Hi everyone,
I have decided to start a diary chronicling my thoughts, fears, and experiences with fissure surgery. I think it will help me to get my thoughts out there and hopefully it will be helpful to others. My surgery is on Friday, 8/26, which is one week away. I am very scared (an understatement), but know I have to do this because I have been suffering with a fissure, on and off, for 3+ years, since December 2012.
While Diltiazem helped to heal me somewhat, I don't feel it ever truly healed it completely and that the fissure has always been there. I was able to live a semi-normal life in 2013 and 2014 with flare-ups here and there (some of which were quite painful), but then things started getting worse in 2015 when Diltiazem started giving me itching and a rash and wasn't working as well as it used to. Yes, I took the ointment that long just to avoid surgery. I knew it wasn't fully working, but since I was able to enjoy my life somewhat and function semi-normally while using it, I just kept using it. Nitro was offered to me, but with my tendency toward bad headaches, I was too afraid to use it, and Nifedipine was never an option from any of the doctors or surgeons I saw.
So, I made the decision in July of this year to go through with the surgery. Technically, this will be an "exam under anesthesia" since none of the CRS's I've seen have actually seen the fissure. It's internal and would require a scope to view it. Since I'm so tight down there and having so much pain at the moment (and am a very anxious person that hates medical procedures), viewing with a scope without sedation just couldn't be done. So, I will be put under general anesthesia (propofol) to get examined properly. If my CRS finds what I think he will find, he will perform a LIS and fissurectomy. I will be really happy to finally know what's really going on down there.
I also have an anxiety disorder (with panic attacks when I'm really stressed out) and depression, which is controlled to some extent with Prozac, but flares up when I'm under extreme stress, which obviously includes this experience. : ( So, this decision was incredibly difficult for me. I am terrified, but know I have to do it.
Things that scare me the most about it right now: the magnesium citrate prep the night before, being able to control my anxiety at the hospital and not freaking out, post-op pain (getting a fissurectomy seems to mean for more pain and a longer recovery from what I've read on this forum) and the recovery pain. I do not have much pain during BMs (other than stinging or scraping of the fissure when I go sometimes), so I am really afraid how it will be after surgery. : ( I really hope for the best with that. My pain right now mainly occurs for several hours after BMs and comes and goes (spasms, I'm guessing), with lots of pulling pain, some searing pain, stinging, and lots of throbbing. Some days are a lot worse than others and it just depends on how I use the bathroom. My bms are normally very soft (sometimes on the verge of diarrhea due to the Prilosec I take for my acid reflux), but sometimes I will get a hard stool in the morning when I first go, which seems to get worse with my menstrual cycle. So, my BMs can be unpredictable at times. I'm worried how that will all turn out, too.
Anyway, those are my thoughts and fears for the moment. I am going to try to enjoy the day and not think too much about things. I'm just hoping for the best and that this surgery will help me get on the path to recovery and healing and I will never get one of these fissures ever again.