Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby Ever the Optimist » 20 Sep 2012, 11:18

Pain,
You've received some great responses! Really hope they help you.
Just going back to the Olive Oil!.....I take a big tablespoon orally every night just before bed. I make sure it's Extra Virgin Olive Oil but can't always afford to get the Organic (although organic is defo always best IMO) You get used to the "potent" taste and it's now just part of my routine. I actually now love the flavour and always use it in cooking too. LOL....I'm sure visitors think I'm a bit strange when they come round, use the bathroom, and see my big bottle sitting there by the sink!!! :D
Chronic Fissure diagnosed December 2011
Healed by Diltiazem around Feb 2013
Anal Fistula followed burst abscess in June 2012
2 internal troublesome piles remain & suspected, but undiagnosed, ongoing Levator Ani type symptoms & flare-ups
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby pain-alfissure » 20 Sep 2012, 22:59

Hello wonderfuls, Well again thanks for all the feedback,words of encouragment, advice, and support.
I will try to try the flax seed but omg i can't stand eating things I dont enjoy. I'm 131 pounds and im 5'10", im not in the slightest overweight, so its not like I splurge on just junk. Changing my eating habits is going to be the most difficult thing for me to do, my motto about food has always been "food is meant to be enjoyed" since I've not taking advantage of that motto I am so stubborn about eating all this crap just for something that came along to ruin my life. Why should I have to change what I eat when nothing was wrong when i was eating them. Yes i understand its a healthier lifestyle of eating but quite frankly i was completely content with the lifestyle i already had. in fact i much prefer eating whatever I like and being happy opposed to eating crap that tastes like s#it and still being miserable. I need help with this one. Ive made small choices to eat better, i have been drinknig much more water but honestly I can't do it completely.
Olive oil thing I will try, i mean I already know that a few more weeks of this (praying its not gonna happen) and I'll be glad eating oats and paper and chalk (thats what I feel like it is.)
Last night I had a BM (at a friends so embarassing) I had taken laxativies the Dulcolax tablets and thankfully the stool didn't hurt much at all, i kinda controlled it with patience and honestly my ass muscles? I dunno i literally squeezed the stool internally before it reached my anus. I know this is probably not good for me and someone will probably say how I'm going to cause something to happen but honestly (your gonna laugh) I think of all these years playing "catcher" in the bedroom has paid off because let me tell you one thing, I know my bum more then many of you probably did, after all I had to keep it clean and looking good lol. (this is weird for me to even express) with that said, i feel like i was able to contract certain muscles before they hit the fissure and with some body movements I got it all to come out with no pain, I got home this afternoon and had to pass another (very close together this is new and i was happy but terrified) And... I did it again, the stool this time was not at all laxative treated it was firm and like a normal stool before the fissure. But after an hour of controlling muscles and body motions I was able to get it all out without pain and no feeling of retearing. So I'm gonna keep trying this for now until i can get some miralax or milk of magnesia .
Today not much pain after the the BM i soaked in warm water directly after for about 10 mins. thts helping alot.
ALSO I JUST RECEIVED MY WHEATGRASS SUPERBALM FROM MR. WHEATGRASS. Has anyone tried this???
I'm praying this works, oh ya and thats another thing I started doing
Praying.
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby jr2 » 21 Sep 2012, 00:04

pain,
on the diet thing, yeah it's tough. My diet has been severly restricted my entire adult life due to severe digestive problems. Not sure I can help you much there. I'm just so used to having to have a very restricted diet it doesn't much affect me any more.
On the muscle control thing. I get this, and totally know what you're saying. With the degree of digestive dysfunction and anorectal pain I've suffered fo so many years, I know that with a great deal of practice with muscle control in the pelvic floor and abdomen that there are ways to minimize the pressure on the anorectal area when having a bowel movement. I've been doing this for so many years, it's pretty normal for me. Maybe it isn't the best idea, but frankly anything that works to reduce pain? I say, go for it.
Wheatgrass cream. I've pretty much tried all the creams out there, I used most of the whole bottle of wheatgrass cream. While it was soothing, it did nothing to heal the fissures. Maybe you'll have better success with it.
Good luck, and I'm happy to hear you are having less pain and felt well enough to spend time at a friend's place.
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby Anya324 » 13 Oct 2012, 23:44

Did you get to the Dr yet? How's your bum? Update please! We all care :D
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby pain-alfissure » 29 Oct 2012, 02:35

hello all im sorry ive been MIA, well it looks like things are worse, i was on laxatives dulcolax for over 4 weeks, i stopped those cuz i felt like runny stool and open wounds aren't good together, I have no medical insurance and I had a eye infection where I almost lost my eyesight couple months ago, got the bill and its $6,000 i didn't take an ambulance either.
This thing is a puzzle, your convinced its getting better your spirits are lifited and bam BACK to square one if not 2 steps back, I sit on that toiler heavily breathing, panting, sweating, dehydrated, almost pass out sometimes i get dizzy either from the blood loss or my hyperventilating. The pain, its indescribable now, i literally hit the wall where my pain limit is reached and i feel nothing hear nothing think nothing and then it passes and the rush of burning, itching, pain, my god ive never cried out to god so sincerely in my life. Its not that he's not there, but for some reason he's not answering right now.
Is he mad at me? What did i do? Do i deserve this? My mom, is scared she cries too but as of now lovely america home of the free and home of the uninsured. I've contemplated killing myself but haven't we all, those thoughts dont last long, i just dont understand how to continue living, the anxiety is making my hair fall out, the pain has me liteally ripping my hair out and they want me to do this 3 times a day? my mind or body will not go to that hell room at all costs, and i dont blame it.
I stopped the laxatives for 3 days, worst bm of my life, so now im on stool softners, I take EVOO morning and night when i remember, i'm eating whole grain, whole wheat, water, craisins (love those damn things), apple juice, no soda, chicken.
I put vaseline on the outter part of my anus and can barely get a pinky inside, the wheatgrass aint done shit, but then gain i can't get it in the hole.
I feel defeated, I feel depressed, I feel negative, desperate, angry, confused, embarrassed. My ass leaks all day, clear foul smelling mucus, sometimes feces, my checks are burning when i walk, i ve tried vasseling, A&D im considering becoming bulimic no lie. I dunno how much longer I can do this.
I have HIV which makes me feel i cannot heal this on my own, ive been reading and i hear ppl with syphilis or gonorrhea are more likey as well, and well a partner id been involved with told me he had syphillis, i just moved to small ass city w/ no clinic and my world guys is upside down. Im not looking for advice, not looking for inspiration I'm looking for a free solution, but unfor america doesn't offer that, they offer freedom but not free health care. go figure. someone kill me.
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby Anya324 » 29 Oct 2012, 08:32

Keep on the laxatives-Miralax is great but it can get you too soft. Never take a whole capful or you'll poo all day! Do you do sitz baths? I'd go to Walgreens and ask for one-around 10$. Use it as often as you can, but especially after a BM.
Something else to consider about you lack of insurance... Millions of people in this country receive medical care and never pay so lots of hospitals will work out a payment plan for you and even adjust your bill (lower it) if you agree to pay regularly. And the bottom line is as long as you pay ANY AMOUNT every month they can't come after you. Also, I don't think that medical bills count against your credit. I'd call around to all your local (or the nearest-I live in a small town too, the nearest is 65 miles away!) Cololrectal surgeons and ask to speak to the office manager. Explain your situation and ask if there is ANYTHING they can do to help you. Call everyone you can find until you get a yes!
Just some things to consider. Hang in there!
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby owmybum » 29 Oct 2012, 14:04

Anya is right, you need to be seen by a colorectal surgeon, she gives some good advice.
Hang on in there honey
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fissure after hem banding and tag removal feb 11
Pelvic floor therapy
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Internal flap July 14
EUA and polyps removed Nov 14
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby pain-alfissure » 29 Oct 2012, 15:19

ok anya i called the nearest colorectal surgeon in my area left them a desperate message for them to call me back , explained my situation and pleaded that they help me anyway they could, even if thats just advice. We will see if they call me back, i might call another one 49 miles away but thats a small distance to get rid of this large problem. I've taken miralax before I have it, its sitting in front of me now, only problem is last time i took it, i threw up all night. NOW i will say i think i overloaded the dosage, i was desperate and hadn't ate much that day, so I think it was a me thing. I'll try again today, i just threw up i didn't get a fever so i'm not scared to throw up if it turns out I'm just not good for the product or vice versa. I got my moms getting me a sitz bath as we speak :) ...
Last night shorty afrer writing to you yall, i had the worst BM in the history of BM"s, im guilty sometimes of stopping my BM when you get that movement rush because im fearful it will hurt, so i sit half on the seat and literally close the passage so that I can let it out in my control.... thing is...... do that enough and then it will come out with or without you letting it. That happened the day before yesterday and i swear i thought that was the worst and largest BM ever, I literally lifted off the seat, i had moments i couldn't breathe, this pain that felt like my ass was being torn in mutliple places like paper felt like electricity (anyone know what i mean when it feels like lightning rips, like this sharp almost electroshock feeling) anyways and i let out 1 extremely large stool. Now that was the day before yesterday, blood ran down my cheek dripping in into the toilet like it had been raining and i after the 30 seconds (if that) of totally and complete release (that feels almost euphoric in a way, that i've missed so much) was gone shear and utter rush of burning, itching, pain. ]
But last night/this morning...... OMG, yesterday I took 3 tablespoons of EVOO, ate oatmeal in the morning with whole wheat bread, had craisins, drank more water then in the past month, and took 3 sool softeners (the max i can take according to the bottle) and it was the largest thing I've ever seen come out of me, if you get my drift it was as wide (dont mean to be gross just want you to understand) probably a bit larger, extremely firmer and shaped like a croissant i was shocked, and it was red because of all the blood that was covering it. and then after..... omg... guys after, my eyes just watered from thinking about it, i had the worst sharp pains, spasms, omg, i just kept asking god why? why me? why is this happening to me? and i know thats so juvenille, so selfish so ignorant but I dont get it, i dont understand, i need some closure i need an explination because never in my life have I know anyone to go through this i mean everyday agony everyday fear, limiting the things i can do, the ppl i can see, the places i can go.
Tears steam down my face now cuz im so scared. Today i can barely walk i keep patting my bum and theres very faint red blood everytime, is this something more then anal fissure? do i have more then 1? cuz im telling u that BM either ripped it from CM to inches or it created more cuz it was massive, maybe too much fiber? i can't figure out this 3D puzzle and its killing me, literally its killing my soul, my faith, my hope, my social life, my relationships, and those things make up me so its killing me. Slowly, painfully, and continuously. I'm depressed and I look around and see everyone around me not going through this and it makes me mad, not because they are not but because I am. It crazy the things we take for granted, if I didn't give a shit then, I surely do now, pun intended.
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby cherylk » 29 Oct 2012, 17:34

You need your BM's to be SOFT. That is #1. You also need to stop trying to control your BM's (stopping the flow, etc.). You need to relax while having a BM. I would encourage you to try to get in SOON to see a doctor to find out what is going on with your butt. You also need to get your mind under control. That is difficult for all of us at times. In other words, having an AF is often a mind and body issue. Good luck.
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Re: Hello I'm new, I'm a gay 26 y/o male with HIV

Postby Anya324 » 29 Oct 2012, 23:21

I agree with Cheryl on so many of her posts and the above is no exception. Keep things soft, STOP controlling your BMs, get your mind straight and do your absolute best to calm down/relax during a BM. I know it's sorta impossible but just TRY. And, lastly, regardless of ins, you MUST get your butt in to see a dr! Please do that ASAP for all of us and especially for yourself. Your health is way way way more important than anything else right now and once you improve that, everything else will fall into place.
Funny story about Miralax... Last year I had a lumbar fusion of my L4-L5 vertebra. I was taking lots of narcotics so in turn lots of Miralax. On a handful of occasions I'd get these TERRIBLE pains on my gut/gallbladder which i thought was a gallbladder attack. I went to the dr and to make long story short, had my gallbladder removed. Best surgery I have ever had btw!! Took away so referred pain I'd had in my Thoracic spine for neatly a decade. I hate referred-pain!!! Anyway, fast forward a few months when the "gallbladder attack" pain returns. Here's me in my bed in a total panic thinking, "wth? I don't have a gallbladder to be attacking me?!?" And then? It hit me. Every time I mixed the Miralax with milk (lactose free from a cow Image ) is when I got the pains.
So, I basically had my GB removed based on a misdiagnosis that I was having attacks. Again, best surgery of my life cuz the pain I had in my t-spine was debilitating at times and there was little help offered by the medical community (cuz initially my GB was clear) other than steroid shots every 2 months. It kinda made me chuckle that that's how God had it all work out. I now mix it with water based things like tea, koolaid, juice, etc. and don't have a problem. I can even have milk/cereal and then take the Miralax separately right after and not have a problem. Just can't mix it in milk.
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