Hang in there Luka, (and George too)
It's SO normal to fear the after effects of any surgery and anal surgery seems so much worse because of where it is, BUT please try not to google too much and absorb some of those "horror" stories you will come across online. It's very rare that most people suffer to a great extent and I do believe some people relish over-exaggeration and drama in their lives. If you read the stories on this site, which is by far, the best and most practical, I have ever come across, people are simply relieved to have been there, got it done and embrace the fresh opportunity to get on with their lives again. I don't believe I have come across anything here that is scary and awful and sure, there's always some pain and discomfort in any recovery but it fades with time. There is no question of you being awake during the surgery as a good CRS will want you asleep for both their needs and yours. You have to keep a sense of pespective and it is ultimately about weighing up whether you want to spend your life living the way you are right now or take a bold step and convince yourself you are doing it for the best. I so believe that you are actually doing OK but you
do need to speak with your CRS and weigh up your options for sure. I so understand too how your anxiety makes this all 100 times worse for you and it's so easy for people to say "Pull yourself together and just do it" but they are not you and unless, you suffer that anxiety syndrome, no one has any idea of how powerless and terrible it can make you feel. It's incredibly debilidating -I know too, having been there, & I feel so much for you. I would just say however, from my own experience, the most powerful boost I had, was just knowing that I was healing and the final confirmation that I had healed. My confidence just accelerated as I got better and better and felt more liberated again. The AD's really helped take the edge off for me too, but constant support from my GP and family just helped immensely.......I also had to adopt a lot of positive thinking & self talk strategies to get me through it all and I took great comfort in meditation/ relaxation techniques too.
Have you had any cognitive therapy to help you deal with your anxiety? Have you considered Hypnotherapy or any alternative therapies too? I have read some great self help books through my worst times and tried a lot of strategies too to get me through my anxiety & depression - I can recommend you some great books if you need them??
I also found a lot of comfort in reassuring quotations -
Anais Nin is one of my favourites and the one quote I now have framed, which really inspired me through some of my darkest hours (although not AF related at that time), when I was truly stuck in a rut and living my days in constant fear & with relentless panic attacks, is as follows : -
"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"She has many more quotes on this site if you are interested -http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/a/anaisnin120256.html
You just do what you need to, in your own time and own way, but try to stay strong and keep telling yourself that life will not always be like this for you. It WILL get better. x x