Feeling Suicidal :(

I'm just over it

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Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby Ponder » 18 Oct 2016, 14:45

Eating like a clean vegan for quite some time now. Nothing seems to work. Have tried all the creams, the sits baths, hot baths, oils, and all the other methods listed in this forum. I have changed doctors, been treated like a hypochondriac, lack the money to just simply go get surgery and rar rar rar ...

I was finally put on a waiting list to see the general surgeon ... I have at least one more year to suffer like this. Everyday I take a crap, no matter how soft it is ... I always end up in pain. I have been demoralized more and more with each passing day. I have for some time tried to keep spirited, chin up and solider on ... all that BS and so on & on. "OH I HAVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM MY PAIN ... Ty Lord Jesus ... TY Universe ... TY for teaching my so much via my busted ass. Oh Please Sir ... Give me *&^%ing More!!!

I know not the terminology these people with their busted ass use, however I know the pain so very well. I was living month to month, week to week, day to day ... but now I know I have at least one more year before seeing another quack in it's white coat to further make judgments upon myself ... I fear the pain is too much to bear. I cant stand it any more.
______________________________

$$$ all comes down to money in the end. Pffft.
People say Tinnitus drives many to suicide. I have that too ... nothing compares to an anal fissure that will simply not heal. *&^%ing idiots also know I am pensioned off with mental illness and still they want to make we wait another year. Un*&%en believable!!!

There ... that's my *&^%ing Rant!!!
:( :( :( :( :~!@:
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby sandrasmiles7 » 19 Oct 2016, 00:06

I'm sorry the pain is this bad for you and you have to wait so long. What country are you in?
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby Ponder » 19 Oct 2016, 01:51

Australia - Image


Feeling better after having a bitch. At least today I had a small reprieve, however all I do these days is dread what tomorrow will bring. I've had this issues for a few years, with the last year being in pain and these days pretty much always whenever I go to the toilet. Like I said above ... I'm eating clean and done all else. I once thought I could avoid the surgery and did not want it. Now it's all I want.
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby sandrasmiles7 » 22 Oct 2016, 00:08

How have you been doing? Do you take mirilax daily? Have you heard of a squatty potty?
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby Ponder » 22 Oct 2016, 00:35

Hi Sandra. I really was at my wits end when making this thread. I am seemingly tethering on a few good days. That typically means only a few hours of niggling pain as opposed to sharp migraine sweating and dizzying pain for most the day.

Rectogesic is one cream I use from time to time ... it exasperates my headaches though. I feel like the veins in my head are going to pop out when using that cream. Protocol is another one I have tried. I guess it might be of use for helping when I go to the toilet, but does little to reduce pain.

No I have not heard of the other cream you mention, however have given up on things as the companies just seem to change the name ending up with multiple names for the same creams.

(polyethylene glycol 3350) Those numbers look scary. I don't like putting chemicals with numbers like that inside my system. I drink loads of water and don't eat junk food. I am also careful how I layer my foods ... always aiming to keep my bowel transient time short and smooth. It's not so much a case of being dehydrated ... but the simple act of going. I am not constipated as such ... I think my tightness in my upper stomach is more a reaction to my sphincter being so damn bound up ... stress (both mental and psychical) and what not ... just been this way for far too long ... bit like having a super sensitive reactive airway ... but is my ass that's slowly killing me.

Sigh ... I am trying to be civil ... but losing out as my spirit is slowly being worn out. :(

Thx for asking ... I seem to of had a few lucky days ... comparably so ... I forget what it's like to be completely pain free. Still dreading my next bathroom visit. Here's hoping I'll only have nagging pain for the next one. :)
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby Happyending » 22 Oct 2016, 01:48

How much does it cost in Australia to go see a CRS and pay for it, incl surgery, out of your own pocket? I did not have to pay for surgery where I am, but I sure would have handed over my savings if I had had to. My life has completely changed since the surgery. I have been painfree ever since. Not sure what to tell you, but waiting another year is not acceptable!
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby Ponder » 22 Oct 2016, 03:15

I'm genuinely happy for you. If I had the money ... I could think of nothing better to spend it on. I simply don't have that kind of money. I'm welfare defendant, always struggling to pay my bills let alone knowing what it's like to have a savings account.

I had to go through hell in order for the doctors to validate my anal tear. I took pictures, detailed the symptoms and was even sent home from hospital one time with a suspected anal fissure. The GP put me through a number of useless tests that took many months while I was in the mean time suffering big time ... all along I was treated like a hypochondriac ... psychosomatic.

That's pretty usual with the bulk billing welfare dependent cases. You have to wait until your nearly dead and or taking up too much hospital time. I suffer with mental illness on top of all this ... so it will be more than likely an episode that sees me in a rubber room triggered with a busted ass from taking one too many dumps. It's sad knowing it could more than likely be healed if not for the fact I am a loser welfare case. A non contributor that's not worth the resources. What manifests the insanity is seeing many others rolling out of the theater rooms all fixed and ready to soldier on back to the mill. Such is the world in which I live. I guess it's all my fault? This world is pretty good as passing our the blame and shame.

In the mean time ... I choose to dissociate and do what I can to minimise my pain. I do everything I can not to partake in all the poisons and drugs that so typically pushed!

My wife has MS - I would do more to consider that. She will no doubt and to some degree already suffers more than me.

Is good to have a place to blow off steam...although I'm not sure it's big enough for my pain.

So yea ... if I had money ... I would not be in here. That's for sure. I'd also give it all away to others who need it more than me. I hate money!!! Is why we are the way we are. SICK MFs ... The system loves having people dependent ... except when it comes to backing up the door ways into public emergency waiting rooms. Pffft. I could care less about who qualifies because of how much they have in their bank. Pathetic. You can't justify pain like that, no matter what ones socio economic status is. Not in my book.

I'll give this place a wide berth for a while ... I'm a bit of a nut case that's too raw and I am sure there are many in here who simply like the hospitals ... don't have time ... less of course I fit into another's ideals. I am seriously over how this *&^%ed up world prioritizes the way it does.
I bid you all a good day. Congrats to those blesses among you who have been healed ... may you bliss continue without recurrence.
All the best.
`Dave.
Last edited by Ponder on 22 Oct 2016, 03:30, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby LemonMan » 22 Oct 2016, 03:29

Sounds like you're having a rough time of it Ponder. This condition does drive you slightly mad it has to be said. Take heart in that there *are* good days, as well as bad. And everyone eventually gets over this. In many ways your body is benefiting from a good diet.
Hang in there and keep us posted on how things go. This time next year you'll be all smiles :-)
Best, LemonMan
Aug 14: Anal Abscess diagnosed
Dec 15: Anterior Anal Fissure diagnosed
Jan 16: Anoheal - Thought was healed end of Jan
Apr 16: Anoheal - Thought was healed end of May
Sep 16: Fissure back. Started Anoheal again
May 17: Botox and banding - fingers crossed
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby Ponder » 22 Oct 2016, 03:32

Yea .. TY .. You seem to understand. Much appreciated. I remember you from when I first arrived. ( I think .. similar name at any rate)

Cheers

I mean not to hate. :(
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Re: Feeling Suicidal :(

Postby sandrasmiles7 » 22 Oct 2016, 21:44

Miralax is a powder that you can add to liquid to keep your stools soft. Or milk of magnesia is a stronger one. I would also put a stool under your feet to lift you legs up high when going to the bathroom.
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