Well what a title huh? I feel like in order to get the best advice I need to be honest and hope that maybe there is someone as similar to me as possible, not because I only want those people to communicate to me but because having anal sex and HIV are key factors to well... your anus lol. Here we go:
(If you are uncomfortable with homosexuality and homosexual intercourse, I advise to not read this post. I do apologize but in order to express my feelings, my symptoms and my history I feel like I must, although I feel I have done it in a very professional way.)
As stated im 26 y/o and I am gay, the thing that gets me the most is #1 I've torn my anus many times during intercourse because my partner was either too large or impatient. It would bleed instantly of course and a couple days would go by that when I had a BM there would be blood and a bit of pain but things would go away. #2 Why have I never ever heard of an anal fissure in my life until I had one I may of never let someone penetrate me if I had known. and p.s. Now I'm thinking of being straight, maybe my mom wished this on me lol.
But in all seriousness this has not only effected my life, eating habits, mobility, mood, confidence, and the list continues all the way to my sex life! I dont know if this post thing has a limit of characters, but if it does, im gonna reach it guaranteed.
About 3 weeks ago I went to pass a BM and it hurt a bit, blood was on the toilet paper but I didn't know why, or where it came from because I had not engaged in anal sex and I didn't think the BM was very large. But I dont know, maybe i was tense that day I was at my aunts house and I hate pooping at others peoples places so I get tense and weird. Anyways, time went on and sometimes the skin around my anus would get irritated and burn and be sooo uncomfortable. I dont know what this is called but does anyone know what im talking about? I think it is caused by not fully drying or wiping, could be wrong. Fast forward, to the last 2 weeks and progressively this is getting worse.
Its so fluctuant it pisses me off, one day Its not that bad, the next its indescribable and I know you all know what I mean so i wont bother telling you the metaphor of what it feels like. Like most I jump online and start researching reading horrific stories of people and how they have had these symptoms for years and sometimes the BM paralyzes them, others of having cancer and its just so stressful reading all those posts. Time continues and I assumed I had hemorrhoids so I was using prep H and then I see that there only seemed to be one "hemorrhoid" a pocket almost or a sack, white sometimes redish.
Doomsday: So in fear of passing a BM I dont visit the room of pain for 4 days, I dont even feel like I need to, the mind is strong and i truly believe mine refused to realize I had to go. I don't blame it, after all pain is in the mind. So I sit on the wonderful bowl which I've grown to love these 26 years of my life, always leaving with such a great feeling, sometimes euphoric always relieved and lighter. But the bowl has turned on me. I sat there for 3 hours, i was constipated even though i was taking 3 stool softeners a day those 4 days. I battled my body with the urge to push out and the fear that kept it in... I literally was having a war with myself like the conscience and the sub-conscience and the sub was winning. Finally I gave up and said I need this out now. And I pushed my way to the most pain I've felt in my life. There was no relief, no happiness no hope just tears, and tears and blood and tears and then I went to get up and my anus tightened as it always does and almost brought me to my knees in pain. I'll never forget that day.
I patted my bum washed my hands took 4 steps into the hallway put my hand on the wall for support and cried my "manly" eyes out like I just lost my lover, in a way, I did. (more to come on this) so that was the first traumatic episode. that was about a week ago. Now today, same thing, I didn't go for 3 days (didn't have to) and this time not bright red, but dark red and some clots. I used to have bright red blood wld stop bleeding mintues after but bleeding went on for hours (2) minimal like barely see it but still present. I'm scared guys and gals, who am i joking, im terrified.
Today the spasms or I dunno if its spasms but just utter discomfort that comes and goes like like fly who won't leave u alone. I go from walking talking to silent standing and my family sees it and its extremely embarrassing. I know they must be concerned and worried but the fact that they are thinking in their heads ( I bet its cause hes gay and had intercourse) maybe they are not, but I would be if I was unknowledgeable about anal fissures which i was. today i cried myself to a nap (so masculine) and woke up feeling better. Heres what I've learned and what Im going to do thanks to some reading on here. I've never posted anything online but this is serious to me and so I need advice in any way i can. Here we go again:
Tried:
Stool Softners: Kinda worked not really not enough
Laxative: Love it, but not guranteed I can take 3 and if I hadn't pooped in a day or two the first BM will be large and tear it, which feeels like more then what it was.
Some more fiber: I dunno if this helped or not i didn't track it or anything
Vicodin (watson 840? or 820): Before each BM, quite frankly I won't stop taking this before the BM so I'm not sure if its helping and because the pain I do have is already so extreme you couldn't pay me to stop taking it cause i can't imagine how much it hurts w/o it.
Water: Not very much more I need to improve this one the most I've read.
Crying: Doesn't help, makes me feel weak, and embarrassing
Stress: Before each BM I almost pass out from the anxiety of the pain
Not going: Bad idea, ive come to find out this is probably why I'm not healing but its hard as u all know
What Im trying as of today:
*Sitting in warm water for 5 minutes 3x today one was after my BM and the other 2 just randomly, but i read I need to do 30 is that right? And do i really need a sitz bath or can i use a regular bathtub or sink if i disinfect it afterwards?
*Drank only water today no other liquids although I dont drink much but hey its a start
*started eating no sharp food, whole wheat spaghetti, passed on the french bread, no soda ( i love soda like you wouldn't believe) I mad an avocado banana pineapple smoothie today so good
What I know I need to do after reading here
*Water Water WAter, right?
*more wise food choices
*see a CSR (but no medical insurance)
*Petroleum jelly for lubrication before a BM
*Poop once a day, sit on the toilet for 10 min each day whether i have to go or not
*Water lol
I ordered this wheatgrass superbalm that i read about, the testimonials for anal fissures are off the charts has anyone tried this? I mean it sounded like heaven reading the comments on different websites I just be getting this tmw, im really hoping this works.
Questions I have on what to do or if its normal:
My bum I feel like smells like poop. After a BM I pat although can't pat directly on it cause its so swollen and sore so around and i do a little dab on it, i sit in water for 5 min and then pat dry, use a blow-dryer on low speed to dry furthermore and today used baby powder for moisture absorption but it still smells like poop sometimes, i feel like i'm leaking sometimes i can feel the my anus "dripping" but nothings there when i feel or look on my underwear. the area just gets moist throughout the day and i hate it.
Since my sex life is destroyed and its been so embarrassing explaining my situation to anyone without them thinking its a STD or something. But even when I masturbate my anus will start hurting... is that normal for any guys, I know when we ejaculate and when we start to be aroused that muscles does tense im guessing that the cause?
Keep it dry? or moist with ointments?
Guess thats all for now sorry sooo long, i know im forgetting a ton of stuff but i'll just leave it at that for now seeing how its 5 am and im exhausted. Thanks for reading if you did, any advice wld help. thank you.