Hi everyone, again.
I know I have a diary but I'm on my sofa about to cry my heart out and have no where else to turn.

I've been having pain free BMs for months now, and thought I could maybe consider dilating to keep things open, so got the dilator out was so relaxed and took my time,put it in slowly with lube and it was fine then suddenly felt a ripping stab pain. kept it in there for a while thinking it was just scar tissue and then took it out and went to sleep

that leads us to today, BM this morning pinch pain in the same 11am position as always, as it was before and no blood. I'm just so fed up - my body was lying to me saying I was recovering and doing well when whatever is there is just waiting to rear its head when I'm most comfortable.
I've been in pain all day with an ache in the 11am position

my theory:
where my surgeon took the V shaped tissue out of the anterior section of my sphincter the skin didn't heal well and the scar tissue is so tight that any stretch is just a bad idea. No blood - this means that if there is another fissure there then it's too small to bleed. I've got on my back this evening and tried to look with my camera but it just looks the same as always, but touching the 11am area sends instant pain signals. can't see an obvious cut but I'm presuming there is a small tiny cut there enough to give the pain and the muscular pain is all the scar tissue inflamed etc.

I was just starting up a new relationship and I've lashed out at them as I was in pain and they didn't get it, and I just feel this is forever - something I'm not sure I can actually deal with. Happy christmas everyone, what a pants way to see the end of 2019. Hope you are all well - you are the only thing thats keeping me above the waterline.

FF

Sorry you are feeling like this. It's certainly hard when the pain refuses to go away, and one has a sense of defeat. What I've found to be most effective is trying to move my attention to other things - not necessarily the most cheerful ones! - like the results and aftermath of the general election here in the U.K., or the Trump impeachment hearings in the U.S. Some of the anger and annoyance I feel about my fissures gets channeled into vexation about all that, and the physical pain starts to recede into the background. But what works for one person may not work for another. I've discovered that one has to find one's own way. I wish you luck in this difficult situation - and Christmas wishes too.

I’m so sorry FF

I feel for all who suffer from this terribly misunderstood condition

My initial fissure from 10 years ago has led me down a very dark path of frustration. I lost my relationship because of it.

My only recommendation would be to leave the area alone, don’t try to look up in there.

Easy to say but somehow someway we must refocus on other things.

Currently I am meditating, doing a special stretching routine, and trying to relax the nervous system

We have the ability to heal
You are in my thoughts.