So, this is weird. I’m a 30 year old attorney. I’m a father of an 18-month old boy, a gym rat—lifting weights 6 times a week, and have been in a strictly vegan diet since 2011. I’ve also had a chronic AF since 2014 and after a re-tear in Jan18 was finally convinced by my wife to see a CRS. I’m 10-days post-op today (more on that below).

The reason I mention who I am, what I do, and what I like is to highlight the face, or the persona, that I think we all put on to other while living with chronic AF pain. My gyms buddies don’t know what I deal with on a daily basis. My co-workers don’t know that three hours before I show up to work I’m performing a self-admitted ritual of sorts just to be able to sit through my morning meetings in only a minimal amount of discomfort.

That person was born in 2014 following my first round of Accutane. It dried me up to the point that I simply had a really large, hard bm that felt like it tore me in half (my proctologist says it’s only a moderate tear, even though it’s extremely painful). I saw a general Gi, had a colonoscopy, tried the entire gamut of creams and suppositories, to no avail. Even anything with a local analgesic caused more intense burning and pain. Every time I would make progress healing, I would have a re-tear. I’ve spent the last six months in a perpetual state of chronic pain.

I’m not sure when, but sometime between putting my feet on the toilet bowl to squat in a position like a wild animal and taking tons of Vaseline and shoving up into my body to facilitate a smooth bm I knew it was time for me to take my problem seriously. The hardest part for me was the fear of having an open wound stitched together inside my ass, which just sounds terrible and terrifying. Add that with the additional fear of the thought that it wouldn’t work, resulting in visions of a full colonectomy and having to carry a bag of my own feces around all day (yes, I realize that’s extreme), and the logical thought in my mind was to figure it out myself.

The worst part about this saga though, is that the day before my surgery was the best I’ve felt in 6 months. I had a pain-free bm that day, and I finally felt like I was beginning to understand what worked for my body (it’s laxatices). Nevertheless, surgery went on as planned. Oh, except for the fact the my CRS didn’t tell me I wouldn’t be able to move for two days and was so doped up for the following two that I would be out of work and inactive for basically an entire week before I could even get out of bed and spit out a coherent sentence. No, he told me I’d be sore for “a few days.” Well, after a few days I was still actively bleeding/discharging/crying on the toilet bowl trying to have a bm. Worst pain of my life. I look forward to telling him that in my post-op tomorrow.

Nevertheless, I finally feel like I’m making some improvements. I no longer have to risk overdosing on NSAIDs to get me through the morning, so that’s an improvement. I can only hope that I continue to focus more about what my body is telling me and adapting my plan to that. It’s time for me to reconcile with the fact that pooping is just going to be of my priorities every day for the long term. And that’s ok. Even if that shit, is weird.

Man, your story sounds similar to mine in many ways. High-pressure job, able to trace incident back to a particular BM, not actually seeing a CRS until a little ways in (I went to a GI and a GP first, didn't even really know what a CRS was until I came across this board). Also the re-tears, and the convoluted rituals each morning and every time you have to go.

From your other post, it sounds like you went through a fissurectomy. Was any other procedure done or anything proscribed? It seems there are so many different ways of tackling this but each with drawbacks.

What are you using as a laxative and/or fiber routine? I was using konsyl to bulk and miralax to soften and that seemed to work for me for a while, but I think the konsyl may have bulked too much and contributed to my most recent re-tear. I am trying Benefiber (just started it) now as it seems as though it has worked for some other folks on this board.

Anyways, welcome, and I hope the surgical procedure you just had is putting you on the road to full recovery.

Hey VGNLWYER18, I cane across your post looking for more experiences talking about the gym. I’ve had a fissure for about a year now, been using Diltiazem for 3 months and it has gotten better, but every time I try and go back into the gym and lift I find that it sends me back into fits of spasm and pain. Are you able to exercise regularly and lift with a fissure without pain? It’s driving me NUTS.