Hey. I've been dealing with butt issues off and on for 5-6 years. Pain mostly, but occasionally blood. Would happen 3-4 times per year for a few days. I got really good at immediately changing my life when it would come up. Up the fiber and water. Over the years I've collected a sizable number of butt products. My bathroom is like a drug store. Creams, suppositories, etc. The pain is never really bad, just uncomfortable. I itch a fair amount. The blood doesn't happen as often and when it does it's usually a bright pink drop or two on the wipe, a streak on the stool if it's bad.
I've been reading around here and I've also talked with people with hemorrhoids. I hear people talking about all the pain, so much it affects their lives. Can't sit and even pain when walking. I've heard about there being so much blood the bowl is like cherry Kool-aid. I hear all of this and I try to convince myself how much more fortunate I am. My pain isn't that bad and the blood is certainly not that much.
Last year my doctor examined me and said she could see "baby" hemorrhoids. They weren't flaring up at the time so maybe I should have waited to see her. It was just time for a checkup. This year, she could see they were inflamed and gave me the super special suppositories, which cleared them right up. When she did the examination this year, she used this plastic tube and when she was inserting it, it really felt like I was being split open. I almost cried out, the pain was so bad. I think that's when the AF reopened. That was a month ago.
I've been soaking in a tub at least once a day, and more often on weekends. Not sure that I need to. Things were pretty bad after the doctor's exam, but have gotten better. It hurts only a little when I go and the pain subsides pretty quickly. I have to be very careful about getting enough water. I never feel thirsty and when I do feel like drinking something its usually coffee. But if I make sure to have fiber and water and MiraLAX, which I just started, things are usually OK. I love prunes and prune juice, so those also help.
Right now I'm dealing with another flare up, but it's lasted longer than normal. I haven't been as diligent with my own self care as I should. Again, a little pain, some blood, but not terrible.
The problem I have though, I think is mental. I can hear stories of horrible pain and massive amounts of blood and I should feel lucky that I've not faced that. But each time this reoccurs, I just keep thinking that the countdown clock has started. That with each instance, I'm a little closer to the end. I'm fairly young still, 45. I know that things can happen but my symptoms wouldn't probably concern most people that much. But for some reason, I am just so afraid.
This has affected my life quite a lot. I rarely go out any more. I go to work, get groceries and then spend most of my life at home. It's just me and the dog, sitting at home. This last year at work has been great. Really good things are happening for me. Last year was the best year I've had in a decade. But I find it impossible to enjoy it.
Lately, I've been wondering if I should just be done with it. I can tell myself that things aren't that bad. That it will get better, and really it is getting better, though more slowly than I'd hoped. But every time I sit in the tub, or every time I wipe and see a little blood, I just think it's time to check out. That nothing is worth all of this worry. I've started thinking about who can take my dog when I'm gone. I keep telling her to remember me and spend as much time with her as I can. I'm sorting my stuff to make it easier on my family when I'm gone. I lost both of my parents and sorting their stuff was really hard.
I would guess, with all of the products at the drug store and all the web sites, like this one, that I know that I'm not alone. That does help a little. I'm just really tired of it. Maybe I'm just at that point of contemplating my own mortality. I don't know. Just want it to stop. I want to be happy again.
Thanks for reading.

Dear DadOfZ,
first of all I want to express my appreciation for being so brutally honest with us. And with us, I mean all of us here on this forum, who suffer in many different forms. I can certainly identify with your frustration and wanting it to stop. It touches me to read your words and I urge you to keep going.
Many people have posted great ways of dealing with their daily pain by seeking alternative healing methods and spirituality. As for me, I had an energy healing session yesterday, because I was feeling like I was falling apart. My ass situation is effecting me in so many different ways, that I need to start embracing and accepting myself. This morning I had to take 3 sitz baths (1 1/2 hours) in 3 hours, near the end I heard myself mumbling "i like my ass, i like my ass".
There is support out there in the form of counseling as well. Also, please make sure to keep the national suicide prevention hotline handy at all time, which is
1-800-273-8255 (in the U.S., since I am not sure where you are located.). Please don't hesitate calling that number, since they also might have local referral.
Much strength to you!!! You are not alone!!!
~S

Hey Sitzbath,
I love your bath mantra! I think I will borrow it if you don't mind. I've borrowed another member's idea of visualizing a perfect anus as a way to think healing thoughts.
Thanks!
DadofZ,
I know it's scary not knowing if you'll ever be rid of this affliction. But you have to try all the options first at least. There's more to healing than a cupboard ful of over the counter big drug company creams.
Have you seen a CRS?
Have you looked into homeopathy?
Have you looked into TCM (traditional chinese medicine)?
There are many many people who have found a way to cure themselves after many years of living with an AF.
I'm not as bad off as a lot of the people here either, but it's the fear of living like this forever that is so debilitating. That's why you have to be proactive.
And you need to talk to a professional about your thoughts of suicide.
There are lots of people here who take meds to help with they psychological strain of it all. It's not a bad thing when you need some extra help.
I'm so glad you joined the group, well sorry for the reason you joined.
So really, you need to see a specialist. When fissures just keep coming back, then a CRS is the person to talk to.
Don't let all the scarey stories here get you down. When you follow their threads, most of these people start to heal, and then just stop posting, because they are healed.
Like sitzbath said, you are not alone!
-Tanya

Thanks sitz and Tanya! Today is a little better mood wise. No pain or blood helps!
I'm not actually suicidal and not sure that I ever really have been. I do think about it once in a while only because I just don't want to still be dealing with all of this 10, 20, 30 years from now. If you take my ass out of the equation, ha, then life is pretty good. It's just that I can't take it out, because there is always something going on. One slip up and I have to start over.
And again, it's not anywhere near as bad as I've seen for some other people. It's just annoying and prevents me from really just letting go and enjoying life.
I haven't seen a specialist recently. I have an appointment a couple weeks out. I just don't want to go because when seeing my regular doc, the exam was painful and forced me to start over. I don't want to start over AGAIN.
I have been making some changes in my life to deal with the mental aspects. I have stopped using the computer as much, as too often it causes more worry and stress. I'm taking my dog on more and longer walks. I take a long warm soak every night and use epsom and essential oils. I listen to these relaxing brainwave music things. I'm taking medicine to help me sleep. That's been a sore point for a long time, but is getting better. Been reading a lot about Buddhism and have taken a class on meditation, though I'm still not very good at it. Would love to do yoga, but worry about either my ass or my anxiety when I'm out of the house for too long. I'm also about 90% vegetarian at this point. So, anyway, trying to change.
My doc put me on Zoloft for my anxiety and within a couple of days it had gotten like 100 times worse, so I stopped. I think if I simply stick to my changes and focus on staying away from the stuff that have made things worse, I'll get better. Slowly, but I'm hoping surely. I'm just not very patient.
And I'm not letting the stories around here scare me. I read them and feel a little better actually. I just want to go back to normal. I'm not even sure anymore what normal is, its been so long.
Anyway, thanks to both of you and everyone else. I've been learning a lot on how to heal myself and a lot of it is working.

You're more than welcome DadofZ,
We are just 'passing it on.'
I find walking helps a lot too.
and meditation. When I am too anxious to meditate well on my own, I use guided meditations I've found online.
My experience, is that CRSs know it hurts and are more understanding about that than GPs. They use plenty of lube and the smaller proctoscope is pretty small.
Sometimes they don't even scope. They just spread your cheeks a bit and go by your symptoms.
I wouldn't worry too much about it.
I would hold off on the yoga til you are healed. IMO.
My last set back was because I was doing some stretches.
Let us know what your doc says!
-Tanya

DadOfZ
Sorry you're dealing with all this. Like you, i've got a minor case... but fear and depression are real trying issues.
I was in perfect health, pretty much, until age 55 and then things just kinda fell apart all at once. I've been dealing with the AF issue and about five others ones for about nine months, and it does get old. I get tired of surviving each day, day by day. One thing I learned is that the mind is the enemy sometimes... heck a lot of times. Your mind will take you places that you don't want to go.
Sounds like you're making some good changes in your life. Diet changes happen for all of us. You're also making some good lifestyle changes, like long walks and music and such.
Hang in there... we may never be completely back to normal, but we still need to get out there and live our lives...
my mantra: I WILL get better, I WILL get better
(along with 'feets don't fail me now! for my bad feet)
hope you get better!
pat

Thanks Pat! I know all too well about the mind being the enemy sometimes. I was feeling better this morning and now I'm back in the hole. I just want it to stop.
No pain or blood since yesterday morning's first go. Things were good. Took a nice long soak this morning. Toward the end started doing keggles or whatever the muscle thing is and started to feel a very slight pain on the opposite side. Only hurts when I contract the muscle. Not horrible pain and can't feel it otherwise. Started to get ready to go run errands and made the mistake of feeling around. Now I notice a small bump just under the skin. Doesn't hurt to touch but now has me in a complete meltdown. Why is this happening to me?? Why must I always feel like I'm going die?? I don't want to die but I don't want to live like this either.

Hey Dad,
Been there man... the thing about the meltdowns is that they're temporary.
Just get in a stable physical place and don't let your head make you feel around in there more and damage yourself physically. Find a way to calm your head down, pat your dog or listen to music until your head quiets down, you can tell your head 'shut up! SHUT UP!' if you want, then take a minute to laugh at your stupid mind once it stops running around quacking and make fun of it, then go do your errands.
NLP (neuro linguistic programming) has some good ways to defuse anxiety that REALLY work... it's SPOOKY effective)
the anxiety and depression makes it hard to enjoy what little bits of happyness still coming our way... so don't give in! I try to make a point to relish the small things... hugging children, coffee with my girlfriend... just the little stuff.
hang in there!
pat

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Hang in there pls . God bless u n heal us all