I thought I was out of the woods but guess not. I saw my CRS recently he told me I have a probably posterior lateral right fissure, basically on outside. He said it is unknown if it is just a basic fissure or due to HIV, HSV, or HPV..I doubt it could be HIV because I have been on meds for years and I am undetectable and doing very well. He told me to use the Lidocaine 5% ointment, and keep using the Nifedipine/Lidocaine gel and skip sitz baths for now, fiber supps, etc..

Last week I had about 4 days pain free, soft stools, and no spotting. But just when i thought I was healing, yesterday I had a still soft stool but pain and spotting again. Same again today. I'm so sick of this. The CRS told me that I should give this 2-3 months before coming back to see him, to see if I heal. But shouldn't the creams have kicked in by now? He told me in my last appointment that surgery isn't a good option now because it could do more harm than good.

He told me that it is not cancer. But of course I am freaking out every time I spot. I wish I was a more religious person at times, maybe I could find some strength in a higher power, but due to me being gay of course I am not welcome in any church. And most of my family have shunned me for my mental issues and for being openly gay. But I am veyr thankful for the one or two people who are still in my life & supporting me.

And I have bipolar disorder and of course this affects me mentally greatly. Sometimes the stress of this is so great that I want to end it all. It's such an embarrassing problem. Not something you can talk to people about without them assuming it's because I am a gay male who has HIV.

I am trying to stay positive and strong, and am very thankful for the good days. I guess things could be much worse. I am just dreading every bowel movement, and praying that there will be no pain or spotting, and that this heals.

I am now going on 2 months since I have had this fissure. I am doing all the right things. The CRS told me since it is in the lateral position surgery is harder, but surely if this doesn't heal that can be done?

My biggest fear is that this is due to my HPV pap smear, but the CRS didn't seem to concerned about that, he in fact didn't even recommend I have another pap for a while.

I'm just wanting this year to hurry up and end. I really need some encouraging words, and to know that there is hope for recovery for me. I just am so scared that I have anal cancer, I hope I don't.

Alex,

As far as your fears about cancer, you are in good and frequent contact with your doctor, so it's really important for you to continually remind yourself of this, even if you have to write it out on an index card to keep focusing and re-focusing your mind back toward this reassurance.. Living with a fissure is very very challenging, and living with it in the presence of your other challenges is even more difficult. Try to be gentle with yourself. In the life and healing of a fissure,two months isn't a long time at all (unfortunately). This affliction is very difficult to deal with and to heal, and you are doing everything right for your body to get there.

As far as your desire to perhaps explore a spiritual community, there are plenty of churches that would welcome you with open arms and you wouldn't have to hide your sexual orientation or be embarrassed. There are many many options, depending on your own personal preferences. You could do an internet search to see if there is a Unity Church in your area. Or a Unitarian Universalist church. You could see if there is a local zen center where you can join others in learning zen meditation, which can have wonderful benefits physically and emotionally. There are also groups such as drum circles and an infinite variety of spiritual groups and practices out there, again, all depending on what fits for your own personal preferences and what's available where you live. If you're unsure how to find places in your area, you can ask your therapist to help you with locating resources that would fit for you.

jr2 has wise words for you, Alex. I absolutely agree that two months is not long in the healing of an anal fissure, and if you are making any progress, that's a really really good sign. It can take a month or two just to get the diet and meds right, and then more time for them to do their healing work.

It does sound as though you would benefit from some spiritual community and support, and I know there are gay-accepting churches around, unless you live somewhere isolated and/or very conservative. It's really awful that your family doesn't accept you. I really hope that there is a community for you that's close enough for you to attend regularly.

Alex,
Im so sorry to hear you in this state. I feel your pain in being scared. I want you to know that i am praying for you as we speak. I hope that my prayers find you, work on staying positive, i know its hard..... I know its so freaking hard... But we have to do it, i have hsv2 and i know what its like to be scared to goto the washroom on both ends. Being gay means nothing, it doesnt define you, you are a child of god, just as beautiful as the rest of us :) im trying to smile as i write this to you. Lets all pray for each other, lets put this in gods hands, and get the answers we need. Practice peace, love and try your hardest not to let it break you mentally, its broken me me tally a few times but im working on it :)