but fortunately my FIL is an optometrist so my vision is always up to snuff!

I lost an earring.

But while searching for it you found the winning lottery ticket you lost last week...
I am missing a hubcap on my car...

But while you are picking it up you see that someone is standing behind you with a sword about to take a whack at you and their reflection in the hubcap thwarts their plan.

Maid Marian dies in Season 2 of Robin Hood

But the hubcap is lost! They got me!! Aaarghhh!
But no one liked that conniving little tart, anyway, did they?!?
I smashed my fingernail and it hurts like hades!

Well, that is what you get for dissing Maid Marian.

At least you didn't have a manicure.

My renter's keep paying their rent late.

They were late this month, again, but you will find in your immense tolerance and unending patience the true path to inner peace and spiritual harmony. You become one with the universe.
Please don't evict me!
The wind is howling here and ruining my yard with limbs and leaves...

You are too funny!!

But at least your satellite dish still stands

I had to poop again tonight

But you survived and realize there could be worse things, like the wind blowing down your sat dish...
I had diahrrea this morning and pooped three times in a row!

That will teach you to eat oatmeal though!

My car repair cost $300 today.

Gee, you are right, didn't think of that! Oatmeal!
I'll try again today.
But at least you won't be stranded anymore!
I can't eat oatmeal and I want to!