn't take the humiliation. I might just try a normal cushion and see how I get on.
I sat on a donut pillow covered by a towel and pushed the chair under my desk whenever I left my work area. I had to go back to work, and I couldn't sit on my thrombosed hemmroid, so that was my best solution to my problem at that time. No one ever commented. Truth is many, many people have rectal problems, but don't discuss them with others!!!
On the other hand, it would make such a MASSIVE difference to my wellbeing if I could get back in contact with the interesting, stimulating, life affirming people and things that make up your life... Mine just isn't worth living right now if I'm honest. And my doc says it will help me heal by distracting me. I think he's right. But he doesn't get all the other stuff. The other stuff that could go wrong, he just sees an anxious young guy with a trivial problem (I have such a hard time trying to convince docs that this small tear in my arse causes me so much grief).

We're interesting, stimulating, life affirming people! What about trying an A/D??

Hey,
I've thought about that but I'm not sure I'm ready to go down that route for now... I'm pretty fed up but I couldn't honestly say I'm depressed, I'm just not living my life's full potential. Just want a cure dammit! :)

Hey Stuck,
Fast response! I didn't want to go down that road of taking an A/D either and wouldn't have if my Mayo GI doc hadn't recommended it. There were many different aspects to my healing curve, but taking an A/D was certainly very helpful for me. I don't take it any longer. Good luck!!

re the donut thing--post op i took it as long as i needed it...most of my coworkers knew what i was having done--and i work at a hospital in an emergency room so it's not like anybody's going to taunt me anyway
they sell disposable washcloths at the store...i have some at home and they are always available where i work...
more than likely your coworkers will be empathetic (or at the minimum sympathetic) to your plight...unless you work with juveniles...
i agree with cheryl re the A/Ds...i'm not on them right now because of an unwanted side effect, but i'm going to see about getting a different kind...i do see a difference between when i'm on them and when i'm not as far as my mood and outlook are concerned...
good luck!