Hey Bugaboo...I totally know where you're coming from. I was there. I was so depressed I cried in the shower every time I took one. I didn't leave the house unless I really needed something. I didn't go shopping for fun anymore at all. My mind went wild too, I kept wondering why the problem was getting worse instead of better and if that meant something horrible was wrong with me and I was dying.
What helped me was taking walks. For me, walking would kill the spasms and for the rest of the day after my walk, I usually wouldn't have anymore pain. Also Miralax was a great help. I was still able to help out at the kids' school and do what I needed to do; however, I wasn't enjoying my life at all.
I thought about my Grandma a lot. She was more like a mother to me. She passed away when she was 68 (I was 20) and I still miss her all the time. She went through some truly awful things in her life....the loss of her oldest child to suicide, and surviving cervical cancer later in life. And probably lots more I don't even know about. I kept asking myself what she would have done in my situation, and truly I think she would have handled it better than I did! She was a strong lady.
Anyway I'm just here to tell you that if I could get through this (being the coward that I am) anyone can! There is a beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of healing from this. You're better to deal with it sooner rather than later, like I did. I had my fissures on and off for five years. They have a tendency to get worse and if I had known that in the beginning, I would have had the surgery sooner. So please, try to stop second-guessing why this is getting worse; that's just what fissures do! When I first got mine (after childbirth) it went away and didn't come back for a long, long time. But eventually it got so bad it wouldn't heal up at all, and that's because the muscle was stuck in a permanent spasm. Once I hit that point and I felt so helpless and depressed, I knew I had to do the surgery.
I hope you see your doctor soon and get the help you need...