After weeks of suffering, I saw a second colorectal surgeon. This one didn't find a fissure, however, he did diagnose me with a bad case of Pruritis Ani (or "itchy butt.") Which explains why heat was a killer, but ice felt cool, And why the ointment Diltiazem exacerbated my situation. He said Pruritis Ani can hit people between the ages of 40-60, and can flare up during a particularly long hard time of stress --especially if the diet has gone to hell (which it had).
I purchased Desitin, and Calmoseptine. Within 24 hours, noticeable improvement. And today, no pain! In addition, I've stopped using wipes, and have turned to using a rinse bottle after a BM, and then carefully drying myself (a hairdryer works!). It helps a lot, and it reminded me of my travels through Asia --where toilet paper wasn't the norm as well. So I'm on the mend, but will still be watching my diet, and no caffeine. (Oh, sweet coffee, I do miss you! Quick, someone remind me how good it tastes!).
He also warned I could easily get a fissure if I scratch. So.... no scratching and I take a zyrtec or a benadryl before I go to bed (when Pruritis Ani is at its worse). One last thing --I've decided to invest in a Toto toilet with a washlet, and am having an electrical plug installed. If you haven't seen them check them out over here: Explore Toto Washlets, or watch it here on YouTube.
I'm going to be traveling a lot over the next few months! So I'll carry everything along with me, watch the diet, and exercise at least two hours a day. Am I worried? Well yes, very.
Again, thanks for your support the past two weeks. I was really glad i didn't wait, but went and got a second opinion as soon as I could.