How does everybody keep going . . . ??

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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby alpinestrawberry » 11 Jan 2012, 08:28

Hey Bugaboo...I totally know where you're coming from. I was there. I was so depressed I cried in the shower every time I took one. I didn't leave the house unless I really needed something. I didn't go shopping for fun anymore at all. My mind went wild too, I kept wondering why the problem was getting worse instead of better and if that meant something horrible was wrong with me and I was dying.
What helped me was taking walks. For me, walking would kill the spasms and for the rest of the day after my walk, I usually wouldn't have anymore pain. Also Miralax was a great help. I was still able to help out at the kids' school and do what I needed to do; however, I wasn't enjoying my life at all.
I thought about my Grandma a lot. She was more like a mother to me. She passed away when she was 68 (I was 20) and I still miss her all the time. She went through some truly awful things in her life....the loss of her oldest child to suicide, and surviving cervical cancer later in life. And probably lots more I don't even know about. I kept asking myself what she would have done in my situation, and truly I think she would have handled it better than I did! She was a strong lady.
Anyway I'm just here to tell you that if I could get through this (being the coward that I am) anyone can! There is a beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of healing from this. You're better to deal with it sooner rather than later, like I did. I had my fissures on and off for five years. They have a tendency to get worse and if I had known that in the beginning, I would have had the surgery sooner. So please, try to stop second-guessing why this is getting worse; that's just what fissures do! When I first got mine (after childbirth) it went away and didn't come back for a long, long time. But eventually it got so bad it wouldn't heal up at all, and that's because the muscle was stuck in a permanent spasm. Once I hit that point and I felt so helpless and depressed, I knew I had to do the surgery.
I hope you see your doctor soon and get the help you need... Image
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sweet Bugaboo » 11 Jan 2012, 12:21

Hi, alpinestrawberry -
and thank you for such a beautiful, caring and supportive comment. I really appreciate your support. I'm hanging onto everything I can, right now.
That's quite a lovely comment about your grandmother and how strong she was. My mother (84) is the same way. She battled "c" of the uterus and was given 6 months to live - that was in 1962 - and she will be 85 this April. She just got over ulcerative colitis (it was rough on her), and she keeps going.
For some reason, she's a bit tougher than I am. I wish I could be as resilient as she is, and I am trying - but I tend to go into depressions that she doesn't seem to be afflicted with. --- I do admire strong people - strong women.
An AF is enough to test the toughest of the tough, IMO. --- I do truly hope to get through this, without surgery - but I'm keeping my options open to whatever will help me.
I'm sticking to my diet (very strictly), taking my supplements, trying to rest and cope - and trying not to fall completely to pieces. --- Walking is a good idea . . . I know my dog would appreciate it. I had been jogging until last mid-Oct., when I got this recurrence of the AF. So, I've been afraid to do much of anything - but maybe walking would at least calm my nerves.
Thank you, again, for commenting. I really need support from people who understand what this nightmare is like.
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby grannymaria » 11 Jan 2012, 17:41

Hi Sweet- just checking to see how ur coping sweetie
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sweet Bugaboo » 11 Jan 2012, 17:51

Hi, granny! That's sweet of you to ask about me.
Well, my pain level is down - but I still don't feel okay down below - a bit tender, still, and my fanny muscles are tight and sore (just on the AF side).
I keep hoping I've turned the corner and am over the worst - but I don't kid myself about that. I'm taking one day at a time, and I'm still out of circulation, just staying at home, and hoping and praying this will all go away.
How are you doing today? I hope you're feeling better. :)
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby wecc » 11 Jan 2012, 20:25

As I said in one of my posts, I was an offcer in the Marines for many years…so with that said, I know pain. However I must say that an AF is the most painful ongoing thing I ever had to deal with. There were times that I could not move and almost brought to tears. Others have no idea how truly painful this can be. I just wish I took the steep I did a year ago, rather than living the way I did. I can say 100% there is light at the end of the tunnel, ever when you feel hopeless. I am 7 days post AD and I have my life back again. Just a few months ago, I did not believe that was possible.
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sweet Bugaboo » 11 Jan 2012, 20:50

That's really wonderful, wecc. You must be pretty tough, to have been in the Marines . . . so, if you say the AF is the most painful thing you've ever dealt with, that's really saying something!
I've had four cesareans - and by the fourth one, it was not the easiest thing to go through OR to recover from. But, I have to say that it was a snap, compared to this AF nightmare.
I keep hoping for this to be over, and I'm doing my best to get through it -- but I would absolutely consider AD, if this thing doesn't heal on its own. I want my life back.
BTW, here's a question . . . if you have an AF and want the AD performed, doesn't the AD re-tear the area and make it worse? How does that work?
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sue27uk » 13 Jan 2012, 11:29

Hey, I really hope you're feeling better. I have never felt so low as I have with all this (having a gynae op then these damn fissures). I went to my doctor and she didn't want to put me on anti depressants so told me to try St Johns Wort. I did and it has certainly helped, but can be funny stuff. Have managed to come off it now. I also had some counselling, I have just been signed off but had the reassurance I can go back if I need it which has helped incredibly. I still get times of feeling down, but its not like before where I used to go to bed and not want to wake up the next day. It's more a frustration feeling rather than the helpless. It can affect you mentally as much as physically. The only thing I can say is don't shut people out, they may not understand but seeing people or even chatting on the phone can make all the difference. I also started doing more things that I enjoy and now make time for myself. I read more, do some sewing and my artwork and look after my mental health aswell as trying to do the physical care. Focus on what you can do! I hope you feel better soon :D
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sweet Bugaboo » 13 Jan 2012, 11:44

Sue27 - thank you!
You're absolutely right - that we have to make the effort to keep doing things, even little things here and there, so that we don't get lost in the "fissure fog."
Like you, I've had many, many days where I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. It's been awful - the depression has been hard to deal with . . . and the thing is, once a person gets REALLY depressed, then sometimes that person doesn't care if he/she comes out of the depression, or not. It's really a vacuum.
Definitely, this is hard to cope with on a mental level (let alone the physical misery that accompanies). And just when we think we feel a little better, physically, and then maybe we start feeling a little more "up," the pain can resurface and knock us back down again.
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sue1962 » 13 Jan 2012, 12:47

you are right it is a vicious circle up down, up down. I thankfully didn't fall into the depression of this whole mess. I was not going to let that @#%& win!!! I just kept up my daily routine, working, taking care of my animals, husband and would not give in. The only thing I did give into was the pain on Monday with my surgery. Now (I know it will take a little time to be completely healed), I will get my old life back!!! and I am so glad to be on the other side!!
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Re: How does everybody keep going . . . ??

Postby Sweet Bugaboo » 13 Jan 2012, 13:31

Yes. I'm feeling half-way okay today -- but I know not to get too excited about that. I just hope it continues and that it signals healing.
I'm glad you're on the other side of your surgery, too. I've had four cesareans - and honestly, I think I healed faster from those (even the last one, which was more difficult), than I have with this AF recurrence.
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